Count on me
Customer: I want three tuna steaks, and I want these right here.
Me: I can’t…
Customer: Can’t what?! Count?!
Me: …see where you’re pointing from this side of the case.
Customer: (turns red)
Who’s bad
Customer: I bought this breakfast sausage yesterday and when I opened it, it was rotten.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m surprised to hear that; it’s got a good date on it.
Customer: Yeah, I bought it yesterday. I only left it in my car for about 5 hours. When I opened it, it was bad.
Here’s a tip
Customer: Hi! You told me how to cook my rib roast for Christmas?
Me: Yes, ma’am. How did it turn out?
Customer: This is for you.
(She hands me an envelope and walks away. I’m thinking it’s a tip. It doesn’t happen often, but some people tip. I open it…it’s a recipe for a rib roast).
Why?
(There are so many customers on my aisle, that you can barely walk. I’m frantically trying to fill the holes in my meat case)
Customer: You guys sure are doing a lot of restocking. Why?
Never tell me the odds
Customer: What are the chances that y’all will get some prime tenderloin in for Christmas
Me: Well sir, since we are open for 6 more hours and closed on Christmas I would say 0% chance.
Customer: Aw…son of a BITCH!
My foot hurts
(Customer removes the lid off of a box of a Bushel of oysters, leaving an open box on the display. She uses the lid to prop her leg up on the motorized cart she’s using)
Me: Ma’am, I can’t let you do that. I can’t have the oysters open in the aisle, plus the barcode is on the top of the box.
Customer: My foot hurts!
Me: I can get you another empty box, it’s a health code violation to leave these open.
Customer: My foot hurts!
Teachable moment
(A woman comes back with the store manager.)
Customer: You sold me underweight lobsters!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: The ad said these lobsters would be 1.25-1.33lbs.
Me: How much were those?
Customer: 1.20lbs! These are underweight.
Manager: I’m sorry ma’am. If you want, I can give you that roast you have for free to make up for it.
Customer: I don’t want anything free. I want this to be a teaching moment so they don’t sell me any underweight lobsters again!
Press 2
Automated phone: Thanks for calling Chambers Supermarkets. For customer service and employment opportunities press 1. For the deli press 2. For produce press 3. For meat and seafood press 4. For…
(Customer presses selection)
Me: Meat department. How can I help you.
Customer: Do you deal with lost and found?
Me: Nope. This is the meat department. I’ll transfer you to customer service.
2 minutes later:
Automated phone: Thanks for calling Chambers Supermarkets. For customer service and employment opportunities press 1. For the deli press 2. For produce press 3. For meat and seafood press 4. For…
(Customer presses selection)
Me: Meat department. How can I help you.
Same customer: Can you just transfer me to customer service
Press 1
Automated phone: Thanks for calling Chambers Supermarkets. For customer service and employment opportunities press 1. For the deli press 2. For produce press 3. For meat and seafood press 4. For…
(Customer presses selection)
Me: Meat department. How can I help you.
Customer: I put in an application a week ago. Why haven’t you called me?
Me: You put one in for the meat department?
Customer: No. For produce. Not meat!
Me: This is the meat department. Hold on. I’ll transfer you.
Customer: Jesus.
The Dairy queen
Customer: Do you know anything about the dairy?
Me: I do not. (I’m about to say “let me get you someone”)
Customer: Is this almond milk the only brand you carry?
Me: I’m not sure. Let me get…
Customer: What about cashew milk?
Me: I don’t know anything about that. I’ll get you…
Customer: Does it come in any flavors?
It’s Alive!!!
Customer: I’ll take 5 of those clams.
Me: Yes, ma’am. Here ya go!
Customer: There’s a tiny hole in the bag.
Me: That’s so the clams can breathe. You don’t want them to suffocate.
Customer: Breathe?!
Me: Yes, ma’am. They’re alive.
Customer: (gagging) Never mind. I don’t want them. They’re…alive!!
Don’t look now
Customer: I was looking at your hams. Any bigger ones?
Me: No, sir. Those are the last two that I have.
Customer: So I have to choose from only two hams?!
Me: (looking over his shoulder) Actually someone just picked up one. There’s only one.
Customer: (Scurrying away) Dagnabbit!!
Self aware
Customer: Turkey breasts?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: Why?
Me: We didn’t get many in this year. They sold out.
Customer: So just because I waited til thanksgiving, I don’t get a Turkey breast?!
Happy holidays
Customer: When are you going to get more turkeys than this?
Me: I’m not. Those are my last two.
Customer: God, the holidays suck.
Repeat after me
Customer: I need a smaller Turkey.
Me: I’ve only got those two left.
Customer: Nothing in the back?
Me: Nothing in the back.
Customer: Are you sure?
Me: I’m sure.
Customer: None anywhere?
Me: None anywhere.
Customer: So you’re telling me that these two are it?
Butter bawl
Customer: I need a Turkey.
Me: You’re in luck; I’ve got a couple left.
Customer: I saw those. I don’t like butterball.
Me: I’m sorry. That’s all I have.
Customer: I don’t like butterball.
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: I don’t like butterball.
Bah!
Customer: Where are your oysters?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: (angrily waving his hand) Bah!
What day is it
Customer: I need chicken gizzards to make gravy for thanksgiving.
Me: I’m sorry. We haven’t been able to get gizzards or livers in for a few months. It’s one of the casualties of the product shortage.
Customer: But it’s for thanksgiving.
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: It’s fucking thanksgiving.
Aww shucks
Customer: Shucked oysters?
Me: I’m all out. I’m sorry.
Customer: You don’t have ANY oysters of ANY kind?!
Me: I’ve got oysters in the shell right below where you’re standing.
Customer: I said shucked! You need to listen!
Praise The Lord
(A coworker and I are working the counter.)
Coworker: …that’s some crazy shit.
(A customer heard our conversation.)
Customer: I can’t believe you would talk like that!
Coworker: I’m really sorry sir. It was an accident.
Customer: Do you know what I do for a living? I’m a preacher. I can’t believe you’d talk like that.
Coworker: (leaving) I’m so sorry, sir.
Me: Sorry about that sir.
Customer: Its disgusting language, I’m a preacher.
Me: I’m sorry that happened, sir.
Customer: (looking around uncomfortably) Look, I’m not really a preacher.
Me: Um…okay
Customer: We’ll, I COULD have been a preacher.