Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: How big of a rib roast for 3 people.
Me: I’d do two ribs.
Customer: Let’s do three. I want leftovers.
Me: You’ll have leftovers with the 2 ribs.
Customer: We’re big eaters. I’ll take 3.
(I hand it to her)
Customer: Whoa! This is waaaay to much. Cut one rib off of it!
Customer: You’re lying. Those aren’t sea scallops. They’re stingray!
Me: They are real scallops. It’s illegal to mislabel them.
Customer: I don’t believe you.
Me: You can google it.
Customer: Nice try! I know google is in on it!
Customer: You don’t have any fucking crab!
Me: (pointing to the various crabs) I have Dungeness crab, whole cooked blue crab, Alaskan king crab, Jonah crab claws, and stone crab claws. Plus canned jumbo, claw and backfin crab.
Customer: How the fuck don’t you have any crab?
(He walks away)
Customer: I need a ham. It’s for a church.
Me: I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid I’m out.
Customer: But it’s for a church!
Customer: Any oysters?
Me: No, ma’am. I’m sorry.
Customer: Will you get any tomorrow?
Me: I don’t get a truck tomorrow.
Customer: Why not?!
Me:The warehouse staff is off today.
Customer: That’s not fair!
Customer: Where are your oysters?
Me: I’m all out.
Customer: When is your next delivery?
Me: Saturday, but it’ll probably be a week before the warehouse gets more in.
Customer: Well what the fuck?! That’s after Thanksgiving!!!
(Customer Service Clerk brings back a turkey that was returned. It’s out of the package and has clearly been brined already, so I follow policy and throw it away)
10 minutes later:
Customer: I need a fresh turkey.
Me: I’m sorry I’m all out.
Customer: Are you fucking kidding me?! I just brought my turkey back because it was too big. I want it back!
Me: I’m sorry sir. We have to throw away all the returns. They just dumped my trash into the dumpster.
Customer: So because I bought the wrong size, now I don’t get anything?!
Customer: I don’t see turkeys out here.
Me: I’m all out.
Customer: What about hams?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: So I’m paying your salary to what? Stand around?
(Please note: while he asked me this, I was unloading a couple of boxes of chicken)
Customer: Where’s your turkey display?
Me: I’m sorry sir. I’m all out.
Customer: but....but...but...it’s thanksgiving.
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: (walking away) But it’s thanksgiving. It’s thanksgiving. It’s...
Customer: Any turkeys left?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: What about hams?
Me: No.
Customer: Rib roasts?
Me: No.
Customer: Why are you even here today?
Me: I’m not really sure, sir.
Customer: Happy Thanksgiving!
Customer: Since you’re out, what’s a good substitute for ham?
Me: Ummmm....well....I’ve got a pork roast you could get
Customer: Close enough. At least both of them used to oink.
Customer: I want you to cut me a 10 lb rib roast.
Me: I’m sorry, I’m all out of rib roasts.
Customer: What?!?! My plan was to come today and have you cut one!!!!!
Me: I’m really sorry.
Customer: What the hell are we supposed to eat? Ham sandwiches?!
Customer: Got any turkey breasts?
Me: No. I’m sorry.
Customer: What’s the smallest turkey that you have?
Me: I don’t have any turkeys left.
Customer: Fuuuuck.
Customer: I need an 8 pound rib roast cut in half. I need 4 pounds for me and 4 pounds for my German Shepard. Can I get the angus? Max won’t eat anything else.
Customer: How much do you think that rib roast will feed?
Me: About 10-12 people.
Customer: (to her husband) I don’t know if that will be enough.
Me: How many people are you trying to feed?
Customer: It’s just the two of us.
Customer: I’m only having a few people over for Thanksgiving. I don’t need a whole turkey. I just want two wings, two thighs, two drumsticks, and one breast.
Me: Congratulations! You just built yourself a Turkey!
Customer: I did...yeah... can I change my order to one whole turkey?
Customer: Can you break this pack of cube steak down? I only need 2/3 of a pound.
Me: No problem!
Me: Here ya go. It’s .68 of a pound.
Customer: I wanted 2/3 of a pound. Me: 2/3 is .66, this is .68.
Customer: (looks disappointed and shrugs) That’s okay. I guess we’ll just have leftovers.
Customer: I’d like three whole salmons.
Me: Sure, you mean three sides?
Customer: No. three 8 oz pieces.
Me: These are all 8oz. Which one would you like?
Customer: This one.
(I grab it and wait for her to pick out the other two. She stares at me for awhile.)
Me: Which other one do you want?
Customer: I only want the one.
Customer: Y’all got anymore meat than this?
Me: Yeah. There’s a whole counter...
Customer: We’re making SHABOBS! What kinda meat should we use?
Me: Well, we use...
Customer: SHABOBS! What meat?
Me: We use sirloin for our kabobs.
Customer: SHABOBS! Which meat?
Me: We use sirloin right here. (I put my hand on the package.”
Customer: I DON’T SEE ANY HERE! Is this ALL THE MEAT Y’ALL GOT?!
Me: Right here is the sirloin
(He loudly argues with his wife, grabs 5 packs of hamburgers and leaves)
Customer: How much is that shrimp?
Me: $4.99 a pound.
Customer: Two pounds.
(I bag it)
Customer: How much was that?
Me: $9.98
Customer: I only want $7 worth.