To Bacon, or Not To Bacon

(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)

Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!

Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want? 

Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound. 

(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.) 

(5 mins later, he comes back) 

Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.  

Me: Okay. 

(Ten minutes later, he comes back) 

Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon? 

Show and Smell

Customer: Can I smell the salmon?

Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.

Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.

Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Sound Of Silence

Me: Hi! How are you today?

(The Customer looks up at me, says nothing, then looks back down.)

Me: (10 seconds later) Can I get you anything today?

(Customer looks up at me then looks back down.)

Me: (10 seconds later) : Just let me know if you need anything.

(Looks up and down again)

(I walk away)

Customer: Come back! I need help.

Me: What can I get you?

(Customer looks up at me, says nothing, looks back down.)

(I stand there while she shops around. She leaves without saying anything.)

Anything Else?

Me: Here’s your shrimp. Anything else I can get you?

Customer: That’s it.

Me: Have a nice da-

Customer: I want some steaks. Two ribeyes.

Me: Anything else?

Customer: No.

Me: Have a-

Customer: Three pork chops.

Me: Okay. Is that all?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Here you go-

Customer: One salmon fillet.

Me: Sure. Will that complete your order?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Have-

Customer: I want chicken breasts.

Change My Mind

Customer: One pound of swordfish.

Me: Here ya go!

Customer: I read the sign wrong. I thought it was $5.99 not $15.99. Can I switch it out for the snapper?

Me: Sure. Here ya go.

Customer: I said snapper.

Me: That’s what I gave you.

Customer: (pointing) Snapper.

Me: That’s flounder. The signs are in front of the fish; that’s snapper behind the flounder.

Customer: I’ll do the flounder.

Me: Here ya go.

Customer: Wait. The flounder is way more expensive. I’ll take the snapper.

Me: Here ya go.

Snooze Button

Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.  

Me: What?  

Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.  

Me: I still don’t understand.  

Customer: Where is everything? You just get here? 

Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.  

Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.  

(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)  

Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.  

It’s A Long Story

(The Phone rings)  

Me: Meat department. How may I help you?  

Customer: I was in the store yesterday with my nephew. Last week I got some of those snow crab legs. They were so good. I ate them when my sister was over. She was so mad that I wouldn’t give her any, but they were mine! So I was in there yesterday with my nephew. I thought I’d sure like some more of those snow crab. So I had the guy behind the counter bag me up three pounds. Then I thought I should get some more. So I had him throw a few more in. I went home and cooked them. I had some rice with them. It was some of that wild rice. I thought it would match up with the snow crab. Sometimes I do potatoes with crab, but I really wanted rice. The crab turned out so dry.  

Me: I’m sorry—

Customer: Now I know how to cook crab. I’ve been cooking crab since I was a kid. My mother taught me how, I used to help her when I was younger. She’d bring home crab and say, “It’s time to cook up some crab!”, and I’d help her. This crab was so dry. I have never had crab that was this dry.  

Me: I’m sorry that— 

Customer: It was so dry. I want you to know that I cooked it just like I alway do. I didn’t change anything, except for the rice, like I told you. I used some old bay and some lemon like I always do. They were dry. I like crab, but this was dry. The rice was good, but the crab was dry. 

Me: (waiting a second to see if she was done) I’m sorry that happened.  

Customer : What can you do to take care of me? 

Me: I can’t do anything over the phone, but if you want to come in, we can give you a refund or some more crab for free.  

Customer: Normally, I’d take the crab, but it was so dry. I think I’ll wait a little bit before I get anymore. A refund would work. I could buy something else. I was thinking of getting a roast. I could use that money for that. I like a good roast and the weather is perfect for it.  

Me: Great. Well, come on in; we’ll take good care of you.  

Customer: This is the store in Summerville?  

Me: No, ma’am. This is the store downtown.  

Customer: Whoops! Never mind!  

 

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)  

 

Math

Customer: Can I get about $7 worth of shrimp.

(I grab a handful and throw it on the scale)

Me: That’s $7.57. Is that good? Or do you want me to take a few out?

Customer: Add four more. (As I add four more) I want it to be under $8.

Me: Um....well that’s $9.12.

Customer: Take out four.

Me: Okay. Here you go!

Customer: WAIT! How much is that?!

Me: It’s back to $7.57

Customer: Add three more.