Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: (comes to the counter and looks around) You still selling this salmon?
Me: Um...yes.
Customer: Never can tell anymore. You guys don’t have much.
Me: If you see it, I’m selling it.
Customer: I don’t see any chuck roasts.
Me: I’m out.
Customer: Darn.
Customer: (looking at half empty shelves and tons of people in the store) Your truck late?
Me: No. We aren’t getting one today.
Customer: Someone should lose their job over that.
Customer: Uh...you sure don’t have much.
Me: I’m sorry, sir. Our orders are getting cut in half. The virus stuff has kinda thrown us out of wack.
Customer: Hmmm...I was under the impression that trucks couldn’t catch that virus. You should have planned better.
(The department is closed, We’ve done record business, we’re out of a lot of stuff, and I’m leaving for the day.)
Customer: (To other customer) Wow. They didn’t restock anything today did they? That’s not good business.
Customer: Is this shrimp fresh?
Me: No, ma’am. It’s been frozen. Customer: I don’t want frozen.
Me: I’m very sorry. That’s all I have.
Customer: Awwww is someone feelwing stwessed out?
Customer: (Not looking at me or the counter) I want some chicken breasts.
Me: I’m sorry, but I’m all out.
Customer: (Still not looking at me or the counter) I’ll take two.
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t have any.
Customer: What?! What’s going on?!
Customer: Where’s your split chicken breasts?
Me: I’m all out. We’re only getting in about half of what we ordered and people are buying it up quickly.
Customer: That’s shitty! Don’t know if you heard, but there’s an outbreak going on! (He storms away)
Customer: I want you to cut me two 5oz ribeyes.
Me: I’ve got a couple of orders ahead of you. There are a few about that size out here in the case.
Customer: If I wanted the ones out there, I’d be out there!! I’m at the counter because I want you to cut them!
(I’m frantically restocking as people are buying everything they can get their hands on)
(A customer walks to the counter. I’m two feet to her left. She doesn’t wait for anyone to acknowledge her. She immediately yells.)
Customer: ANYBODY ACTUALLY WORKING BACK HERE TODAY?!?!
Customer: Excuse me, what is kwee-soh?
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: (holding up crab queso dip and pointing to the word queso) What is kwee-soh?
Me: Oh queso! It’s like melted Mexican style cheese dip
Customer: (Walking away)Yeah I know what that is!
Customer: One of those ribeyes.
Me: Here you go.
Customer: Your case go down?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: Well, there’s nothing in this case and the light is off. I figured either you are having trouble with the case or you guys are slacking off.
Me: Well, we don’t open for another two hours. I’m setting up now. The ribeyes are the first thing I cut.
Customer: Ah. I see.
Customer: Any of this fish grass fed?
Me: Um...no.
Customer: What about the chicken?
Me: Chicken don’t eat grass. I’ve got some grass fed beef.
Customer: That’ll work.
Customer: (gesturing at the empty case) What time do you put out the seafood?
Me: The seafood department opens at 10. What did you need? I can get you whatever you wanted.
Customer: I want some cheese.
Me: Um...the deli is on the other side of the store. What did you need from the seafood department?
Customer: (walking away) Just the cheese.
Customer: I want that large ribeye in the front. Can you cut it in half?
Me: Yes, ma’am!
Customer: Do you understand what I mean when I say “cut in half?”
Me: Um...yes, ma’am.
Customer: In. Half.
Customer: Don’t see any lamb out here.
Me: I’m sorry. We’re switching suppliers, so we’re having a hard time getting it in right now.
Customer: Bet it’s because of all that. Nonsense in China. Coronavirus stuff.
Me: I mean...all our lamb is domestic.
Customer: Freaking China...
Customer: Where’s your lamb chops?
Me: I’m sorry. We’re currently switching to a new supplier, so we haven’t been able to get any in for a few days. It should be back to normal in a couple of days.
Customer: This country is going to hell!
(I walk into the department. I’m the first one in, and I haven’t even put on an apron yet)
Customer: Fish?
(I drag out the stuff pulled last night)
Customer: I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but this might be easier if you had the fish out.
Me: We don’t open for four hours. I’m the first person in today.
Customer: See if it was out, you wouldn’t have to hunt for it
Customer: I want steaks.
Me: Sure. What kind?
Customer: Angus.
Me: Everything in this case is angus beef. Which kind of steak did you want?
Customer: USDA Choice.
Me: All of this is choice. I meant did you want a ribeye? Or a strip? Or a fillet?
Customer: I want a steak.
Customer: Whats that?!
Me: A ribeye butterflied into the shape of a heart.
Customer: That’s disturbing.
Customer: I want a pound of scallops.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: Wait! They’re $8.99 a pound. That’s $9.02
Me: It’s a little over a pound. I can take one out if you want.
Customer: Do that! And don’t give me any attitude. I understand customer service! I own a buisness downtown!
Other Customer: Can’t be that successful of a business if three cents will break you.