Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I don’t need anything. My husband has been stealing steaks from you guys for awhile. I just found out he’s cheating on me. Here’s his Facebook. This is what he looks like. I want you guys to arrest him next time he comes in.
(I am frantically cutting meat trying to fill a counter after 3 days of snow, no trucks, and tons of business. )
Me: Can I help you?
Customer: Yeah. You’re cutting what I need.
Me: Top sirloin?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was fillet mignon.
Me: It’ll take me 10 minutes, but I can cut you a few.
Customer: I’ll wait.
Me: Okay.
Customer: You know, I went to my office on Broad Street this morning. The sidewalks are so icy.
Me: Yeah. It’s pretty rough out there.
Customer: It’s really dangerous. There is no reason that anyone should be out on the roads.
Me: Yeah….um….here’s your steak. Be safe out there.
(I’m cutting on the saw. A customer comes up and rings the bell. I turn off the saw, wash my hands, and walk over)
Me: How can in help you?
Customer: What ya doing back there?Cutting meat?
Me: Um...yes sir. What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t need anything.
(He walks away)
Customer: I want this chicken breast.
Me: Yes, sir!
(I bag it up.)
Customer: And this one. And this one. And this one.
(I undo the bag and grab the other chicken breasts)
Customer: That’s all.
(I print out the label.)
Customer: I want this one too.
(I throw away the label, undo the bag, and get the other breast.)
Me: Anything else?
Customer: No.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Bag then 2 in one bag, 3 in another.
(I throw away the new label, undo the bag, and separate them)
Customer: Do you have more fresh shrimp?
Me: No, sir. We just started getting the fresh shrimp back in. This was the only box since the storm. We’ll start getting them regularly in a day or so.
Customer: That’s terrible! You can’t treat me like this; I own a business downtown!!
Customer: How many shrimp come in the “31/40 count white shrimp?”
Me: There are 31 to 40 in a pound.
Customer: How many are in a half a pound?
Customer: Tell me about the monk fish.
Me: It’s great! It has a real sweet taste kinda like a lobster. In fact, they used to call it “the poor man’s lobster.”
Customer: Cool. I’ll take a pound.
(Five minutes later)
Customer Service Clerk: Hey. A customer just complained on you. He said you called him poor.
Me: We lost everything during the storm.
Customer: You guys really should have a better plan in place. Like having someone work during the storm.
Me: The logic is if someone got hurt during the storm, it would be worse than losing some product.
Customer: (Eye roll) I guess.
Customer: Any fresh local shrimp?
Me: We lost everything in the storm.
Customer: Why the hell not?! Its local, it shouldn’t take that long to get more.
Me: Shrimp boats don’t run during a hurricane.
(He stomps away)
Customer: Hamburger!!!
Me: I’m sorry. We had to throw everything away after the storm and now I’m waiting on my truck to fill it back up.
Customer: SO YOU DON’T HAVE HAMBURGER?!?!?
Me: I’m sorry.
Customer: JESUS! WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER STORES?!?! THIS IS TERRIBLE!!!
Customer: The sign says you open at 10. Where is everything? Why aren’t you open?
Me: Normally we open at 10. Today’s a bit of a special circumstance, you know with the hurricane and all.
Customer: ...
Me: We had to throw away literally everything.
Customer: The sign says 10.
Customer: Do you have any shrimp?
Me: We lost everything during the storm.
Customer: I see. Do you have any hamburger?
Me: We lost 100% of our product. I don’t have anything.
Customer: I see. Salmon?
Me: We had to throw everything away.
Customer: I see.
Customer: It’s ridiculous that you don’t have anything today.
Me: We lost refrigeration during the storm. We had to throw everything away.
Customer: You should have had people working during the storm so they could pull everything when your fridge stopped.
Customer: Do you have more lamb chops?
Me: I will when my truck gets here. It’s running late because of all of the evacuation traffic.
Customer: That’s unacceptable! The world doesn’t stop because there’s a storm off the coast!!
Customer: You closing for the storm?
Me: Eventually.
Customer: (Eye roll)
Me: It floods real badly here. Employees won’t want to battle that to get to work.
Customer: (Eye roll). Can you see if there’s more water in the back? I don’t want to come back out in the storm.
Customer: What type of meat should I use to make brisket?
Me: I sell briskets right here.
Customer: And that’s what you use to make brisket?
Me: Yes.
Customer: You’re sure?
Customer: I want four steaks. I want them wrapped individually.
Me: Okay. Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Why are there four packages? I wanted them two to a pack!
Me: I’m sorry, sir. I thought you said you wanted them individually.
Customer: I do. I just want two packages total.
Customer: Can I smell the salmon?
Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.
Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.
Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Customer: I want a pound of shrimp, but I want you to get a new box of bags from the back to put them in.
Me: Um….okay.
(I go to the back and emerge with a new box.)
Customer: No! That box is already open. Go get another. I want to watch you open it.
(I get an unopened box, open it while she stares at me, get a bag and put her shrimp in it. )
Customer: Much better.
Customer: This chicken is priced wrong! The sign says $2.99.
Me: Sorry about that. I’ll reprice it for you!
Customer: You damn right you’ll reprice it, or you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of a libel lawsuit!