Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)
Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!
Me: My truck isn’t here yet.
Customer: You should get your trucks early!
Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.
Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..
Customer: (looking at half empty shelves and tons of people in the store) Your truck late?
Me: No. We aren’t getting one today.
Customer: Someone should lose their job over that.
(The department is closed, We’ve done record business, we’re out of a lot of stuff, and I’m leaving for the day.)
Customer: (To other customer) Wow. They didn’t restock anything today did they? That’s not good business.
(I’m frantically restocking as people are buying everything they can get their hands on)
(A customer walks to the counter. I’m two feet to her left. She doesn’t wait for anyone to acknowledge her. She immediately yells.)
Customer: ANYBODY ACTUALLY WORKING BACK HERE TODAY?!?!
Customer: One of those ribeyes.
Me: Here you go.
Customer: Your case go down?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: Well, there’s nothing in this case and the light is off. I figured either you are having trouble with the case or you guys are slacking off.
Me: Well, we don’t open for another two hours. I’m setting up now. The ribeyes are the first thing I cut.
Customer: Ah. I see.
Customer: (gesturing at the empty case) What time do you put out the seafood?
Me: The seafood department opens at 10. What did you need? I can get you whatever you wanted.
Customer: I want some cheese.
Me: Um...the deli is on the other side of the store. What did you need from the seafood department?
Customer: (walking away) Just the cheese.
(I walk into the department. I’m the first one in, and I haven’t even put on an apron yet)
Customer: Fish?
(I drag out the stuff pulled last night)
Customer: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but this might be easier if you had the fish out.
Me: We don’t open for four hours. I’m the first person in today.
Customer: See if it was out, you wouldn’t have to hunt for it
Customer: Where are you hiding the turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: That’s just great! Thanks a lot man. You know, some people do their thanksgiving later than Thursday. Some of us actually have to work on thanksgiving!
(Phone rings)
Me: Good morning. Meat department. How may I help you?
Customer : Just calling to see if you're open.
Me: Yes sir. The store closes at 2.
Customer: Closing at 2? That's fucking ridiculous! You're store is open 24 hours a day!
Me: We have amended hours on holidays.
Customer: Bullshit! I can't get there until 4. Someone will have to let me in.
Me: there won't really be anyone here past 2:30.
Customer: Fuck that! Happy Thanksgiving! (Slams phone down)
Customer: (looking at empty case) Where the hell is everything? I want seafood.
Me: We’re not open yet, but I can get anything you need. I’m working to get the stuff out so we can open in two hours.
Customer: Salmon.
(I haven’t set up the fish yet, so I have to dig through several bins to find it.)
Customer: Wait. How much is that a pound?
(It’s a new sale, so I dig through the price tags to find the right one.)
Me: It’s....$8.99.
Customer: I’ll take it.
(I hand him his salmon.)
Customer: You know, it would be a lot easier if that stuff was in the case. Don’t want to tell you your job, but all that searching around wastes time.
(The city has been shit down because of a snowstorm.)
Customer: Is that everything you got out there?
Me: Yes, sir. We…..
Customer: What the hell happened? I mean what’s the big deal?!
Me: Well, we haven’t gotten a truck in 3 days. I’ve got a truck coming in today, but I don’t know when to expect it. It could be any minute or it could be tonight.
Customer: That’s shit. The roads are fine, chief!
(He storms away before I can tell him our trucks come from NC)
(The department is closed. I’m leaving to go home)
Customer: What happened to the steaks?
Me: We closed an hour ago. I’ve got a bunch of steaks out here, we’ve just closed down the stuff under the glass.
Customer: These are all two packs. I only want one steak.
Me: I can break one open for you.
(I open the pack and wrap the steaks separately)
Customer: Wow. That’s a good sale. Only $5 a steak! You know what, I’ll take them both.
Me: Great.
Customer: Can you package them together?
Customer: Your selection sucks today! Where are all the steaks?
Me: We don’t open for another two hours. I can cut you whatever you need.
Customer: (looking at a half empty case with the lights out, below a sign that says “Hours: 9am- 10pm”) How the hell am I supposed to know you’re not open?!
(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)
Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!
Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound.
(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.)
(5 mins later, he comes back)
Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.
Me: Okay.
(Ten minutes later, he comes back)
Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon?
(I am frantically cutting meat trying to fill a counter after 3 days of snow, no trucks, and tons of business. )
Me: Can I help you?
Customer: Yeah. You’re cutting what I need.
Me: Top sirloin?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was fillet mignon.
Me: It’ll take me 10 minutes, but I can cut you a few.
Customer: I’ll wait.
Me: Okay.
Customer: You know, I went to my office on Broad Street this morning. The sidewalks are so icy.
Me: Yeah. It’s pretty rough out there.
Customer: It’s really dangerous. There is no reason that anyone should be out on the roads.
Me: Yeah….um….here’s your steak. Be safe out there.
Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.
Me: What?
Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.
Me: I still don’t understand.
Customer: Where is everything? You just get here?
Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.
Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.
(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)
Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.
Customer: I want a pound of ground chuck! Wait, where is it?
Me: We don’t actually open for another two hours so it’s not in the case right now. I was actually getting ready to grind it. If you give me a minute, I can have it ready.
Customer: I don’t have time to wait.
Me: It won’t take long; I’m holding the grinder parts right now. Give me literally 60 seconds and I’ll have some done for you.
Customer: I don’t have time! What does that even mean “you don’t open for another two hours?!” What makes it take so long?!
Me: It takes time to cut and grind everything fresh every morning. I can get it for you right now
Customer: I’m busy!
(She storms off)
Customer: (staring at an empty counter with the lights turned out) Yo! Where’s your shrimp?
Me: Well, sir, we don’t actually open for another 3 hours. I haven’t started setting seafood up yet.
Customer: You got any fresh shrimp; I wanted a pound.
Me: (Walking towards the back cooler) I haven’t started setting up yet, so I don’t know what I have in the back from last night. Let me go to the back and check for you. I should have some left.
Customer: Damn, man! You can’t fucking go get me some?!?
Me: Um...that’s what I’m doing. I just wanted to tell you that I had to check first. I don’t know what’s back there.
Customer: You should open earlier.
Intercom: Attention Customers, we will be closing in 30 minutes.
Customer: This store is 24 hours.
Me: We close at 2 today.
Customer: The sign out front says 24 hours.
Me: we close early on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Customer: If the sign says 24 hours, you’re 24 hours. I won’t leave.
(She walks away)
(I'm walking up to the store. There's plywood on the windows, the lights are off, we are not open yet)
(Two guys in a BMW pull up, blaring Papa Roach music)
Customer: You guys aren't open.
Me: No. We have to go through a little before we're ready to serve customers.
Customer: Great! Where am I supposed to get my Starbucks?!
(they speed away, tires literally squealing)