Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Can I have a little over a pound and a half of hamburger?
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: How much was that?
Me: 1.65 lbs.
Customer: That’s a lot. Take out a pound. I just want a little over half a pound.
Me: Okay.
Customer: You need to focus a bit more. There’s no way I could eat that by myself.
Me: I didn’t know you wanted one serving.
Customer: First day?
Me: Here you go! Have a good day!
Customer: Truce!!
Customer: One pound of shrimp.
Me: Sure thing!
(I start putting shrimp in a bag. I stop to throw it on the scale to see where I’m at)
Customer: Can I look at that?
(I show him how much is in the bag)
Customer: How much is that?
Me: (putting it back on the scale) 3/4 of a pound.
Customer: I wanted a pound.
Me: I wasn’t finished yet.
(I put some more shrimp in the bag)
Customer:Okay. That’s fine right there.
(I put in on the scale to print a price)
Customer: How much was it?
Me: .87 of a pound.
Customer: ONE POUND!! How hard is that?!
Customer: One pound of crab legs.
Me: Yes sir. (I start to sort through the crab legs for good looking ones)
Customer: Not that one. I want that one in front.
Me: (reaching towards the front) I can’t really see in the counter. This one?
Customer: NO! The front one. Damn.
(I get the crab legs priced. He takes them and throws a bill on the counter.)
Customer: Thanks.
(I pick up the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he left me.)
(He runs back over.)
Customer: Give that back!
(I hand him the hundred. He hands me a one dollar bill.)
Me: Have a nice day.
Customer: I want this crab leg.
Me: You have to help me out a little. I can’t see through the case from back here.
Customer: It’s right here. Where my hand is.
Me: This one? I can’t see your hand.
Customer: I don’t know how else to describe it, dude. Better figure it out.
Me: The one to the left? Or the right?
Customer: Left. Sorry. I should have just said that.
Customer: Where’s your local salmon?
Me: We don’t get salmon from around here.
Customer: Why the hell not?!
Me: There isn’t salmon that comes from Charleston.
Customer: You don’t know what you’re talking about!! I’ve gotten Cooper River Salmon here before. The Cooper River is right out back! I mean, hello?
Me: We get Copper River Salmon from the Copper River in Alaska. The season opens up next month.
Customer: You guys should label it better.
Customer: Where’s your lamb?
Me: Right here!
Customer: I’m not Jewish.
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: I want normal lamb. I’m not Jewish.
Me: I’m still not following.
Customer: (Holding up package) “Seder farms.” I’m not Jewish! I want normal lamb!
Me: That’s pronounced “Cedar Farms”. It’s the brand name.
Customer: Ah.
Customer: I’d like 28 shrimp, please.
(I start counting them out)
Customer: What’s the difference between these crab cakes?
Me: Just a second.
Customer: Excuse me! What is the difference between these crab cakes?
(I stop counting)
Me: The ones on the left use all jumbo lump crab meat.
Customer: Why aren’t you done with my shrimp?
Me: Sorry.
(I start counting again)
Customer: How do I cook the monk fish?
Customer: Oh my god! Those crawfish are crawling around!
Me: Yes, ma’am! Fresh live crawfish! Do you want some?
Customer: Oh god, no! I don’t want to eat anything that was alive. I’ll take a pound of the shrimp.
Customer: Are you guys gonna make down this ham?
Me: No, sir. It’s not going out of date for a while.
Customer: But yesterday was Easter! They’re marking down all the Easter candy!
Me: Yes, sir. But hams generally are good for a few months!
(He scoffs and walks away)
Me: Which steak would you like?
Customer: (pointing) That one.
Me: I can’t really see through the case. Which one are you talking about.
Customer: (tapping the glass) That one!
Me: The glass distorts the image on my side. Do you mean the front one? Or the one behind it? Or..?
Customer: (tapping harder and faster on the glass) That one.
Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.
Me: What?
Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.
Me: I still don’t understand.
Customer: Where is everything? You just get here?
Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.
Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.
(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)
Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.
Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?
Me: No, ma’am. Those are all I have. We don’t get in many for Easter.
Customer: You must not be a Christian.
Me: Wait. What?!
Customer: If you served a risen savior, you’d be more upset that you ruined my Easter. I’ll be praying for you.
Customer: I want those front two porterhouse steaks. Can you slice them in half?
Me: They’re a little to small for me to put back on the saw. I’ve got some thinner ones here or I can cut-
Customer: Somebody doesn’t feel like working today.
Me: I was saying I can cut you some thinner ones off of the loin I’m cutting now.
Customer: Let’s do that.
(The phone rings)
Me: Meat department. How may I hel-
Customer: What’s the type of steak that’s not a fillet mignon?
Me: That can be a lot of things. Ribeyes, porterhouses, T-bone steaks, New York Strips.
Customer: New York strips! That’s it!
(He hangs up)
Customer: Do you have any salmon besides the Alaskan?
Me: I’ve got some farm raised from Chile.
Customer: CHILE IS ON THE PACIFIC COAST!! ITS THE SAME SALMON!!! BUY A MAP!!!
Me: Here's your shrimp.
Customer: Yeah. Thanks. You got any pork chops? All I see is fish.
Me: This is my seafood case. I’ve got a meat case right there.
Customer: Uh...you got steaks too?
Me: Um....yeah...same counter. We've got a full selection of meat. Beef, Pork, chicken, turkey....
Customer: You guys rock.
(A customer is looking intently at the steaks in the counter)
Me: Good morning! How are you doing today?
Customer: Don’t get me started!!!!!
(He walks away)
Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.
Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.
Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.
Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!
Customer: Whatever, Asshole!
(They slam the phone down)
Customer: How many shrimp come in a pound?
Me: I can’t see which ones you’re pointing at. Which ones did you mean?
Customer: (reading the sign) Its the 21/30 count Argentinian pink shrimp.
Me: There’s 21 to 30 in a pound.
Customer: Where are they from?
Me: ....Argentina