Buy Local

Customer: This is crap! Look at this! This is disgraceful!

Me: Um..I’m sorry?

Customer: Look at all this FARM RAISED SHRIMP!!! Imported from Asia! This company should be ashamed of itself. What about wild caught local shrimp. This is disgusting!

Me: I have wild caught shrimp right here. It’s wild caught from Georgia. We haven’t started getting local shrimp yet, but this is fresh and wild caught.

(He stares at the shrimp and the $10.99 price tag.)

Customer: (After a few seconds) I’ll take a pound of the $6.99 shrimp.

Me: Yes sir.

(I get him a pound of the farm raised $6.99lb shrimp from Thailand.)

Fire Sale

 (While working the counter, I smell smoke. I check around and find out that the chicken case has caught on fire.)

(I yell for the guy I'm working with. He grabs a fire extinguisher and I start moving stuff in the case so we can get to the growing electrical fire. )

(A customer approaches. He sees this: I'm holding up a shelf so that my coworker can get the extinguisher close to the VISIBLE FLAMES.)

Customer: Do you guys have anymore hams?

Me: Yeah. I'll get them after we take care of this.

Customer: (agitated) Is there anyone else that can help me?

Me: No. Is just us. I'll get them as soon as the fire is out.

Customer: Could you hurry?

Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign

 (The Customer Service Clerk walks back with a Customer)

Customer: See. That pack of chicken should be $2.99. Look at the sign.

Customer Service Clerk: That sign means it $2.99 a pound.

Customer: Oh...uh....well...it's not very clear.

Customer Service Clerk: It says per pound. The "lb" is right beside the price.

Customer: Yeah...well....I'm not used to that. That's not the way you guys normally do it.

Customer Service Clerk: Excuse me. Did you guys just start using these signs?

Me: I mean, those are the same type of signs we've had the entire time I've worked here.

Customer: Yeah, but how long has this guy worked here? That's not saying much.

Me: Ive been here for awhile. It will be 19 years in July.

Customer: The sign is dumb.

Glutton for Gluten

Customer: Is there gluten in these crab cakes?

Me: It doesn't say "gluten free," so it's likely.

Customer: Trying to eat gluten free is really hard.

Me: Yeah, my mom had issues with gluten and she says the same thing.

Customer : You know, it's she had issues with gluten, then you probably have issues with gluten too.

Me: Um. .. yeah. It's probably coming...

Customer: You already have it That's where this (pointing at my stomach and indicating the size) comes from.

Me: So anything else I can help you with?

One Word... Plastics

Customer: Where are your briskets?

Me: Right here!

Customer: That can't be right.

Me: What's wrong?

Customer: (looking at the vacuum packed Brisket and the vacuum packed eye of round beside it) No. No. No. No.

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: Does all of your meat come like this?

Me: Like what?

Customer: In.....plastic?!?

Me: Um.....yes. All of our meat comes vacuum packed in plastic.

Customer: I don't think you can do that! That's not safe!

Me: Vacuum packaging ensures.....

Customer: I don't care about the vacuuming packaging...I care about the....the....plastic.

Me: It kinda has to be plastic if you want to seal out all of the air.

Customer: Well, maybe you should only get in what you need. Like one piece of the cow at a time.

No Bones About It

​Customer: I'd like a pound of shrimp.

Me: No problem.

Customer: These shrimp are boneless, right?

Me: Um.....yes. There are no bones in the shrimp.

Customer: (placing his hand on the counter) I'm serious, dude, there better not be any bones in these damn shrimp.

Me: Shrimp don't have bones, sir.

Customer: Look, man. I'm feeding these shrimp to a kid. I. Don't. Want. There. To. Be. Any. Bones.

Me: I 100% guarantee there aren't any bones in this shrimp.

Customer: Alrighty.

For The Love of Cod

Customer: What is this crab cake made of? Does it have blue crab in it?

Me: (double checking the sign in front) Um...those aren’t crab cakes. There cod cakes.

Customer: (reading sign that does indeed say “Cod Cakes”) Oh......what type of crab is cod?

Me: Cod is a fish.

Customer: (blank stare)

Me: Its a mild flakey fish.

Customer: Are they good?

Me: Yes, ma’am. They have a lot of dill in them, but I really like them.

Customer: What’s a dill?

Me: Um......a spice.

(Blank stare)

Customer: I think I’ll just get some crab cakes.

Let Me Count The Ways

Customer : You’re r lying to your customers. That sign says there are 51- 60 shrimp in a pound.  Those shrimp aren't 51/60 count.

Me: Uh....yes, ma'am they are. I can show you the box.

Customer: They're too big to be 51/60s. You're telling me 60 of those would make a pound? You're lying.

(I count out 15 shrimp and weigh them)

Me: That's 15. It's about a quarter of a pound. So four of those would be about a 60 shrimp.

Customer : Look, I'm a local. I go shrimping. There's no way there 50 or 60 of those in a pound.

(I count out 50, throw out on the scale, it's a little shy of a pound. I put on 8 more. It's now a pound)

Me: That's 58. A pound on the dot.

Customer: Wow. I could have sworn it wasn't that much.

Me: How much did you want?

Customer: Oh, I don't want any. (Walks away)

 

Dry Aged

(Guy comes to the meat counter, orders a top sirloin fillet.)

Me: Here’s your steak!

Customer: Great. I’ve been leaving this in my refrigerator for 2-3 weeks. It gets green and slimy. That’s dry-aging, right?

Me: Uhhh….no. To dry age something you need to control the humidity. That’s hard to do in a refrigerator.

Customer: So if it wasn’t dry aging, what was it doing?

Me: Um…..decomposing?

Customer: Oh. (long pause) I guess I should eat this soon. 

Me: I would.