The Imitation Game
Customer: Is this real crab meat?
Me: No, sir. It’s imitation crab meat. Customer: So is it wild caught imitation crab meat?
King Me
Customer: Is the “Alaskan King Crab Legs” local?
Ghost Story
(A Customer with her Son walks by)
(A pack of meat falls off the shelf near them.)
Customer: (Laughing) We didn’t knock that down!
Me: I know. It happens all the time. It’s the ghost that lives in the case.
Son: (Starts crying.)
That okay?
Me: Hi! Can I help you?
Customer: I’m just looking. IT’S OKAY TO JUST LOOK, RIGHT?!?!
Me: Um...yes. (He starts to walk away, then turns back.)
Customer: None of that stuff is on my list. IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU?!
Brand Loyalty
Customer: You got one of those Impossible Whoppers?
Me: I have some plant based burgers here.
Customer: I want an Impossible Whoppers.
Me: That’s available at Burger King. We carry Beyond Meat. It’s the same idea.
Customer: Lame.
Choosey
Customer: Two pieces of salmon.
Me: Which ones would you like?
Customer: Any of them.
(I grab 2)
Customer: No. Not those ones.
Me: Which ones do you want.
Customer: It doesn’t matter. Any of them.
Me: How about these?
Customer: No.
Me: I can grab you any one you like.
Customer: Oh, I don’t care. Any of them are fine.
Namaste
Me: Anything else I can get you? Customer: Just your love and guidance. Me: Um...okay...you got it!
Customer: Thank you.
Price Check
Customer: (on phone) What type of shrimp do you have today?
Me: I’ve got some shrimp from Georgia for $12.99–
Customer: Let’s get one thing clear. I don’t care about the price. I want to know the type of shrimp.
Me: Okay. I’ve got shrimp from Georgia, Argentina, and Indonesia.
Customer: I’ll be sending my wife for the Georgia ones. Goodbye.
(The phone rings 4 minutes later)
Customer: I just called about the shrimp. How much is the Georgia shrimp?
Me: $12.99.
Individual
Customer: I want three strip steaks, wrapped individually.
Me: Okay. Which ones?
Customer: 1, 3, and 5. Wrapped individually.
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: I want them wrapped individually.
Me: Okay.
Customer: Wrapped individually.
Me: Here’s the first one.
Customer: Wrapped individually.
Me: (wrapping the last one) Anything else?
Customer: Wrap those individually.
Labels
Customer: Is that a ribeye?
Me: I can’t see through the case from back here. Which one are you pointing at?
Customer: The one behind the Porterhouse sign. Is that a ribeye?
Me: Um...that’s a porterhouse.
Customer: Oh.
Are You Sure
Customer: Do y’all have any neck bones?
Me: No ma’am. We are all out. I do have some ham hocks.
Customer: (Pointing to where the neck bones normally are) Are there any over there?
Me: I’m sorry. There aren’t.
Customer: None in the back?
Me: No ma’am. I just checked for a customer. We’re all out
Customer: Ok... well this store BLOWS!
Color Me Bad
Customer: You guys need to do better. The health department is going to shut you down!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You’ve got cooked shrimp next to raw shrimp. Your ignorance is going to make someone sick!
Me: Are you talking about the Argentina Pink Shrimp?
Customer: Yes. It’s disgusting.
Me: Both shrimp are raw. The pink shrimp is just naturally that color.
Customer: Still. How am I to know it’s not cooked?
Me: Well, we label cooked shrimp with a “cooked tag.”
Customer: Still.
Ooh Baby Baby
Customer: Disgusting!
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: You sell baby scallops! That’s cruel! So many babies harvested! Gross.
Me: Sir, those are bay scallops. They’re smaller than sea scallops. That’s as big as they get.
Customer: Oh.
(Seconds later)
Customer: Disgusting! You sell veal...
Long Division
Customer: Can I get these two New York strip steaks? Can you cut them in half?
Me: Of course!
(I hand him the steaks.)
Customer: This is four steaks right?
Me: Um....yes.
Angus Boneless
Customer: We’ll take two of the “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Which kind would you like?
Customer: The “Angus Boneless.”
Me: Yes, but the Strip steaks? The ribeyes? The tenderloin?
Customer: THE “ANGUS BONELESS!” I’m reading your sign!
Me: Yes, ma’am. The first line of every sign is “Angus Boneless” the line below that is the type of steak.
Customer: “ANGUS BONELESS!!”
Tone Change
Customer: I want a ribeye!
Me: Did you want...
Customer: (hands on hip) DON’T you DARE tell me you DON’T have them!! I’m SICK of this “we ran out on thanksgiving” BULLSHIT!!
Me: Um...I was asking if you wants bone in or boneless.
Customer: (huge smile, sweet voice) Boneless. Thank you so much! I appreciate you!
The Day After
Customer: Where are you hiding the turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: That’s just great! Thanks a lot man. You know, some people do their thanksgiving later than Thursday. Some of us actually have to work on thanksgiving!
Have A Cookie
Customer: You got any turkeys?
Me: No, sir.
Customer: I’m just kidding. Who waits until today to get a turkey?
Me: You’d be surprised.
Customer: No I wouldn’t. People are dumbasses. Thank you for working today.
Me: No problem.
(A few minutes later he comes back with a tray of cookies from the deli. )
Customer: I needed to get a few things and I decided to buy this too. Here have a cookie. Happy Thanksgiving
Closing Time
“Attention shoppers: we will be closing in 30 minutes.”
Customer: Why are you closing?
Me: We only stay open until 2 on Thanksgiving.
Customer: I’m not American. I don’t give a fuck about this holiday. I’m taking my time, they can try and throw me out.
As The World Stops
Customer: Where are your turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry. I just sold the last one I had.
Customer: When’s your next delivery?
Me: It won’t be until before Christmas.
Customer: That’s shitty. The world doesn’t stop because there’s a holiday.