Ice Ice Baby

Customer: I want a bag of ice.

(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)

Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.

(I turn to go get more ice.)

Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.

Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?

Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.

How Much Is That Shrimp In The Window

Customer: One pound of shrimp.  

Me: Sure thing!  

(I start putting shrimp in a bag. I stop to throw it on the scale to see where I’m at)  

Customer: Can I look at that?  

(I show him how much is in the bag) 

Customer: How much is that?  

Me: (putting it back on the scale) 3/4 of a pound.  

Customer: I wanted a pound.  

Me: I wasn’t finished yet.  

(I put some more shrimp in the bag) 

Customer:Okay.  That’s fine right there.  

(I put in on the scale to print a price) 

Customer: How much was it? 

Me: .87 of a pound.  

Customer: ONE POUND!! How hard is that?! 

I See You

Customer: I want this crab leg.  

Me: You have to help me out a little. I can’t see through the case from back here.  

Customer: It’s right here. Where my hand is.  

Me: This one? I can’t see your hand.

Customer: I don’t know how else to describe it, dude. Better figure it out.

Me: The one to the left? Or the right? 

Customer: Left. Sorry. I should have just said that.  

Count On Me

Customer: I’d like 28 shrimp, please. 

(I start counting them out)  

Customer: What’s the difference between these crab cakes?  

Me: Just a second. 

Customer: Excuse me! What is the difference between these crab cakes? 

(I stop counting)  

Me: The ones on the left use all jumbo lump crab meat. 

Customer: Why aren’t you done with my shrimp?  

Me: Sorry.  

(I start counting again)  

Customer: How do I cook the monk fish?  

What Took So Long

Customer: I want 7 containers of your smoked salmon and I want each one to be $6.50. 

Me: Okay. It’s gonna take me like 5 or 6 minutes to weigh those out so I get the price right.  

(He walks away and returns like 90 seconds later)  

Customer: You’re still not done?!?? 

Me: I’m finishing up the last few right now.  

Customer: I can’t believe you’ve been doing this the whole time. I’m the customer! You’re supposed to take care of me! Don’t get distracted by other things, I was here first!! 

Busy Bee

Customer: I want a pound of ground chuck! Wait, where is it?  

Me: We don’t actually open for another two hours so it’s not in the case right now. I was actually getting ready to grind it. If you give me a minute, I can have it ready.  

Customer: I don’t have time to wait.  

Me: It won’t take long; I’m holding the grinder parts right now. Give me literally 60 seconds and I’ll have some done for you.  

Customer: I don’t have time! What does that even mean “you don’t open for another two hours?!” What makes it take so long?! 

Me: It takes time to cut and grind everything fresh every morning. I can get it for you right now  

Customer: I’m busy! 

(She storms off) 

Where’d I Lose You?

Customer: (staring at an empty counter with the lights turned out) Yo! Where’s your shrimp?  

Me: Well, sir, we don’t actually open for another 3 hours. I haven’t started setting seafood up yet. 

Customer: You got any fresh shrimp; I wanted a pound.  

Me: (Walking towards the back cooler) I haven’t started setting up yet, so I don’t know what I have in the back from last night. Let me go to the back and check for you. I should have some left.  

Customer: Damn, man! You can’t fucking go get me some?!? 

Me: Um...that’s what I’m doing. I just wanted to tell you that I had to check first. I don’t know what’s back there.  

Customer: You should open earlier. 

I’ve Got Some Bad News

Intercom: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 20 MINUTES! PLEASE MAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS AND COME UP FRONT!

Customer: Wait. This store is 24 hours!

Me: Yes sir, but we close early on Thanksgiving.

Customer: Oh, god. I have to go get a turkey, some oysters, and some smoked neck bones!

Me: Um...Yeah. About that.

Shitty Thanksgiving

Customer: Any bigger turkeys?

Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.

Customer: Nothing in the back?

Me: No.

Customer: could you check?

(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)

Me: That’s all I have.

Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty

Mind Reading

Me: How can I help you?

Customer: I want a large one.

(I look to see if she’s pointing to something in the case and I just can’t see it. She is not.)

Me: What kind of steak?

Customer: Like not a small one.

Me: I don’t know what kind of steak you want.

Customer: A large one.

Me: No. I mean do you want a strip steak, ribeye, sirloin fillet, or tenderloin.

Customer: Sirloin, obviously.

Me: Coming right up!

The Real Housewives Of The Butcher’s Counter

Customer: I want a pound of shrimp!

Me: Yes, sir.

Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.

Me: Um...yes, sir.

(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)

Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...

(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)

Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned...

Me: Here's your shrimp.

(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)

Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....

(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)

Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..

(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)

Serving Size

 (A customer walks to the counter. Before I can even acknowledge her, she is looking around and frantically waving to get someone’s attention. I stop what I’m doing, and walk over)

Me: May I help you?

(She looks at the shrimp silently for awhile, without looking up at me)

Customer: Is this shrimp fresh?

Me: Yes, ma’am.  Would you like some?

Customer: (still having a conversation with her friend across the aisle) Yeah. John was thinking about going.....

(She looks up and sees I’m waiting to hear her order. )

Customer: (to herself) Let’s see.....five people.....three shrimp per person.....hmmmm....(to me) Give me 20 shrimp.

(She walks away. I bag up and price her shrimp.)

(A little while later she walks back to the counter to grab her shrimp)

Customer: How many shrimp did you put in here?!?

Me: You asked for 20.

Customer: (to herself) five people....four per person.....(to me) Put five more shrimp in here.

(She walks away again. I open her bag, throw in 5 shrimp and reprice it)

(She returns again)

Customer: Better put five more shrimp in!

(She walks away. I put 5 more shrimp in. This time, I wait until she comes back- just in case she wants more)

(She looks at me waiting to reweigh her shrimp )

Customer: What are you waiting for?!?!?

The Boss

 (A man walks to the counter.)

Me: Can I help you with anything?

Customer: No. I need to wait and check with the boss.

Me: Alright. After you check with the boss, let me know what I can get you.

(I go back to work)

Coworker: How can I help you?

Customer: I’m waiting for my wife.

(He goes back to work. )

(A few seconds later his wife, “The Boss” walks up. She she’s her husband waiting by the counter)

The Boss: (gesturing in disbelief at my coworker and me) Is anybody helping you?!?!

Customer: No. I wanted....

The Boss: Hello!!!! Can we get some damn help here?!?!?!

Me: (running over) I’m sorry, ma’am. I asked your husband if he needed help.

Customer: He asked. I was waiting for you.

Me: What can I get you?

(The Boss then spends 40 seconds looking over the case and talking with her husband. I stand there; I don’t dare walk away)

The Boss: Do you have hamburger that’s leaner than this?

Me: I do in the counter out there. It’s already priced, you can grab whatever you want.

(She storms off with her husband trailing behind. )

Fire Sale

 (While working the counter, I smell smoke. I check around and find out that the chicken case has caught on fire.)

(I yell for the guy I'm working with. He grabs a fire extinguisher and I start moving stuff in the case so we can get to the growing electrical fire. )

(A customer approaches. He sees this: I'm holding up a shelf so that my coworker can get the extinguisher close to the VISIBLE FLAMES.)

Customer: Do you guys have anymore hams?

Me: Yeah. I'll get them after we take care of this.

Customer: (agitated) Is there anyone else that can help me?

Me: No. Is just us. I'll get them as soon as the fire is out.

Customer: Could you hurry?