Wild At Heart

Customer: Do you have any wild caught salmon?

Me: Yes, I do. Right here. Some WILD CAUGHT sockeye salmon.

Customer: Ehhh...sockeye? Is that all you have?

Me: Yeah. When it's out of season, the only WILD salmon I can get is sockeye. It's really good, though. Sockeye is some of the best WILD CAUGHT salmon.

Customer: Okay. I'll take a pound.

(I give it to her. She turns and walks away. Then she runs back over)

Customer: Wait. This is wild salmon, right?

Me: Yeah. It's still wild.

Customer: Great. Thanks!

Mom & Pop Operation

 (Phone Rings)

Me: Meat department. How may I help you?

Customer: I want to speak to the owner.

Me: Of the store? Ma’am, we’re owned by a company. I can get a manager for you.

Customer: I’ll call back later!

(She immediately hangs up)

So Far Away

Customer: Is this where you make sandwiches?

Me: No that's in the deli on the other side....

Customer: Of the STORE?!?

Me: Um...yeah... on the other side of the store.

Math

Customer: Can I get about $7 worth of shrimp.

(I grab a handful and throw it on the scale)

Me: That’s $7.57. Is that good? Or do you want me to take a few out?

Customer: Add four more. (As I add four more) I want it to be under $8.

Me: Um....well that’s $9.12.

Customer: Take out four.

Me: Okay. Here you go!

Customer: WAIT! How much is that?!

Me: It’s back to $7.57

Customer: Add three more.

That’s Weirdly Specific

Customer : Can you cut up this sirloin for me?

Me: Absolutely. How big do you want it?

Customer: Can you cut out to the size of cat food?

Me: ......yes. Yes I can.

Please Try Your Call Again

Me: Hi! How can I help you?

Customer: I’M ON THE PHONE!!

Me: Sorry.

(I go back to work )

Customer: (As soon as he hangs up) CAN I GET SOME SERVICE HERE?!?

The One

Me: Anything else?

Customer: No.

Me: Great. Have a good one!

Customer: What is it with you Charleston people. That is offensive, but I like it.

Me: I'm sorry.

Customer: You overuse "one" One can be anything. I could go home and eat a sandwich. I could eat one sandwich. Is that the "one" you mean?!?!

Me: Um...day. I meant day.

Customer: (She walks away in a huff) Really! You southerners are sooo weird.

Me: Have a good DAY!

I’ve Got Some Bad News

Intercom: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 20 MINUTES! PLEASE MAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS AND COME UP FRONT!

Customer: Wait. This store is 24 hours!

Me: Yes sir, but we close early on Thanksgiving.

Customer: Oh, god. I have to go get a turkey, some oysters, and some smoked neck bones!

Me: Um...Yeah. About that.

Why Are We Here

Customer: What type of heartless corporation would make you work on Thanksgiving?

Me: Well, they want us to be here if someone needs to buy something.

Customer: What's this country coming to?

(After looking at the counter for a few seconds)

Customer: Can I have half a pound of this shrimp?

Me: Yes, sir.

Now I’m An Asshole

Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.

Me: when did you want to pick them up?

Customer: Right now.

Me: Um.... did you place an order?

Customer: no.

Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.

Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !

Me: We're almost sold out this year.

Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!

24/7

Intercom: Attention Customers, we will be closing in 30 minutes.

Customer: This store is 24 hours.

Me: We close at 2 today.

Customer: The sign out front says 24 hours.

Me: we close early on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.

Customer: If the sign says 24 hours, you’re 24 hours.  I won’t leave.

(She walks away)

Not Thankful

Customer : Do you have any bigger turkeys in the back?

Me: literally every turkey I have is in that counter right now.

Customer: Damn it! I'm not thankful for you this year.

Shady Oysters

Customer: Oysters?

Me: No ma'am. I don't have any oysters.

Customer: What about any in the shell? I can just shuck them.

Me : Sorry. I don't have any oysters.

Customer : How does that happen? I mean it's not like the oyster has gone extinct.

Me: I've just sold out. They're very popular this time of year.

Customer: That's shady practices. You engage in shady practices!

Another Ruined Thanksgiving

Customer: Are you out of oysters?

Me: Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Customer: (to his wife) Great. Thanksgiving is ruined.

(They leave Thier shopping cart and walk away)

Last Thanksgiving

Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?

Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.

Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!

Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.

Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?

Customer: no. You've done enough.

Bribery

Customer: Hey, dude. I don't see any fresh turkeys. What do you have in the back?

Me: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have anything in the back. I'm all sold out.

Customer: Look, man. I get it. I used to work at Walmart when I was in high school. What do you really have in the back?

Me: I promise you, there's nothing in the back. I'm sold completely out.

Customer: ( gives me a wink) Alright. Alright. I get it. (He pulls out a $20 bill and does that snap thing with it) What do you have in the back now?

Me: Still nothing.

Customer: Oh, you're good. ( he pulls out a $10 bill and adds it to the $20) Eh?

Me: I'd love to take your money, but I really don't have anything to sell you.

Customer: Really?

Me: Really.

Customer: Damn. I really thought that would work.

About Those Nevkbones...

Customer: Where are your roasts? And do you have any neckbones ?

Me: I'm out of neckbones. What type of roast did you want?

Customer: I don't know. Any neckbones?

Me: No neckbones. Everything from here to here is a roast.

Customer: Cool. What about the neckbones?

Me: I'm out of neckbones.

Nothing Makes Sense

Customer: You sell gizzards.

Me: I do. I'm out right now. All I've got are chicken livers.

Customer: WHAT KIND OF STORE IS THIS!?!?

Just Like The First Thanksgiving

Customer: Is it possible for me to thaw this turkey quickly.

Me: Not that big one. You could do a smaller one in maybe 2 hours. You have to put it in water and completely change out the water every 15 minutes.

Customer: (Throwing a peace sign) Forget that! I don't have that kind of time! We getting pizza today

Shitty Thanksgiving

Customer: Any bigger turkeys?

Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.

Customer: Nothing in the back?

Me: No.

Customer: could you check?

(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)

Me: That’s all I have.

Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty