Oven Ready

Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.  

Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.  

Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.  

Me: Well, you have to thaw it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready. 

(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. ) 

Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.  

Customer: That’s not oven ready.  

Tenderness

Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?

Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.

Customer: So it’s not tender?

Me: Not really. I....

Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!

(She turns and walks away)

(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)

Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.

(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)

Wonder What She’s Making

Customer: I was looking for peeled and deveined shrimp. I’m making shrimp creole.

Me: I’ve got some peeled and deveined shrimp right here.

Customer: I don’t want cooked. I want to make shrimp creole.

Me: They’re not cooked. They’re raw.

Customer: (sigh) I’m craving shrimp creole. I was gonna make some.

Me: Um....would you like some of these?

Customer: Show me what half a pound looks like. I want them for shrimp creole.

(I bag up half a pound)

Me: This is half a pound.

Customer: They’re so big. I want them for shrimp creole. How about these smaller ones. Give me half a pound.

(I bag up the smaller shrimp)

Me: Anything else?

Customer: (taking the shrimp) I’m making shrimp creole.

For The Love of Cod

Customer: What is this crab cake made of? Does it have blue crab in it?

Me: (double checking the sign in front) Um...those aren’t crab cakes. There cod cakes.

Customer: (reading sign that does indeed say “Cod Cakes”) Oh......what type of crab is cod?

Me: Cod is a fish.

Customer: (blank stare)

Me: Its a mild flakey fish.

Customer: Are they good?

Me: Yes, ma’am. They have a lot of dill in them, but I really like them.

Customer: What’s a dill?

Me: Um......a spice.

(Blank stare)

Customer: I think I’ll just get some crab cakes.

Dry Aged

(Guy comes to the meat counter, orders a top sirloin fillet.)

Me: Here’s your steak!

Customer: Great. I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?

Me: Uhhh….no. To dry age something you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.

Customer: So if it wasn’t dry aging, what was it doing?

Me: Um…..decomposing?

Customer: Oh. (long pause) I guess I should eat this soon. 

Me: I would.