Chief

(The city has been shit down because of a snowstorm.)

Customer: Is that everything you got out there?

Me: Yes, sir. We…..

Customer: What the hell happened? I mean what’s the big deal?!

Me: Well, we haven’t gotten a truck in 3 days. I’ve got a truck coming in today, but I don’t know when to expect it. It could be any minute or it could be tonight. 

Customer: That’s shit. The roads are fine, chief!

(He storms away before I can tell him our trucks come from NC)

Sound Of Silence

Me: Hi! How are you today?

(The Customer looks up at me, says nothing, then looks back down.)

Me: (10 seconds later) Can I get you anything today?

(Customer looks up at me then looks back down.)

Me: (10 seconds later) : Just let me know if you need anything.

(Looks up and down again)

(I walk away)

Customer: Come back! I need help.

Me: What can I get you?

(Customer looks up at me, says nothing, looks back down.)

(I stand there while she shops around. She leaves without saying anything.)

Ice Ice Baby

Customer: I want a bag of ice.

(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)

Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.

(I turn to go get more ice.)

Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.

Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?

Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.

And…Cut!

Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.

Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.

Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?

Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.

Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.

Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.

(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )

Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.

(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)

Me: Here are your hocks.

Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.

(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)

(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )

Me: Um…excuse me.

Customer: Aww man! You saw that?

Me: Yes. I did.

(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )

Me: I don’t want to touch that!

Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.

Focus

Customer: Can I have a little over a pound and a half of hamburger?  

Me: Sure thing. 

Customer: How much was that?  

Me: 1.65 lbs.  

Customer: That’s a lot. Take out a pound. I just  want a little over half a pound. 

Me: Okay.  

Customer: You need to focus a bit more. There’s no way I could eat that by myself. 

Me: I didn’t know you wanted one serving.  

Customer: First day? 

How Much Is That Shrimp In The Window

Customer: One pound of shrimp.  

Me: Sure thing!  

(I start putting shrimp in a bag. I stop to throw it on the scale to see where I’m at)  

Customer: Can I look at that?  

(I show him how much is in the bag) 

Customer: How much is that?  

Me: (putting it back on the scale) 3/4 of a pound.  

Customer: I wanted a pound.  

Me: I wasn’t finished yet.  

(I put some more shrimp in the bag) 

Customer:Okay.  That’s fine right there.  

(I put in on the scale to print a price) 

Customer: How much was it? 

Me: .87 of a pound.  

Customer: ONE POUND!! How hard is that?! 

I See You

Customer: I want this crab leg.  

Me: You have to help me out a little. I can’t see through the case from back here.  

Customer: It’s right here. Where my hand is.  

Me: This one? I can’t see your hand.

Customer: I don’t know how else to describe it, dude. Better figure it out.

Me: The one to the left? Or the right? 

Customer: Left. Sorry. I should have just said that.  

Snooze Button

Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.  

Me: What?  

Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.  

Me: I still don’t understand.  

Customer: Where is everything? You just get here? 

Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.  

Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.  

(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)  

Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.