Like A Lamb to Slaughter

Customer: Where’s your lamb?  

Me: Right here!  

Customer: I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer: I want normal lamb. I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m still not following.  

Customer: (Holding up package) “Seder farms.” I’m not Jewish! I want normal lamb! 

Me: That’s pronounced “Cedar Farms”. It’s the brand name.   

Customer: Ah.  

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

Mistaken Identity

Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?

Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.

(A few minutes later)

Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.

Me: Sure. What’s the name?

Customer: Johnson.

(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)

Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?

Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.

Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?

Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.

Turkey Class

Customer: (On phone) I need to get a cooked turkey to take to a kid’s class.

Me: I don’t really have cooked turkey. Other than lunch meat.

Customer: I don’t want lunch meat! I need it for a children’s classroom.

Me: Everything I have is raw. The deli might....

Customer: I already spoke to the deli. They only have turkey breasts. I need a whole cooked turkey. For a class.

Me: I don’t really have anything like that. I’m sorry....

Customer: You just ruined a bunch of kids’ day! (She hangs up)

Stake Out

 (The phone rings)

Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?

Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.

Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?

Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?

Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?

Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.

Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.

Do You Eat Meat?

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

(I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me)

Me: Okay. Is there something I can help you with?

Customer: I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes. 

Customer: He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably....

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.

(I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper.)

(She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me)

Customer: I don’t eat meat.