Count On Me

Customer: I’d like 28 shrimp, please. 

(I start counting them out)  

Customer: What’s the difference between these crab cakes?  

Me: Just a second. 

Customer: Excuse me! What is the difference between these crab cakes? 

(I stop counting)  

Me: The ones on the left use all jumbo lump crab meat. 

Customer: Why aren’t you done with my shrimp?  

Me: Sorry.  

(I start counting again)  

Customer: How do I cook the monk fish?  

Oven Ready

Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.  

Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.  

Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.  

Me: Well, you have to thaw it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready. 

(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. ) 

Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready.  

I’ve Got Some Bad News

Intercom: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 20 MINUTES! PLEASE MAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS AND COME UP FRONT!

Customer: Wait. This store is 24 hours!

Me: Yes sir, but we close early on Thanksgiving.

Customer: Oh, god. I have to go get a turkey, some oysters, and some smoked neck bones!

Me: Um...Yeah. About that.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

Mistaken Identity

Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?

Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.

(A few minutes later)

Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.

Me: Sure. What’s the name?

Customer: Johnson.

(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)

Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?

Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.

Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?

Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.