Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: There’s too many types of hams out here! How The hell am I supposed to know which ones are boneless?!
Me: Well...um... the boneless hams will be...um labeled “boneless.”
Customer: (stares for a moment) Yep... I’m a moron.
Me: Happens to the best of us.
Customer: This shrimp is $9.99 a pound?
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: One pound.
(I bag up a pound)
Customer: How much was that?
Me: One pound on the dot.
Customer: No. How much money?
Me: $9.99.
Customer: Make it two pounds.
(I add another pound)
Customer: How much was that?
Me: $19.98
Customer: Make it three pounds.
(I do.)
Customer: How much was that?
Customer: Is this “Argentina shrimp” the same as the local shrimp?
Customer: Is this veal grass fed?
Me: No, ma’am.
Customer: Why is it so hard to find that?
Me: Well... um... the thing with veal is, they don’t really let them walk around outside.
Customer: That explains the looks I’ve gotten from other butchers.
Customer: Can I get a bag of mussels and a bag of clams?
Me: Sure!
Customer: Can I cook them in the same pan? Like they won’t fight each other will they?
Customer: Do you have any chicken wings?
Me: No, sir. I’m sorry.
Customer: This is the fourth store I’ve called! How is it every grocery store forgot to order chicken wings?! It’s Super Bowl Sunday!! I mean hello?!
Customer: Why is this chicken so much more expensive?
Me: It’s organic.
Customer: Screw that. Give me a pound of the regular chicken with the chemicals in it!
Customer: Can I get the ribs cut off this roast?
Me: Absolutely!
Customer: Can I give them to my dogs?
Me: I don’t know if I would. There’s a possibility they might splinter. I do know some dog owners that do give them to dogs. It’s really up to you.
Customer: Do you think they’ll splinter?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve heard they splinter. It’s hard to say.
Customer: You really should have given me a strait forward answer.
Me: I’m not a vet unfortunately. (Friendly laugh) I’m a butcher.
(She rolls her eyes and walks away.)
Customer: How big of a rib roast for 3 people.
Me: I’d do two ribs.
Customer: Let’s do three. I want leftovers.
Me: You’ll have leftovers with the 2 ribs.
Customer: We’re big eaters. I’ll take 3.
(I hand it to her)
Customer: Whoa! This is waaaay to much. Cut one rib off of it!
Customer: You’re lying. Those aren’t sea scallops. They’re stingray!
Me: They are real scallops. It’s illegal to mislabel them.
Customer: I don’t believe you.
Me: You can google it.
Customer: Nice try! I know google is in on it!
Customer: You don’t have any fucking crab!
Me: (pointing to the various crabs) I have Dungeness crab, whole cooked blue crab, Alaskan king crab, Jonah crab claws, and stone crab claws. Plus canned jumbo, claw and backfin crab.
Customer: How the fuck don’t you have any crab?
(He walks away)
Customer: I need a ham. It’s for a church.
Me: I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid I’m out.
Customer: But it’s for a church!
Customer: Any oysters?
Me: No, ma’am. I’m sorry.
Customer: Will you get any tomorrow?
Me: I don’t get a truck tomorrow.
Customer: Why not?!
Me:The warehouse staff is off today.
Customer: That’s not fair!
Customer: Where are your oysters?
Me: I’m all out.
Customer: When is your next delivery?
Me: Saturday, but it’ll probably be a week before the warehouse gets more in.
Customer: Well what the fuck?! That’s after Thanksgiving!!!
(Customer Service Clerk brings back a turkey that was returned. It’s out of the package and has clearly been brined already, so I follow policy and throw it away)
10 minutes later:
Customer: I need a fresh turkey.
Me: I’m sorry I’m all out.
Customer: Are you fucking kidding me?! I just brought my turkey back because it was too big. I want it back!
Me: I’m sorry sir. We have to throw away all the returns. They just dumped my trash into the dumpster.
Customer: So because I bought the wrong size, now I don’t get anything?!
Customer: I don’t see turkeys out here.
Me: I’m all out.
Customer: What about hams?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: So I’m paying your salary to what? Stand around?
(Please note: while he asked me this, I was unloading a couple of boxes of chicken)
Customer: Where’s your turkey display?
Me: I’m sorry sir. I’m all out.
Customer: but....but...but...it’s thanksgiving.
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: (walking away) But it’s thanksgiving. It’s thanksgiving. It’s...
Customer: Any turkeys left?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: What about hams?
Me: No.
Customer: Rib roasts?
Me: No.
Customer: Why are you even here today?
Me: I’m not really sure, sir.
Customer: Happy Thanksgiving!
Customer: Since you’re out, what’s a good substitute for ham?
Me: Ummmm....well....I’ve got a pork roast you could get
Customer: Close enough. At least both of them used to oink.
Customer: I want you to cut me a 10 lb rib roast.
Me: I’m sorry, I’m all out of rib roasts.
Customer: What?!?! My plan was to come today and have you cut one!!!!!
Me: I’m really sorry.
Customer: What the hell are we supposed to eat? Ham sandwiches?!