I’ve Got Some Bad News

Intercom: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 20 MINUTES! PLEASE MAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS AND COME UP FRONT!

Customer: Wait. This store is 24 hours!

Me: Yes sir, but we close early on Thanksgiving.

Customer: Oh, god. I have to go get a turkey, some oysters, and some smoked neck bones!

Me: Um...Yeah. About that.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

Shady Oysters

Customer: Oysters?

Me: No ma'am. I don't have any oysters.

Customer: What about any in the shell? I can just shuck them.

Me : Sorry. I don't have any oysters.

Customer : How does that happen? I mean it's not like the oyster has gone extinct.

Me: I've just sold out. They're very popular this time of year.

Customer: That's shady practices. You engage in shady practices!

Last Thanksgiving

Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?

Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.

Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!

Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.

Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?

Customer: no. You've done enough.

Bribery

Customer: Hey, dude. I don't see any fresh turkeys. What do you have in the back?

Me: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have anything in the back. I'm all sold out.

Customer: Look, man. I get it. I used to work at Walmart when I was in high school. What do you really have in the back?

Me: I promise you, there's nothing in the back. I'm sold completely out.

Customer: ( gives me a wink) Alright. Alright. I get it. (He pulls out a $20 bill and does that snap thing with it) What do you have in the back now?

Me: Still nothing.

Customer: Oh, you're good. ( he pulls out a $10 bill and adds it to the $20) Eh?

Me: I'd love to take your money, but I really don't have anything to sell you.

Customer: Really?

Me: Really.

Customer: Damn. I really thought that would work.

Shitty Thanksgiving

Customer: Any bigger turkeys?

Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.

Customer: Nothing in the back?

Me: No.

Customer: could you check?

(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)

Me: That’s all I have.

Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty

Duck Is Not. Pheasant

Customer: Happy Thanksgiving.

Me: You too!

Customer: Thank you for working today.

Me: Oh, thanks. It’s not a bad shift to work.

Customer: I want to cook a pheasant for thanksgiving.

Me: I actually have some left. They’re frozen over here.

Customer: Oh, no sir. Frozen won’t work.

Me: I don’t carry them fresh. If you ran water on it, if could be thawed in a couple of hours.

Customer: No good! I’ve got people coming over now!

Me: Um....I do have a fresh duck, if you wanted something you could cook right now.

Customer: Young man, a duck is NOT a pheasant.

Mistaken Identity

Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?

Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.

(A few minutes later)

Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.

Me: Sure. What’s the name?

Customer: Johnson.

(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)

Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?

Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.

Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?

Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.

Discount

Customer: Yesterday, you had a ton of turkey legs over here. Where are they today.

Me: I’m all out, I’m afraid. Sorry.

Customer: You has so many yesterday!

Me: Yes, sir. But that was all I had. Once they sold, that was it.

Customer: I wish I had known that!!!! I didn’t buy them yesterday because I wanted my 5% senior citizen’s discount. That’s only on Thursday!!!!

Me: I’m really sorry.

Customer: (walking away) Fuuuuuuuuck.

Too Much Power

Customer: This is bullshit!

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: They make you work on Thanksgiving! You got family in town.

Me: I do.

Customer: That's fucked up. You should be there! Corporations have too much power. They shouldn't get in between you and your family.

Me: Thanks. It's not that bad. I get off around 2. Then I get to go to my family's place.

Customer: Fucked up, man.

(We stand in silence for a few seconds)

Me: Um....anything else?

Customer: Yeah. Can I get half a pound of salmon?

Newsworthy

Customer: Oysters?

Me: Hi! I’m unfortunately, out of oysters.

Customer: How is that possible.

Me: Well, we only get so many in.

Customer: You’re a goddamn grocery store.

Me: I’m really sorry, sir.

Customer: that’s false advertising!

Me: I’m very sorry.

Customer: Don’t be sorry. Fix it!

Me: There’s nothing I can do.

Customer: I can’t wait to call Live 5 and tell them about your bait and switch! You’re gonna be famous! FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!