To Bacon, or Not To Bacon

(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)

Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!

Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want? 

Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound. 

(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.) 

(5 mins later, he comes back) 

Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.  

Me: Okay. 

(Ten minutes later, he comes back) 

Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon? 

(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)

(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )

Me: Um…excuse me.

Customer: Aww man! You saw that?

Me: Yes. I did.

(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )

Me: I don’t want to touch that!

Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.

Easy Come Easy Go

Customer: One pound of crab legs.

Me: Yes sir. (I start to sort through the crab legs for good looking ones)

Customer: Not that one. I want that one in front.

Me: (reaching towards the front) I can’t really see in the counter. This one?

Customer: NO! The front one. Damn.

(I get the crab legs priced. He takes them and throws a bill on the counter.)

Customer: Thanks.

(I pick up the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he left me.)

(He runs back over.)

Customer: Give that back!

(I hand him the hundred. He hands me a one dollar bill.)

Me: Have a nice day.

Wash Day

Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.  

Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.  

Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.  

Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!  

Customer: Whatever, Asshole!  

(They slam the phone down)  

Oven Ready

Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.  

Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.  

Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.  

Me: Well, you have to thaw it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready. 

(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. ) 

Me: have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready.  

Reading Is Fundamental

Customer: (dropping a bag of half eaten steaks inside a plastic bag on the counter) These were the toughest fillet mignons I’ve ever eaten. You must have cut them wrong. 

Me: (Looking at them)   They’re not fillets. These are eye of round steaks. 

Customer: I don’t know the difference. You idiots should have labeled them better.  

Me: (Looking at the label that clearly says “eye of round steaks.”) Yes sir. Sorry about that. 

It’s A Long Story

(The Phone rings)  

Me: Meat department. How may I help you?  

Customer: I was in the store yesterday with my nephew. Last week I got some of those snow crab legs. They were so good. I ate them when my sister was over. She was so mad that I wouldn’t give her any, but they were mine! So I was in there yesterday with my nephew. I thought I’d sure like some more of those snow crab. So I had the guy behind the counter bag me up three pounds. Then I thought I should get some more. So I had him throw a few more in. I went home and cooked them. I had some rice with them. It was some of that wild rice. I thought it would match up with the snow crab. Sometimes I do potatoes with crab, but I really wanted rice. The crab turned out so dry.  

Me: I’m sorry—

Customer: Now I know how to cook crab. I’ve been cooking crab since I was a kid. My mother taught me how, I used to help her when I was younger. She’d bring home crab and say, “It’s time to cook up some crab!”, and I’d help her. This crab was so dry. I have never had crab that was this dry.  

Me: I’m sorry that— 

Customer: It was so dry. I want you to know that I cooked it just like I alway do. I didn’t change anything, except for the rice, like I told you. I used some old bay and some lemon like I always do. They were dry. I like crab, but this was dry. The rice was good, but the crab was dry. 

Me: (waiting a second to see if she was done) I’m sorry that happened.  

Customer : What can you do to take care of me? 

Me: I can’t do anything over the phone, but if you want to come in, we can give you a refund or some more crab for free.  

Customer: Normally, I’d take the crab, but it was so dry. I think I’ll wait a little bit before I get anymore. A refund would work. I could buy something else. I was thinking of getting a roast. I could use that money for that. I like a good roast and the weather is perfect for it.  

Me: Great. Well, come on in; we’ll take good care of you.  

Customer: This is the store in Summerville?  

Me: No, ma’am. This is the store downtown.  

Customer: Whoops! Never mind!  


The Tenderloin of Christmas Past

Coworker: This customer brought this tenderloin back for us to trim.  

Me: We’re really not supposed to do that once it’s left the store.  

Coworker: I already told her yes.  

Me: Okay.  

(I open the tenderloin and start trying to trim it. It starts  disintegrating in my hands; practically turning into water)  

(I look at the date on the wrapper. I can barely make out 1/12) 

Me: Um....there’s something wrong with your tenderloin.  

Customer: I bought it here!  

Me: When did you buy it?  

Customer: Last January.  

Me: So like a year ago?!?! 

Customer: I put in the freezer. I took it out three weeks ago to thaw out.  

Me: Ma’am, you can’t serve this tenderloin. You’ll make someone sick.  

Customer: But it’s Christmas! 

I’m Thankful For Pans

 (A customer slams a half wrapped turkey hanging out of a pan on the counter)

Customer: The turkey you sold me is to big to fit in my fucking pan!

Me: I'm sorry ma'am. What size did you ask for?

Customer: I don't know!

(I look it up in our order book)

Me: Ma'am, you ordered a 14lb turkey. This one is only 12 3/4. I'm really sorry.

Customer: Fuck your sorry. What are you going to do about it.

Me: I've only got one turkey left. It was from an order that someone didn't pick up. Problem is it's a 20lb turkey.

Customer: Well that's not going to fit in my pan.

Me: We do sell those foil disposable pans.

Customer: I don't do disposable pans. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving !

(She storms off)


Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?

Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.

Customer: So it’s not tender?

Me: Not really. I....

Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!

(She turns and walks away)

(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)

Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.

(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)