Show and Smell

Customer: Can I smell the salmon?

Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.

Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.

Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Bag It Up

Customer: I want a pound of shrimp, but I want you to get a new box of bags from the back to put them in.

Me: Um….okay.

(I go to the back and emerge with a new box.)

Customer: No! That box is already open. Go get another. I want to watch you open it.

(I get an unopened box, open it while she stares at me, get a bag and put her shrimp in it. )

Customer: Much better.

And…Cut!

Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.

Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.

Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?

Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.

Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.

Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.

(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )

Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.

(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)

Me: Here are your hocks.

Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.

Feeling Old

Customer: Why are the T-bones so cheap?

Me: They’re just the sale item this week.

Customer: What’s wrong with them? Are they old?

Me: No. I just got them in. They’re just on sale.

Customer: No way. I know how you operate. You put old stuff on sale. I’m not falling for that!

(She proceeds to buy a fillet mignon, the sale item from last week)

Focus

Customer: Can I have a little over a pound and a half of hamburger?  

Me: Sure thing. 

Customer: How much was that?  

Me: 1.65 lbs.  

Customer: That’s a lot. Take out a pound. I just  want a little over half a pound. 

Me: Okay.  

Customer: You need to focus a bit more. There’s no way I could eat that by myself. 

Me: I didn’t know you wanted one serving.  

Customer: First day? 

I See You

Customer: I want this crab leg.  

Me: You have to help me out a little. I can’t see through the case from back here.  

Customer: It’s right here. Where my hand is.  

Me: This one? I can’t see your hand.

Customer: I don’t know how else to describe it, dude. Better figure it out.

Me: The one to the left? Or the right? 

Customer: Left. Sorry. I should have just said that.  

Like A Lamb to Slaughter

Customer: Where’s your lamb?  

Me: Right here!  

Customer: I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer: I want normal lamb. I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m still not following.  

Customer: (Holding up package) “Seder farms.” I’m not Jewish! I want normal lamb! 

Me: That’s pronounced “Cedar Farms”. It’s the brand name.   

Customer: Ah.  

It’s a Thin Line

Customer: I want those front two porterhouse steaks. Can you slice them in half?  

Me: They’re a little to small for me to put back on the saw.  I’ve got some thinner ones here or I can cut- 

Customer: Somebody doesn’t feel like working today.  

Me: I was saying I can cut you some thinner ones off of the loin I’m cutting now. 

Customer: Let’s do that. 

Oven Ready

Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.  

Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.  

Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.  

Me: Well, you have to thaw it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready. 

(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. ) 

Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready.  

Busy Bee

Customer: I want a pound of ground chuck! Wait, where is it?  

Me: We don’t actually open for another two hours so it’s not in the case right now. I was actually getting ready to grind it. If you give me a minute, I can have it ready.  

Customer: I don’t have time to wait.  

Me: It won’t take long; I’m holding the grinder parts right now. Give me literally 60 seconds and I’ll have some done for you.  

Customer: I don’t have time! What does that even mean “you don’t open for another two hours?!” What makes it take so long?! 

Me: It takes time to cut and grind everything fresh every morning. I can get it for you right now  

Customer: I’m busy! 

(She storms off) 

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)