I’ll Give You A Tip

Customer: I’ll take three of those rib steaks.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. Coming right up!  

Customer: Can you season them?  

Me: All I’ve got is Montreal seasoning. That okay?  

Customer: Yes please!  

(I season then and pack them up )  

Me: Here you go!  

Customer: (Forcing a $10 bill into my hand) Thanks. Merry Christmas!  

Me: Oh, you don’t have to do that. All I did was put some seasoning on it.  

Customer: It’s Christmas Eve. If I can’t tip you now, when can I. You can either take it, or I’m dropping it on the floor and some random person is getting it.  

Me: (accepting the tip) Thank you. Merry Christmas.  

Customer: That’s more like it. Merry Christmas!  

Annie, Are You Okay

Customer: (on phone) So if you could hold that turkey for me, I’ll be in the store in a few hours. 

Me: Sure thing, ma’am. I just need your name.  

Customer: It’s Annie.  Spelled A-N-N-I-E

Me: I’ll have it waiting for you.  

Customer: Great. The name is Annie.  

Me: Got it. That’s actually my niece’s name- 

Customer: A-N-N-I-E

Me: I’ll see you when you get here. 

Customer: Make sure you hold it in the back. Name’s Annie. A-N-N-I-E 

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Last Minute Shopping

Customer : Andy, I think it's bullshit that you're closed tomorrow.

Me: Why is that, Joe?

Customer : You got to think about tourists. They would come in here looking for food. If you're closed, they'll have to go to a restaurant. Then they're pissed and they won't spend money at my store.

Me: What is it you sell again?

Customer : I sell toys at the market.

Me: you expecting a lot of toy business on Christmas day?

Customer : Well, now I'm not.

Ground Beef

Customer: I’d like a rib roast with out any bones.  

Me: So a bone in rib roast with the bones cut off.  

Customer: No. I don’t want there to be any bones.  

Me: Well, I can give you a bones ribeye roast, but it’s more expensive that way. It works out to be cheaper if you buy the bone in one and I cut it off. Plus you can keep the back ribs I cut off.  

Customer: I don’t want there to have been any bones....like ever. 

Me: I don’t understand.  

Customer: I read that up north they’re raising cattle with no bones.  

Me: I don’t think I’ve heard of that.  

Customer: I read an internet article.  

Can You Be More Specific

Customer: I need to put in an order for some fondue meat. 

Me: Sure thing! How much are you looking to get?  

Customer: A lot!  

Me: Um...okay. How much is that?  

(Blank Stare)  

Me: How many people are you  serving?  

Customer: A bunch!  

Me: If you tell me a rough estimate, I can figure out how much you need. Roughly, 8oz is a serving size.  

(Blank Stare)  

Customer’s Wife: Jesus, Ed. It’s not that hard. We’re serving 7 people for Christmas.  

Me: Okay. I can do that! When would you like to pick it up?  

Customer: The 21st, the 22nd, or the 23rd. Or maybe I’ll come in on the 24th! I’ll let you know when I show up!! 

 

 

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)  

 

The Tenderloin of Christmas Past

Coworker: This customer brought this tenderloin back for us to trim.  

Me: We’re really not supposed to do that once it’s left the store.  

Coworker: I already told her yes.  

Me: Okay.  

(I open the tenderloin and start trying to trim it. It starts  disintegrating in my hands; practically turning into water)  

(I look at the date on the wrapper. I can barely make out 1/12) 

Me: Um....there’s something wrong with your tenderloin.  

Customer: I bought it here!  

Me: When did you buy it?  

Customer: Last January.  

Me: So like a year ago?!?! 

Customer: I put in the freezer. I took it out three weeks ago to thaw out.  

Me: Ma’am, you can’t serve this tenderloin. You’ll make someone sick.  

Customer: But it’s Christmas! 

I’ve Got Some Bad News

Intercom: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 20 MINUTES! PLEASE MAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS AND COME UP FRONT!

Customer: Wait. This store is 24 hours!

Me: Yes sir, but we close early on Thanksgiving.

Customer: Oh, god. I have to go get a turkey, some oysters, and some smoked neck bones!

Me: Um...Yeah. About that.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

Shady Oysters

Customer: Oysters?

Me: No ma'am. I don't have any oysters.

Customer: What about any in the shell? I can just shuck them.

Me : Sorry. I don't have any oysters.

Customer : How does that happen? I mean it's not like the oyster has gone extinct.

Me: I've just sold out. They're very popular this time of year.

Customer: That's shady practices. You engage in shady practices!

Last Thanksgiving

Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?

Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.

Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!

Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.

Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?

Customer: no. You've done enough.