Chief

(The city has been shit down because of a snowstorm.)

Customer: Is that everything you got out there?

Me: Yes, sir. We…..

Customer: What the hell happened? I mean what’s the big deal?!

Me: Well, we haven’t gotten a truck in 3 days. I’ve got a truck coming in today, but I don’t know when to expect it. It could be any minute or it could be tonight. 

Customer: That’s shit. The roads are fine, chief!

(He storms away before I can tell him our trucks come from NC)

Ice Ice Baby

Customer: I want a bag of ice.

(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)

Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.

(I turn to go get more ice.)

Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.

Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?

Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.

Focus

Customer: Can I have a little over a pound and a half of hamburger?  

Me: Sure thing. 

Customer: How much was that?  

Me: 1.65 lbs.  

Customer: That’s a lot. Take out a pound. I just  want a little over half a pound. 

Me: Okay.  

Customer: You need to focus a bit more. There’s no way I could eat that by myself. 

Me: I didn’t know you wanted one serving.  

Customer: First day? 

Wash Day

Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.  

Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.  

Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.  

Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!  

Customer: Whatever, Asshole!  

(They slam the phone down)