And…Cut!

Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.

Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.

Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?

Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.

Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.

Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.

(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )

Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.

(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)

Me: Here are your hocks.

Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.

Feeling Old

Customer: Why are the T-bones so cheap?

Me: They’re just the sale item this week.

Customer: What’s wrong with them? Are they old?

Me: No. I just got them in. They’re just on sale.

Customer: No way. I know how you operate. You put old stuff on sale. I’m not falling for that!

(She proceeds to buy a fillet mignon, the sale item from last week)

Like A Lamb to Slaughter

Customer: Where’s your lamb?  

Me: Right here!  

Customer: I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m sorry?

Customer: I want normal lamb. I’m not Jewish.  

Me: I’m still not following.  

Customer: (Holding up package) “Seder farms.” I’m not Jewish! I want normal lamb! 

Me: That’s pronounced “Cedar Farms”. It’s the brand name.   

Customer: Ah.  

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)  

 

Last Thanksgiving

Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?

Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.

Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!

Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.

Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?

Customer: no. You've done enough.

Bribery

Customer: Hey, dude. I don't see any fresh turkeys. What do you have in the back?

Me: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have anything in the back. I'm all sold out.

Customer: Look, man. I get it. I used to work at Walmart when I was in high school. What do you really have in the back?

Me: I promise you, there's nothing in the back. I'm sold completely out.

Customer: ( gives me a wink) Alright. Alright. I get it. (He pulls out a $20 bill and does that snap thing with it) What do you have in the back now?

Me: Still nothing.

Customer: Oh, you're good. ( he pulls out a $10 bill and adds it to the $20) Eh?

Me: I'd love to take your money, but I really don't have anything to sell you.

Customer: Really?

Me: Really.

Customer: Damn. I really thought that would work.

Shitty Thanksgiving

Customer: Any bigger turkeys?

Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.

Customer: Nothing in the back?

Me: No.

Customer: could you check?

(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)

Me: That’s all I have.

Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty

Mistaken Identity

Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?

Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.

(A few minutes later)

Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.

Me: Sure. What’s the name?

Customer: Johnson.

(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)

Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?

Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.

Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?

Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.

Chicken Season

Customer: I’d like a pound and a half of salmon.

Me: Sure thing! Would you like the farm raised or the wild caught?

Customer: Oh god, the wild salmon. Never farm raised. That’s disgusting and wrong.

Me: Anything else?

Customer: Yes. Two pounds of boneless chicken breast.

(I start to fill a tray with the chicken. She stops me.)

Customer: Wait, young man. This is fresh, yes?

Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s fresh, never frozen.

Customer: And its wild caught, hmmmm?

Me: Um...no, ma’am. Its farm raised. All chicken is farm raised.

Customer: That can’t be! Why the hell would that be true?!

Me: I mean, no one is going out and....um...hunting chickens.

Customer: Maybe not here!

(She walks away)

Give Or Take

Customer: How many of these shrimp come in a pound?

Me: There are about 13-15 shrimp in a pound.

Customer:  I only want a pound.  Don’t go over. I’ll take 15.

(I start to count out 15 shrimp, working to pick ones that will get him close to a pound)

Customer: I don’t want that smaller one! I want this big one!

Me: The bigger shrimp will put it closer to 13 rather than 15.

Customer: Oh I see! You’re trying to short me by giving me the smallest shrimp!

Me: Sir, they’re sold by the pound. A pound will always cost the same no matter how many shrimp. 

Customer: Keep them! I don’t want anything from someone trying to cheat me! You do you!

(He storms off)

Let Me Count The Ways

Customer : You’re r lying to your customers. That sign says there are 51- 60 shrimp in a pound.  Those shrimp aren't 51/60 count.

Me: Uh....yes, ma'am they are. I can show you the box.

Customer: They're too big to be 51/60s. You're telling me 60 of those would make a pound? You're lying.

(I count out 15 shrimp and weigh them)

Me: That's 15. It's about a quarter of a pound. So four of those would be about a 60 shrimp.

Customer : Look, I'm a local. I go shrimping. There's no way there 50 or 60 of those in a pound.

(I count out 50, throw out on the scale, it's a little shy of a pound. I put on 8 more. It's now a pound)

Me: That's 58. A pound on the dot.

Customer: Wow. I could have sworn it wasn't that much.

Me: How much did you want?

Customer: Oh, I don't want any. (Walks away)