Stake Out

 (The phone rings)

Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?

Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.

Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?

Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?

Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?

Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.

Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.

Do You Eat Meat?

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

(I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me)

Me: Okay. Is there something I can help you with?

Customer: I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes. 

Customer: He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably....

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.

(I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper.)

(She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me)

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Get To The Point

 (The phone rings.)

Me: Meat department. How may I help you?

Customer: Lobster Tails!

Me: Um...yes....we have lobster tails.

Customer: Price!

Me: $2.97 each.

(They hang up)

The Real Housewives Of The Butcher’s Counter

Customer: I want a pound of shrimp!

Me: Yes, sir.

Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.

Me: Um...yes, sir.

(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)

Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...

(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)

Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned...

Me: Here's your shrimp.

(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)

Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....

(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)

Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..

(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)

All Gown Up

CUSTOMER: (holding a package of ground veal) Is this pork?

ME: It's veal.

CUSTOMER: So.....lamb?

ME: Um...no. It's calf.

(Blank stare from the Customer)

ME: It's....ah....very young cow.

CUSTOMER: So like a baby.....cow?!

ME: Basically.

(She gives me a look of disgust and throws the veal down)

CUSTOMER: How can you be part of an industry that would do that to a baby?! I’ll just take ground beef.

Rare Shrimp

Customer: Are these shrimp cooked?

Me: No, ma'am. They're completely raw.

Customer: Okay......do I need to cook them?

Me: I'd recommend it.

Refrigerate After Opening

Customer: I bought a turkey a couple of days ago. I'm looking at your thermometer it says like 33. Does it have to stay at that temp?

Me: My cases run really cold. You don't have to do that; you just need to keep it refrigerated.

Customer: Crap. Really?

Me: Um....yes. It needs to be kept under refrigeration.

Customer: I've just had it sitting on my kitchen table.

Me: For two days!?

Customer: I put it in a freezer bag.

Started At The Bottom Now We’re Here

Customer: Give me the third one from the top.

Me: Which fish are you wanting. I can’t see where you’re pointing from here.

Customer: Salmon!

(I grab the third salmon from the top)

Customer: TOP!

(I reach down at the bottom of the case)

Me: You mean this one at the bottom?

Customer: I guess you would call that the bottom.

A Large One

Me: How can I help you?

Customer: I want a large one.

Me: A large what?

Customer: (Eye roll) Not. A. Small. Sized. One.

Me: I meant what did you want? You haven’t told me what type of fish.

Customer: (2nd eye roll) Jesus. Salmon!

Freshly Stormed

Customer: You got any fresh swordfish?

Me: No, sir. We haven’t gotten a fresh seafood shipment since the storm. I’ll be getting fresh stuff in tomorrow. I do have some frozen swordfish right here.

Customer: I don’t do frozen.

Me: I’m sorry. That’s all I have.

Customer: Jeez! (Eye roll)

Unprofessional

Customer: (looking at the near empty case) What happened? You guys waiting on a truck?

Me: Yes, sir. It’s on its way, but we don’t know when it’s going to get here.

Customer: That’s really unprofessional.

Comrades

Customer: What happened out here? It looks like Russia.

Me: We haven’t had a truck in 3 days and…..

(She shakes her head and walks away.)

What Happened?

Customer: You got any standing rib roasts?

Me: I don't have any with the bone in. I could do boneless.

Customer: Boneless? Well, that's pointless.

Me: I hear ya!

Customer: You sure don't have much today, do you?

Last Resort

 (I'm walking up to the store. There's plywood on the windows, the lights are off, we are not open yet)

(Two guys in a BMW pull up, blaring Papa Roach music)

Customer: You guys aren't open.

Me: No. We have to go through a little before we're ready to serve customers.

Customer: Great! Where am I supposed to get my Starbucks?!

(they speed away, tires literally squealing)

No way, Hosana

Customer: Do you have any chicken wings?

(The entire meat case is empty. I'm working out of three carts to fill the two foot section I'm standing at)

Me: I don't know, yet. We're still working on figuring out what we have and what survived the storm. I won't know for a while.

Customer: (pointing to an item in my cart. ) What's that?

Me: Corned beef.

Customer: That's just what I wanted.

(She picks it up)

Customer: How much is it?

Me: There's a price tag on it.

Customer: Full price?

Me: Yes, ma'am.

Customer: (Throwing it back into the counter, not the cart she got it out of) I'm not paying full price. Uh uh. No I'm not, Hosana.

Storm Chops

Customer: Got any thicker pork chops?

Me: No, sir. I've already cut everything I had.

Customer: How can you be out of them?

Me: We didn't have much after the storm.

Customer: You should have ordered more. You know, life doesn't end just because there's a hurricane. It's ridiculous that I can't get the thick pork chops that I want.

Under Glass

Customer: I want some tenderloin steaks!

Me: I just cut some. They're in the counter.

Customers: I like the ones I pick out under the glass.

Me: I just cut those 30 mins ago. We're not setting up the "under the glass" stuff today. We're trying to get set back up after the hurricane.

Customer: I don't buy my steaks out of a pack. When the hell will the glass be set up?

Me: Probably not until tomorrow.

Customer: Fan-fucking-tastic

Getting Fresh

Customer: What time is your truck getting here tomorrow?

Me: They actually just told us we aren’t getting a truck tomorrow. This is everything we’ll have for the next few days.

Customer: But....but....but what if I want something fresher than all of this?

Never Thought About That

Customer: You guys will probably be open throughout the storm, right?

Me: Um....I imagine we'll close at some point.

Customer: Why?

Me: I mean, people have families and houses to be with.

Customer: Oh. I guess I never thought that about you guys.

Hurricane Essentials

Because of the storm, the lines are backed up to where I can see them from the meat department.

People are waiting in line for 45 mins- 1 hour.

A guy is standing in line, holding a bag of chips (single serving kind), a pumpkin (small, prepainted to look like a witch) and a sprite (8oz).