To Bacon, or Not To Bacon

(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)

Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!

Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want? 

Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound. 

(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.) 

(5 mins later, he comes back) 

Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.  

Me: Okay. 

(Ten minutes later, he comes back) 

Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon? 

Ice Ice Baby

Customer: I want a bag of ice.

(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)

Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.

(I turn to go get more ice.)

Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.

Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?

Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.

Southern Salmon

Customer: Where’s your local salmon?  

Me: We don’t get salmon from around here.  

Customer: Why the hell not?! 

Me: There isn’t salmon that comes from Charleston.  

Customer: You don’t know what you’re talking about!!  I’ve gotten Cooper River Salmon here before. The Cooper River is right out back! I mean, hello?

Me: We get Copper River Salmon from the Copper River in Alaska.  The season opens up next month.

Customer: You guys should label it better. 

Snooze Button

Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.  

Me: What?  

Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.  

Me: I still don’t understand.  

Customer: Where is everything? You just get here? 

Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.  

Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.  

(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)  

Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.  

Where’d I Lose You?

Customer: (staring at an empty counter with the lights turned out) Yo! Where’s your shrimp?  

Me: Well, sir, we don’t actually open for another 3 hours. I haven’t started setting seafood up yet. 

Customer: You got any fresh shrimp; I wanted a pound.  

Me: (Walking towards the back cooler) I haven’t started setting up yet, so I don’t know what I have in the back from last night. Let me go to the back and check for you. I should have some left.  

Customer: Damn, man! You can’t fucking go get me some?!? 

Me: Um...that’s what I’m doing. I just wanted to tell you that I had to check first. I don’t know what’s back there.  

Customer: You should open earlier. 

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

Shady Oysters

Customer: Oysters?

Me: No ma'am. I don't have any oysters.

Customer: What about any in the shell? I can just shuck them.

Me : Sorry. I don't have any oysters.

Customer : How does that happen? I mean it's not like the oyster has gone extinct.

Me: I've just sold out. They're very popular this time of year.

Customer: That's shady practices. You engage in shady practices!

Last Thanksgiving

Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?

Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.

Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!

Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.

Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?

Customer: no. You've done enough.

Bribery

Customer: Hey, dude. I don't see any fresh turkeys. What do you have in the back?

Me: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have anything in the back. I'm all sold out.

Customer: Look, man. I get it. I used to work at Walmart when I was in high school. What do you really have in the back?

Me: I promise you, there's nothing in the back. I'm sold completely out.

Customer: ( gives me a wink) Alright. Alright. I get it. (He pulls out a $20 bill and does that snap thing with it) What do you have in the back now?

Me: Still nothing.

Customer: Oh, you're good. ( he pulls out a $10 bill and adds it to the $20) Eh?

Me: I'd love to take your money, but I really don't have anything to sell you.

Customer: Really?

Me: Really.

Customer: Damn. I really thought that would work.