Clean Tuna

Customer: I want tuna.

Me: Okay.

Customer: These ones could have touched the other fish. I want one from the back.

Me: Okay.

(I bring out a piece.)

Customer: No! That one is already open. I want to see you open it.

Me: Okay.

(I bring out a piece, still in the vacuum pack.)

Customer: No! I want to see you open the box.

Me: Okay.

(I bring out a box, open it, take out a vacuum pack, open it, and hand it to her.)

Customer: Thank you.

Other customer: Gee, I hope nobody mishandled that in the boat, at the packing plant, at the warehouse, or in the truck.

(The first customer looks mortified.)

A horse is a horse of course Of course

Customer: I’m making a German dish. Which of these cuts is closest to horse meat?

Get it together

Customer: I’ve been in here 4 times. There’s no meatloaf mix.

Me: I’m sorry. There’s a bunch of items we’re not getting in right now.

Customer: Are you sure you’re ordering it?

Me: I personally ordered it yesterday. The warehouse doesn’t have any.

Customer: Well, they need to get it together.

Mix up

Customer: You get any of the meatloaf mix in?

Me: No, sir. I’m sorry.

Customer: Are you sure they’re remembering to order it?

Me: We’re ordering it every truck, but our supply line isn’t back to 100% yet.

Customer: Why not? What’s going on?

Sausage Fest

Customer: Which sausage is the kind you use for breakfast? The Italian sausage? Or breakfast sausage?

Shoot yourself In The Foot

(The store has been opening an hour early so that senior citizens can shop.)

Customer: Why don’t you have any chickens?!

Me: My truck isn’t here yet.

Customer: You should get your trucks early!

Me: They used to come in at 5am, but the neighborhood complained about hearing the trucks. They threatened to stop shopping if we didn’t change it. Now they can’t come in before 8.

Customer: ….I remember voting in favor of that..

6-8

Customer: I want two 6oz sirloin fillets.

Me: I’ll have to cut them. Give me like five minutes.

(Later)

Me: Here are your fillets.

Customer: Are those 8oz?

Me: I thought you said 6oz.

Customer: Those are too small.

Me: I can cut them. Give me five more minutes.

Customer: (sigh) I guess.

Breast Guy

Customer: (on phone) You got any chicken?

Me: Yes! I finally got a truck in. How much do you need?

Customer: How much do you got?

Me: (sigh- sorry couldn’t help it) Sir, again, how much do you need?

Customer: Well, there’s six of us, so 40 breasts.

On a roll

Customer: I’ll trade you a roll of toilet paper for a chuck roast.

Cut! Cut!

Customer: I want you to cut me two 5oz ribeyes.

Me: I’ve got a couple of orders ahead of you. There are a few about that size out here in the case.

Customer: If I wanted the ones out there, I’d be out there!! I’m at the counter because I want you to cut them!

The grass is greener

Customer: Any of this fish grass fed?

Me: Um...no.

Customer: What about the chicken?

Me: Chicken don’t eat grass. I’ve got some grass fed beef.

Customer: That’ll work.

Say Cheese

Customer: (gesturing at the empty case) What time do you put out the seafood?

Me: The seafood department opens at 10. What did you need? I can get you whatever you wanted.

Customer: I want some cheese.

Me: Um...the deli is on the other side of the store. What did you need from the seafood department?

Customer: (walking away) Just the cheese.

Halfway there

Customer: I want that large ribeye in the front. Can you cut it in half?

Me: Yes, ma’am!

Customer: Do you understand what I mean when I say “cut in half?”

Me: Um...yes, ma’am.

Customer: In. Half.

Going Viral

Customer: Don’t see any lamb out here. 

Me: I’m sorry. We’re switching suppliers, so we’re having a hard time getting it in right now. 

Customer: Bet it’s because of all that. Nonsense in China. Coronavirus stuff. 

Me: I mean...all our lamb is domestic. 

Customer: Freaking China...

Hell in a Hand basket

Customer: Where’s your lamb chops?

Me: I’m sorry. We’re currently switching to a new supplier, so we haven’t been able to get any in for a few days. It should be back to normal in a couple of days.

Customer: This country is going to hell!

Choose your own adventure

Customer: I want steaks.

Me: Sure. What kind?

Customer: Angus.

Me: Everything in this case is angus beef. Which kind of steak did you want?

Customer: USDA Choice.

Me: All of this is choice. I meant did you want a ribeye? Or a strip? Or a fillet?

Customer: I want a steak.

Choosey

Customer: Two pieces of salmon.

Me: Which ones would you like?

Customer: Any of them.

(I grab 2)

Customer: No. Not those ones.

Me: Which ones do you want.

Customer: It doesn’t matter. Any of them.

Me: How about these?

Customer: No.

Me: I can grab you any one you like.

Customer: Oh, I don’t care. Any of them are fine.

Namaste

Me: Anything else I can get you? Customer: Just your love and guidance. Me: Um...okay...you got it!
Customer: Thank you.

Individual

Customer: I want three strip steaks, wrapped individually.

Me: Okay. Which ones?

Customer: 1, 3, and 5. Wrapped individually.

Me: Sure thing.

Customer: I want them wrapped individually.

Me: Okay.

Customer: Wrapped individually.

Me: Here’s the first one.

Customer: Wrapped individually.

Me: (wrapping the last one) Anything else?

Customer: Wrap those individually.

Are You Sure

Customer: Do y’all have any neck bones?

Me: No ma’am. We are all out. I do have some ham hocks.

Customer: (Pointing to where the neck bones normally are) Are there any over there?

Me: I’m sorry. There aren’t.

Customer: None in the back?

Me: No ma’am. I just checked for a customer. We’re all out

Customer: Ok... well this store BLOWS!