Customer: I don’t need anything. My husband has been stealing steaks from you guys for awhile. I just found out he’s cheating on me. Here’s his Facebook. This is what he looks like. I want you guys to arrest him next time he comes in.
(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)
(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )
Me: Um…excuse me.
Customer: Aww man! You saw that?
Me: Yes. I did.
(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )
Me: I don’t want to touch that!
Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.
Customer: I want to put these shrimp in an Alfredo sauce. Would they work?
Me: Of course!
Customer: Could I use these clams too? I’ve never cooked clams before.
(I spend a few minutes explaining to him how to cook them, what else to add to the sauce, etc. I take him over to the spice aisle and get him everything he needs)
Customer: Thanks, man!
Me: Have a good day!
(Five minutes later the Customer Service Clerk walks back)
Clerk: Did you help the guy with the seafood and all the sauces and stuff?
Me: I did.
Clerk: He shoved all that stuff into his book bag and left without paying.