(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)

(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )

Me: Um…excuse me.

Customer: Aww man! You saw that?

Me: Yes. I did.

(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )

Me: I don’t want to touch that!

Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.

The Tenderloin of Christmas Past

Coworker: This customer brought this tenderloin back for us to trim.  

Me: We’re really not supposed to do that once it’s left the store.  

Coworker: I already told her yes.  

Me: Okay.  

(I open the tenderloin and start trying to trim it. It starts  disintegrating in my hands; practically turning into water)  

(I look at the date on the wrapper. I can barely make out 1/12) 

Me: Um....there’s something wrong with your tenderloin.  

Customer: I bought it here!  

Me: When did you buy it?  

Customer: Last January.  

Me: So like a year ago?!?! 

Customer: I put in the freezer. I took it out three weeks ago to thaw out.  

Me: Ma’am, you can’t serve this tenderloin. You’ll make someone sick.  

Customer: But it’s Christmas! 

Do You Eat Meat?

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

(I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me)

Me: Okay. Is there something I can help you with?

Customer: I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes. 

Customer: He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably....

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.

(I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper.)

(She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me)

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

All Gown Up

CUSTOMER: (holding a package of ground veal) Is this pork?

ME: It's veal.

CUSTOMER: So.....lamb?

ME: Um...no. It's calf.

(Blank stare from the Customer)

ME: It's....ah....very young cow.

CUSTOMER: So like a baby.....cow?!

ME: Basically.

(She gives me a look of disgust and throws the veal down)

CUSTOMER: How can you be part of an industry that would do that to a baby?! I’ll just take ground beef.

Refrigerate After Opening

Customer: I bought a turkey a couple of days ago. I'm looking at your thermometer it says like 33. Does it have to stay at that temp?

Me: My cases run really cold. You don't have to do that; you just need to keep it refrigerated.

Customer: Crap. Really?

Me: Um....yes. It needs to be kept under refrigeration.

Customer: I've just had it sitting on my kitchen table.

Me: For two days!?

Customer: I put it in a freezer bag.

Marrow Removal Service

Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!

Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.

Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.

Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.

Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!

Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.

Customer: Then what is it?

Me: Um…the spinal cord.

Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?