Show and Smell

Customer: Can I smell the salmon?

Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.

Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.

Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

And…Cut!

Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.

Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.

Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?

Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.

Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.

Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.

(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )

Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.

(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)

Me: Here are your hocks.

Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.

Feeling Old

Customer: Why are the T-bones so cheap?

Me: They’re just the sale item this week.

Customer: What’s wrong with them? Are they old?

Me: No. I just got them in. They’re just on sale.

Customer: No way. I know how you operate. You put old stuff on sale. I’m not falling for that!

(She proceeds to buy a fillet mignon, the sale item from last week)

Don’t Get Fresh

Customer: What do you mean the Alaskan Salmon is  previously frozen?!?

Me: The season hasn’t opened in Alaska yet. We’ll get the fresh stuff in a few more weeks.  

Customer: You shouldn’t label it wild then. Wild means not frozen.  

Me: Um...:Wild means it isn’t farm raised.  

Customer: Suuure....then what do you label it when it’s fresh?!? 

Me: Um.....well.....it will be labeled fresh.  

I See You

Customer: I want this crab leg.  

Me: You have to help me out a little. I can’t see through the case from back here.  

Customer: It’s right here. Where my hand is.  

Me: This one? I can’t see your hand.

Customer: I don’t know how else to describe it, dude. Better figure it out.

Me: The one to the left? Or the right? 

Customer: Left. Sorry. I should have just said that.  

Southern Salmon

Customer: Where’s your local salmon?  

Me: We don’t get salmon from around here.  

Customer: Why the hell not?! 

Me: There isn’t salmon that comes from Charleston.  

Customer: You don’t know what you’re talking about!!  I’ve gotten Cooper River Salmon here before. The Cooper River is right out back! I mean, hello?

Me: We get Copper River Salmon from the Copper River in Alaska.  The season opens up next month.

Customer: You guys should label it better. 

Like A Lamb to Slaughter

Customer: Where’s your lamb?  

Me: Right here!  

Customer: I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer: I want normal lamb. I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m still not following.  

Customer: (Holding up package) “Seder farms.” I’m not Jewish! I want normal lamb! 

Me: That’s pronounced “Cedar Farms”. It’s the brand name.   

Customer: Ah.  

Wash Day

Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.  

Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.  

Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.  

Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!  

Customer: Whatever, Asshole!  

(They slam the phone down)  

Busy Bee

Customer: I want a pound of ground chuck! Wait, where is it?  

Me: We don’t actually open for another two hours so it’s not in the case right now. I was actually getting ready to grind it. If you give me a minute, I can have it ready.  

Customer: I don’t have time to wait.  

Me: It won’t take long; I’m holding the grinder parts right now. Give me literally 60 seconds and I’ll have some done for you.  

Customer: I don’t have time! What does that even mean “you don’t open for another two hours?!” What makes it take so long?! 

Me: It takes time to cut and grind everything fresh every morning. I can get it for you right now  

Customer: I’m busy! 

(She storms off) 

Reading Is Fundamental

Customer: (dropping a bag of half eaten steaks inside a plastic bag on the counter) These were the toughest fillet mignons I’ve ever eaten. You must have cut them wrong. 

Me: (Looking at them)   They’re not fillets. These are eye of round steaks. 

Customer: I don’t know the difference. You idiots should have labeled them better.  

Me: (Looking at the label that clearly says “eye of round steaks.”) Yes sir. Sorry about that.