Dinner Time

Me: Here are your crab legs. Careful they’re hot. I just took them out of the steamer.  

Customer: Can you steam a pound of shrimp too?  

Me: Sure.  

(She opens the bag and starts eating the crab. )  

Customer: You want one? 

Me: No thanks.  

(I give her the shrimp and notice she’s cracked open a beer and is drinking it) 

Customer: You want anything from the store? 

Me: Um....I’m good.  

Down On The Farm

Customer: There’s so many types of Salmon. Why is that? What’s the difference between Farm Raised Salmon and Wild Caught Salmon?

(I go into all of the differences between the types of salmon. Dietary differences, environmental differences, etc)

Customer: (blank stare) 

Me: The Farm Raised Salmon is…raised on a farm. The Wild Caught is..um…caught in the wild.

Customer: Okay. I’ll take the farm raised.

Snooze Button

Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.  

Me: What?  

Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.  

Me: I still don’t understand.  

Customer: Where is everything? You just get here? 

Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.  

Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.  

(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)  

Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.  

Oven Ready

Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.  

Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.  

Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.  

Me: Well, you have to thaw it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready. 

(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. ) 

Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready.  

Ground Beef

Customer: I’d like a rib roast with out any bones.  

Me: So a bone in rib roast with the bones cut off.  

Customer: No. I don’t want there to be any bones.  

Me: Well, I can give you a bones ribeye roast, but it’s more expensive that way. It works out to be cheaper if you buy the bone in one and I cut it off. Plus you can keep the back ribs I cut off.  

Customer: I don’t want there to have been any bones....like ever. 

Me: I don’t understand.  

Customer: I read that up north they’re raising cattle with no bones.  

Me: I don’t think I’ve heard of that.  

Customer: I read an internet article.  

Can You Be More Specific

Customer: I need to put in an order for some fondue meat. 

Me: Sure thing! How much are you looking to get?  

Customer: A lot!  

Me: Um...okay. How much is that?  

(Blank Stare)  

Me: How many people are you  serving?  

Customer: A bunch!  

Me: If you tell me a rough estimate, I can figure out how much you need. Roughly, 8oz is a serving size.  

(Blank Stare)  

Customer’s Wife: Jesus, Ed. It’s not that hard. We’re serving 7 people for Christmas.  

Me: Okay. I can do that! When would you like to pick it up?  

Customer: The 21st, the 22nd, or the 23rd. Or maybe I’ll come in on the 24th! I’ll let you know when I show up!! 



The One

Me: Anything else?

Customer: No.

Me: Great. Have a good one!

Customer: What is it with you Charleston people. That is offensive, but I like it.

Me: I'm sorry.

Customer: You overuse "one" One can be anything. I could go home and eat a sandwich. I could eat one sandwich. Is that the "one" you mean?!?!

Me: Um...day. I meant day.

Customer: (She walks away in a huff) Really! You southerners are sooo weird.

Me: Have a good DAY!

Mind Reading

Me: How can I help you?

Customer: I want a large one.

(I look to see if she’s pointing to something in the case and I just can’t see it. She is not.)

Me: What kind of steak?

Customer: Like not a small one.

Me: I don’t know what kind of steak you want.

Customer: A large one.

Me: No. I mean do you want a strip steak, ribeye, sirloin fillet, or tenderloin.

Customer: Sirloin, obviously.

Me: Coming right up!

Where Am I?

Customer: (looking around the meat department) Do you guys have fresh bread around here?

Me: Yeah. We've got a bakery on (I make a gesture indicating the direction) the other side of the store.

Customer: (turning to look directly behind her at the frozen seafood case) Where? Behind me? (She opens a door, revealing frozen shrimp) Where's the bread?

Me: Um... is on the other side of the store. You have to walk down this aisle.

One Word... Plastics

Customer: Where are your briskets?

Me: Right here!

Customer: That can't be right.

Me: What's wrong?

Customer: (looking at the vacuum packed Brisket and the vacuum packed eye of round beside it) No. No. No. No.

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: Does all of your meat come like this?

Me: Like what?

Customer: In.....plastic?!?

Me: Um.....yes. All of our meat comes vacuum packed in plastic.

Customer: I don't think you can do that! That's not safe!

Me: Vacuum packaging ensures.....

Customer: I don't care about the vacuuming packaging...I care about the....the....plastic.

Me: It kinda has to be plastic if you want to seal out all of the air.

Customer: Well, maybe you should only get in what you need. Like one piece of the cow at a time.

No Bones About It

Customer: I'd like a pound of shrimp.

Me: No problem.

Customer: These shrimp are boneless, right?

Me: Um.....yes. There are no bones in the shrimp.

Customer: (placing his hand on the counter) I'm serious, dude, there better not be any bones in these damn shrimp.

Me: Shrimp don't have bones, sir.

Customer: Look, man. I'm feeding these shrimp to a kid. I. Don't. Want. There. To. Be. Any. Bones.

Me: I 100% guarantee there aren't any bones in this shrimp.

Customer: Alrighty.