Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Do you have the little tubs of lump crab meat?
Me: No, ma’am. Right now all I have is the cans of claw crab meat.
Customer: Are you sure you don’t have the cans of lump crab meat?
Me: Sorry. All I have is claw crab meat.
Customer: I heard you the first time!! Do you have the containers of lump crab meat?
Customer: What’s in this crab cake?
Me: Which kind are you looking at?
Customer: This one.
Me: I can’t see through the case to where you’re pointing. Which one?
Customer: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN YOUR CRAB CAKES?!
Me: They all have different recipes and I can’t see which one you’re pointing to. There’s a sign on the front. Which kind?
Customer: This one.
(Customer comes to the counter.)
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I’m gonna get some steaks.
Me: Cool. What can I get you?
(He wipes the sweat from his head with a dirty rag. He then uses the same rag to wipe the front of the case.)
Customer: I’d like some tuna.
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: I want to tell you which ones I want. I make over $100,000; I choose what I buy.
Me: That’s usually how this works.
(A customer walks by pushing a red Target shopping cart.)
Customer: You never have any damn buggies.
(He walks away.)
Customer: Where’s your organic chicken?
Me: Right down here, second shelf.
(A Father and Son are in line behind her)
Son: Dad, what’s organic?
Father: It’s something women and wusses eat.
Customer: Can I have one pound of the cooked lobster claws?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: Are those cooked?
Customer: Where are you getting your shrimp?
Me: It’s coming from Wadmalaw Island. (Which is about 18 miles away)
Customer: Ugh! No thanks! I only like local shrimp! Me: Well, it is local-
Customer: (Walking away) It’s ridiculous you can’t get any LOCAL shrimp these days!
Customer: Do you have any veal chops?
Me: Some just came in on my truck like 5 minutes ago. Let me see if I can find it.
Me: (opening a new box) Here you go!
Customer: How fresh is it?
Customer: (holding a package of clearly labeled plant-based meatballs) What type of meat is this? Like is it beef?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s plant based.
Customer: ...so like grass?
Customer: Is it possible for me to get some of the bacon you keep in the case?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: It’s the hickory smoked.
Me: I’ve got it here.
Customer: The one that’s cut about this thick.
Me: How much do you need?
Customer: It’s like $4.99 a lb.
Me: Yep. I’ve got it.
Customer: There’s the sign for it.
Me: Yes. How much?
Customer: It’s hickory smoked.
Customer: Do you have any more of the grass fed ground beef?
Me: No, ma’am. I’m sorry. The plant we get our ground beef from had to temporarily close because several people tested positive.
Customer: You guys can’t blame Covid forever!!! That’s bullshit!!
Customer: I want tuna.
Me: Okay.
Customer: These ones could have touched the other fish. I want one from the back.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece.)
Customer: No! That one is already open. I want to see you open it.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece, still in the vacuum pack.)
Customer: No! I want to see you open the box.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a box, open it, take out a vacuum pack, open it, and hand it to her.)
Customer: Thank you.
Other customer: Gee, I hope nobody mishandled that in the boat, at the packing plant, at the warehouse, or in the truck.
(The first customer looks mortified.)
Me: Good morning, ma’am! How are you doing today?
Customer: CRAB LEGS!!!
Customer: Where’s the Boar’s Head liverwurst?
Me: I don’t actually carry that over here. They may have it in the deli.
Customer: Then why the fuck did they send me over here?!
Me: I’m sorry sir I...
Customer: Fuck you! Piece of shit!
Me: I... Customer: I ought to beat your fucking ass, mother fucker. Have a fucking wonderful day! Don’t fucking talk to me!
Customer: Where’s your leg quarters?
Me: I'm sorry. I don't have any right now. They’re not coming in consistently yet.
Customer: That’s bullshit! I want to talk to a manager!
(I call one)
Manager: Didn’t I tell you not to come back after I caught you stealing last week? Get out or I'm calling the cops.
(He runs away)
Customer: I’m making a German dish. Which of these cuts is closest to horse meat?
Customer: One of those seasoned ribeyes.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Those are supposed to be $10.99!
Me: The plain ones are $10.99. The seasoned ones are $11.99.
Customer: That’s not what the sign says.
Me: The sign you’re pointing to is in front of the plain ones.
Customer: Your signs are misleading!
Customer: I’ve been in here 4 times. There’s no meatloaf mix.
Me: I’m sorry. There’s a bunch of items we’re not getting in right now.
Customer: Are you sure you’re ordering it?
Me: I personally ordered it yesterday. The warehouse doesn’t have any.
Customer: Well, they need to get it together.
Customer: (talking on cellphone) They’ve got salmon. Do you want some? (To me) One pound of salmon.
Me: Farm raised or wild caught?
Customer: (To phone) They’ve got two kinds. What kind do you want? I don’t know....I don’t know. (To me) Here, talk to her.
Me: With everything going on, I’m not comfortable touching your phone.
Customer: Don’t be such a baby! Take the goddamned phone!
Me: I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that.
Customer: I’m the goddamned customer. You do what I say!
Me: I’d be more than happy to explain the difference between the salmon..
Customer: Fuck you! I’m getting a manager!