Snooze Button

Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.  

Me: What?  

Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.  

Me: I still don’t understand.  

Customer: Where is everything? You just get here? 

Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.  

Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.  

(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)  

Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.  

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)  

 

Mistaken Identity

Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?

Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.

(A few minutes later)

Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.

Me: Sure. What’s the name?

Customer: Johnson.

(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)

Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?

Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.

Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?

Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.

Stake Out

 (The phone rings)

Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?

Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.

Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?

Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?

Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?

Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.

Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.

The Real Housewives Of The Butcher’s Counter

Customer: I want a pound of shrimp!

Me: Yes, sir.

Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.

Me: Um...yes, sir.

(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)

Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...

(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)

Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned...

Me: Here's your shrimp.

(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)

Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....

(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)

Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..

(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)