Bow wow!
Customer: I need an 8 pound rib roast cut in half. I need 4 pounds for me and 4 pounds for my German Shepard. Can I get the angus? Max won’t eat anything else.
Just the two of us
Customer: How much do you think that rib roast will feed?
Me: About 10-12 people.
Customer: (to her husband) I don’t know if that will be enough.
Me: How many people are you trying to feed?
Customer: It’s just the two of us.
Frankenturkey
Customer: I’m only having a few people over for Thanksgiving. I don’t need a whole turkey. I just want two wings, two thighs, two drumsticks, and one breast.
Me: Congratulations! You just built yourself a Turkey!
Customer: I did...yeah... can I change my order to one whole turkey?
The Leftovers
Customer: Can you break this pack of cube steak down? I only need 2/3 of a pound.
Me: No problem!
Me: Here ya go. It’s .68 of a pound.
Customer: I wanted 2/3 of a pound. Me: 2/3 is .66, this is .68.
Customer: (looks disappointed and shrugs) That’s okay. I guess we’ll just have leftovers.
3-1=Done
Customer: I’d like three whole salmons.
Me: Sure, you mean three sides?
Customer: No. three 8 oz pieces.
Me: These are all 8oz. Which one would you like?
Customer: This one.
(I grab it and wait for her to pick out the other two. She stares at me for awhile.)
Me: Which other one do you want?
Customer: I only want the one.
SHABOBS
Customer: Y’all got anymore meat than this?
Me: Yeah. There’s a whole counter...
Customer: We’re making SHABOBS! What kinda meat should we use?
Me: Well, we use...
Customer: SHABOBS! What meat?
Me: We use sirloin for our kabobs.
Customer: SHABOBS! Which meat?
Me: We use sirloin right here. (I put my hand on the package.”
Customer: I DON’T SEE ANY HERE! Is this ALL THE MEAT Y’ALL GOT?!
Me: Right here is the sirloin
(He loudly argues with his wife, grabs 5 packs of hamburgers and leaves)
Math Class
Customer: How much is that shrimp?
Me: $4.99 a pound.
Customer: Two pounds.
(I bag it)
Customer: How much was that?
Me: $9.98
Customer: I only want $7 worth.
I Hear Ya
Customer: Do you have the little tubs of lump crab meat?
Me: No, ma’am. Right now all I have is the cans of claw crab meat.
Customer: Are you sure you don’t have the cans of lump crab meat?
Me: Sorry. All I have is claw crab meat.
Customer: I heard you the first time!! Do you have the containers of lump crab meat?
This One
Customer: What’s in this crab cake?
Me: Which kind are you looking at?
Customer: This one.
Me: I can’t see through the case to where you’re pointing. Which one?
Customer: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN YOUR CRAB CAKES?!
Me: They all have different recipes and I can’t see which one you’re pointing to. There’s a sign on the front. Which kind?
Customer: This one.
Wiper
(Customer comes to the counter.)
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I’m gonna get some steaks.
Me: Cool. What can I get you?
(He wipes the sweat from his head with a dirty rag. He then uses the same rag to wipe the front of the case.)
Big Spender
Customer: I’d like some tuna.
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: I want to tell you which ones I want. I make over $100,000; I choose what I buy.
Me: That’s usually how this works.
Target Practice
(A customer walks by pushing a red Target shopping cart.)
Customer: You never have any damn buggies.
(He walks away.)
Don’t be a wuss
Customer: Where’s your organic chicken?
Me: Right down here, second shelf.
(A Father and Son are in line behind her)
Son: Dad, what’s organic?
Father: It’s something women and wusses eat.
Twice Cooked
Customer: Can I have one pound of the cooked lobster claws?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: Are those cooked?
Eat local
Customer: Where are you getting your shrimp?
Me: It’s coming from Wadmalaw Island. (Which is about 18 miles away)
Customer: Ugh! No thanks! I only like local shrimp! Me: Well, it is local-
Customer: (Walking away) It’s ridiculous you can’t get any LOCAL shrimp these days!
Any fresher and it would be grazing
Customer: Do you have any veal chops?
Me: Some just came in on my truck like 5 minutes ago. Let me see if I can find it.
Me: (opening a new box) Here you go!
Customer: How fresh is it?
Grass Fed
Customer: (holding a package of clearly labeled plant-based meatballs) What type of meat is this? Like is it beef?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s plant based.
Customer: ...so like grass?
Which one?
Customer: Is it possible for me to get some of the bacon you keep in the case?
Me: Sure thing!
Customer: It’s the hickory smoked.
Me: I’ve got it here.
Customer: The one that’s cut about this thick.
Me: How much do you need?
Customer: It’s like $4.99 a lb.
Me: Yep. I’ve got it.
Customer: There’s the sign for it.
Me: Yes. How much?
Customer: It’s hickory smoked.
Blame Game
Customer: Do you have any more of the grass fed ground beef?
Me: No, ma’am. I’m sorry. The plant we get our ground beef from had to temporarily close because several people tested positive.
Customer: You guys can’t blame Covid forever!!! That’s bullshit!!
Clean Tuna
Customer: I want tuna.
Me: Okay.
Customer: These ones could have touched the other fish. I want one from the back.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece.)
Customer: No! That one is already open. I want to see you open it.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a piece, still in the vacuum pack.)
Customer: No! I want to see you open the box.
Me: Okay.
(I bring out a box, open it, take out a vacuum pack, open it, and hand it to her.)
Customer: Thank you.
Other customer: Gee, I hope nobody mishandled that in the boat, at the packing plant, at the warehouse, or in the truck.
(The first customer looks mortified.)