Customer: I want to make beef stew. Is this what I need? The...(reading package label)... beef stew meat? Is that what you use to make beef stew?
Customer: (pointing to the swordfish that is labeled “swordfish.”) I’ll take the smallest piece of tuna.
Me: That’s swordfish. I’m out of tuna.
Customer: OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, I can’t cook that!! I ruin it every time!!
(He hurriedly walks away)
Customer: What type of meat should I use to make brisket?
Me: I sell briskets right here.
Customer: And that’s what you use to make brisket?
Customer: You’re sure?
Customer: All this meat looks raw.
Me: Um…it is raw.
Customer: Can you cook it?
Me: I don’t really have a way to do that.
Customer: What type of restaurant is this?!
Me: It’s a grocery store.
Customer: Still. Come on!
Me: Here are your crab legs.
Customer: Can you fill the bag with hot water? I want to eat them in my car.
Me: I have a steamer I can throw them in, if you want.
Customer: What?!? That’s crazy!!!! Just fill the bag with warm water. I’ll dump it outside.
Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.
Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.
Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.
Me: Well, you have to thaw it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. )
Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
Customer: Is it possible for me to thaw this turkey quickly.
Me: Not that big one. You could do a smaller one in maybe 2 hours. You have to put it in water and completely change out the water every 15 minutes.
Customer: (Throwing a peace sign) Forget that! I don't have that kind of time! We getting pizza today
Customer: Are these shrimp cooked?
Me: No, ma'am. They're completely raw.
Customer: Okay......do I need to cook them?
Me: I'd recommend it.
Customer: What do you put on your steaks to make it red?
Me: We don’t put anything on it.
Customer: Why is it so red?
Me: It turns red when it reacts with the air.
Customer: When I get meat in restaurants, it’s brown.
Me: It turns brown when you cook it.
(He looks at me skeptically)
Customer: Are you sure? I don’t think so.
Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!
Me: How did you cook it?
Customer: Cook it?
Me: Um....yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?
(She just walks away.)
Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?
Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.
Customer: So it’s not tender?
Me: Not really. I....
Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!
(She turns and walks away)
(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)
Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.
(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)
Customer: I was looking for peeled and deveined shrimp. I’m making shrimp creole.
Me: I’ve got some peeled and deveined shrimp right here.
Customer: I don’t want cooked. I want to make shrimp creole.
Me: They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
Customer: (sigh) I’m craving shrimp creole. I was gonna make some.
Me: Um....would you like some of these?
Customer: Show me what half a pound looks like. I want them for shrimp creole.
(I bag up half a pound)
Me: This is half a pound.
Customer: They’re so big. I want them for shrimp creole. How about these smaller ones. Give me half a pound.
(I bag up the smaller shrimp)
Me: Anything else?
Customer: (taking the shrimp) I’m making shrimp creole.
Customer: What is this crab cake made of? Does it have blue crab in it?
Me: (double checking the sign in front) Um...those aren’t crab cakes. There cod cakes.
Customer: (reading sign that does indeed say “Cod Cakes”) Oh......what type of crab is cod?
Me: Cod is a fish.
Customer: (blank stare)
Me: Its a mild flakey fish.
Customer: Are they good?
Me: Yes, ma’am. They have a lot of dill in them, but I really like them.
Customer: What’s a dill?
Me: Um......a spice.
Customer: I think I’ll just get some crab cakes.
(Guy comes to the meat counter, orders a top sirloin fillet.)
Me: Here’s your steak!
Customer: Great. I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?
Me: Uhhh….no. To dry age something you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.
Customer: So if it wasn’t dry aging, what was it doing?
Customer: Oh. (long pause) I guess I should eat this soon.
Me: I would.