Ice Ice Baby

Customer: I want a bag of ice.

(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)

Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.

(I turn to go get more ice.)

Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.

Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?

Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.

Southern Salmon

Customer: Where’s your local salmon?  

Me: We don’t get salmon from around here.  

Customer: Why the hell not?! 

Me: There isn’t salmon that comes from Charleston.  

Customer: You don’t know what you’re talking about!!  I’ve gotten Cooper River Salmon here before. The Cooper River is right out back! I mean, hello?

Me: We get Copper River Salmon from the Copper River in Alaska.  The season opens up next month.

Customer: You guys should label it better. 

Snooze Button

Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.  

Me: What?  

Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.  

Me: I still don’t understand.  

Customer: Where is everything? You just get here? 

Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.  

Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.  

(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)  

Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.  

Where’d I Lose You?

Customer: (staring at an empty counter with the lights turned out) Yo! Where’s your shrimp?  

Me: Well, sir, we don’t actually open for another 3 hours. I haven’t started setting seafood up yet. 

Customer: You got any fresh shrimp; I wanted a pound.  

Me: (Walking towards the back cooler) I haven’t started setting up yet, so I don’t know what I have in the back from last night. Let me go to the back and check for you. I should have some left.  

Customer: Damn, man! You can’t fucking go get me some?!? 

Me: Um...that’s what I’m doing. I just wanted to tell you that I had to check first. I don’t know what’s back there.  

Customer: You should open earlier. 

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

Shady Oysters

Customer: Oysters?

Me: No ma'am. I don't have any oysters.

Customer: What about any in the shell? I can just shuck them.

Me : Sorry. I don't have any oysters.

Customer : How does that happen? I mean it's not like the oyster has gone extinct.

Me: I've just sold out. They're very popular this time of year.

Customer: That's shady practices. You engage in shady practices!

Last Thanksgiving

Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?

Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.

Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!

Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.

Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?

Customer: no. You've done enough.

Bribery

Customer: Hey, dude. I don't see any fresh turkeys. What do you have in the back?

Me: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have anything in the back. I'm all sold out.

Customer: Look, man. I get it. I used to work at Walmart when I was in high school. What do you really have in the back?

Me: I promise you, there's nothing in the back. I'm sold completely out.

Customer: ( gives me a wink) Alright. Alright. I get it. (He pulls out a $20 bill and does that snap thing with it) What do you have in the back now?

Me: Still nothing.

Customer: Oh, you're good. ( he pulls out a $10 bill and adds it to the $20) Eh?

Me: I'd love to take your money, but I really don't have anything to sell you.

Customer: Really?

Me: Really.

Customer: Damn. I really thought that would work.

Shitty Thanksgiving

Customer: Any bigger turkeys?

Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.

Customer: Nothing in the back?

Me: No.

Customer: could you check?

(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)

Me: That’s all I have.

Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty

Duck Is Not. Pheasant

Customer: Happy Thanksgiving.

Me: You too!

Customer: Thank you for working today.

Me: Oh, thanks. It’s not a bad shift to work.

Customer: I want to cook a pheasant for thanksgiving.

Me: I actually have some left. They’re frozen over here.

Customer: Oh, no sir. Frozen won’t work.

Me: I don’t carry them fresh. If you ran water on it, if could be thawed in a couple of hours.

Customer: No good! I’ve got people coming over now!

Me: Um....I do have a fresh duck, if you wanted something you could cook right now.

Customer: Young man, a duck is NOT a pheasant.

Mistaken Identity

Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?

Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.

(A few minutes later)

Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.

Me: Sure. What’s the name?

Customer: Johnson.

(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)

Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?

Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.

Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?

Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.

Discount

Customer: Yesterday, you had a ton of turkey legs over here. Where are they today.

Me: I’m all out, I’m afraid. Sorry.

Customer: You has so many yesterday!

Me: Yes, sir. But that was all I had. Once they sold, that was it.

Customer: I wish I had known that!!!! I didn’t buy them yesterday because I wanted my 5% senior citizen’s discount. That’s only on Thursday!!!!

Me: I’m really sorry.

Customer: (walking away) Fuuuuuuuuck.