And…Cut!

Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.

Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.

Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?

Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.

Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.

Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.

(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )

Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.

(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)

Me: Here are your hocks.

Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.

Feeling Old

Customer: Why are the T-bones so cheap?

Me: They’re just the sale item this week.

Customer: What’s wrong with them? Are they old?

Me: No. I just got them in. They’re just on sale.

Customer: No way. I know how you operate. You put old stuff on sale. I’m not falling for that!

(She proceeds to buy a fillet mignon, the sale item from last week)

Don’t Get Fresh

Customer: What do you mean the Alaskan Salmon is  previously frozen?!?

Me: The season hasn’t opened in Alaska yet. We’ll get the fresh stuff in a few more weeks.  

Customer: You shouldn’t label it wild then. Wild means not frozen.  

Me: Um...:Wild means it isn’t farm raised.  

Customer: Suuure....then what do you label it when it’s fresh?!? 

Me: Um.....well.....it will be labeled fresh.  

Southern Salmon

Customer: Where’s your local salmon?  

Me: We don’t get salmon from around here.  

Customer: Why the hell not?! 

Me: There isn’t salmon that comes from Charleston.  

Customer: You don’t know what you’re talking about!!  I’ve gotten Cooper River Salmon here before. The Cooper River is right out back! I mean, hello?

Me: We get Copper River Salmon from the Copper River in Alaska.  The season opens up next month.

Customer: You guys should label it better. 

Oven Ready

Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.  

Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.  

Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.  

Me: Well, you have to thaw it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready. 

(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. ) 

Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready.  

Misinformation

Customer: This is disgusting! You support LONG LINE FISHING?!?! 

Me: I’m sorry?  

Customer: This sign says the tuna was long line caught. That’s irresponsible. Do you know what that does to the environment? 

Me: Long line isn’t destructive. They bait individual hooks so they can bring up only what they need. I think you’re thinking of trawling. They drag a net along the ocean floor, it’s the only way to catch shrimp or bottom dwelling fish.  

Customer: That’s what I meant. I thought it was called long line fishing.  

(She looks at the counter for a few seconds.) 

Customer: This sign says the flounder is trawl caught. That’s disgusting. How can you support that?! I’d like to speak to a manager. You need to tell your corporate offices to stop this!  

Me: I’ll get you a manager.  

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)  

 

Shitty Thanksgiving

Customer: Any bigger turkeys?

Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.

Customer: Nothing in the back?

Me: No.

Customer: could you check?

(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)

Me: That’s all I have.

Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty

Couple Goals

Customer: Can I have a couple of chicken breasts?

Me: Sure! (I put two chicken breasts in the bag and put it on the scale)

Customer: How many is that?

Me: Two.

Customer: I wanted three.

Me: Okay. (I put in another chicken breast.)

Customer: (Looking at weight) That’s not enough. Put a couple more in.

(I put in two more)

Customer: How many is that?

Me: Five.

Customer: I wanted four.

(I take out one of the breasts)

Chicken Season

Customer: I’d like a pound and a half of salmon.

Me: Sure thing! Would you like the farm raised or the wild caught?

Customer: Oh god, the wild salmon. Never farm raised. That’s disgusting and wrong.

Me: Anything else?

Customer: Yes. Two pounds of boneless chicken breast.

(I start to fill a tray with the chicken. She stops me.)

Customer: Wait, young man. This is fresh, yes?

Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s fresh, never frozen.

Customer: And its wild caught, hmmmm?

Me: Um...no, ma’am. Its farm raised. All chicken is farm raised.

Customer: That can’t be! Why the hell would that be true?!

Me: I mean, no one is going out and....um...hunting chickens.

Customer: Maybe not here!

(She walks away)

A Crab By Any Other Name

Me: Anything else I can get you?

Customer: Do you have any crab cakes?

Me: I do! I have three varieties.  Which one did you want?

Customer: Do you have crab cakes?

Me: (pointing to the three types of crab cakes I have) Right here. Which kind did you want?

Customer: Crab cakes! (Acting like I’m just not getting it) Crab Cakes!

Me: These are all of the varieties I carry.

Customer: I want the kind in the crab shell.

Me: Oh, the deviled crabs. I don’t have any of them right now.

Customer: I call them crab cakes.

Me: Is there anything else I can get you?

Customer: I’ll take this front piece of tuna.

(I go to get the tuna in the front of the case.)

Customer: Front! Front!

(I move my hand around to all of the tuna steaks in the front of the case.)

Customer: Front! Front!!

(I move my hand to the back of the case)

Customer: Yes, that one. I call that the front.

Give Or Take

Customer: How many of these shrimp come in a pound?

Me: There are about 13-15 shrimp in a pound.

Customer:  I only want a pound.  Don’t go over. I’ll take 15.

(I start to count out 15 shrimp, working to pick ones that will get him close to a pound)

Customer: I don’t want that smaller one! I want this big one!

Me: The bigger shrimp will put it closer to 13 rather than 15.

Customer: Oh I see! You’re trying to short me by giving me the smallest shrimp!

Me: Sir, they’re sold by the pound. A pound will always cost the same no matter how many shrimp. 

Customer: Keep them! I don’t want anything from someone trying to cheat me! You do you!

(He storms off)

Tenderness

Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?

Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.

Customer: So it’s not tender?

Me: Not really. I....

Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!

(She turns and walks away)

(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)

Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.

(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)

Marrow Removal Service

Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!

Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.

Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.

Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.

Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!

Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.

Customer: Then what is it?

Me: Um…the spinal cord.

Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?