Chicken Season

Customer: I’d like a pound and a half of salmon.

Me: Sure thing! Would you like the farm raised or the wild caught?

Customer: Oh god, the wild salmon. Never farm raised. That’s disgusting and wrong.

Me: Anything else?

Customer: Yes. Two pounds of boneless chicken breast.

(I start to fill a tray with the chicken. She stops me.)

Customer: Wait, young man. This is fresh, yes?

Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s fresh, never frozen.

Customer: And its wild caught, hmmmm?

Me: Um...no, ma’am. Its farm raised. All chicken is farm raised.

Customer: That can’t be! Why the hell would that be true?!

Me: I mean, no one is going out and....um...hunting chickens.

Customer: Maybe not here!

(She walks away)

East Coast/West Coast Beef...Er.....Fish

Customer: Is this Wreckfish east coast or west coast Wreckfish?

Me: (gesturing to the sign that says “Local Item”) It’s local! We just got it in.

Customer: Sooooooo.....it’s......

Me: It’s east coast Wreckfish.

Customer: You really should put that on the sign. Might sell some more.

They’re Tragic and Delicious!

Customer : Oh, it is so horrible that we kill Mahi. They are such beautiful fish. Have you ever caught one?

Me: I don’t really do a lot of fishing.

Customer: They’re gorgeous! They turn all sorts of colors. Like a rainbow.

Me: Wow. I didn’t know that.

Customer: And then we kill them. It’s tragic. Disgusting.

Me: Yeah, that’s rough.

Customer: I’ll take two filets of the Mahi.

Me: Yes, sir.

A Crab By Any Other Name

Me: Anything else I can get you?

Customer: Do you have any crab cakes?

Me: I do! I have three varieties.  Which one did you want?

Customer: Do you have crab cakes?

Me: (pointing to the three types of crab cakes I have) Right here. Which kind did you want?

Customer: Crab cakes! (Acting like I’m just not getting it) Crab Cakes!

Me: These are all of the varieties I carry.

Customer: I want the kind in the crab shell.

Me: Oh, the deviled crabs. I don’t have any of them right now.

Customer: I call them crab cakes.

Me: Is there anything else I can get you?

Customer: I’ll take this front piece of tuna.

(I go to get the tuna in the front of the case.)

Customer: Front! Front!

(I move my hand around to all of the tuna steaks in the front of the case.)

Customer: Front! Front!!

(I move my hand to the back of the case)

Customer: Yes, that one. I call that the front.

Happy 4th of July

Customer: Is this company based overseas?

Me: Um....no. Our corporate offices are in North Carolina.

Customer: Man, this company must really hate America.

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: If they loved America. They wouldn't make you work today.

Me: Well...they just want us to be here for any customers that need something.

Customer: If I owned a company, I wouldn't make my employees work.

Me: That's cool. I'm sure they would appreciate that.

Customer: Yeah......So can I get 3lbs of Chicken.

Me: Yes, Sir.

Give Or Take

Customer: How many of these shrimp come in a pound?

Me: There are about 13-15 shrimp in a pound.

Customer:  I only want a pound.  Don’t go over. I’ll take 15.

(I start to count out 15 shrimp, working to pick ones that will get him close to a pound)

Customer: I don’t want that smaller one! I want this big one!

Me: The bigger shrimp will put it closer to 13 rather than 15.

Customer: Oh I see! You’re trying to short me by giving me the smallest shrimp!

Me: Sir, they’re sold by the pound. A pound will always cost the same no matter how many shrimp. 

Customer: Keep them! I don’t want anything from someone trying to cheat me! You do you!

(He storms off)

Quite A Tail

Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!

Me: How did you cook it?

Customer: Cook it?

Me: Um....yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.

(Long pause)

Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?

(She  just walks away.)

Tenderness

Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?

Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.

Customer: So it’s not tender?

Me: Not really. I....

Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!

(She turns and walks away)

(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)

Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.

(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)

Marrow Removal Service

Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!

Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.

Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.

Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.

Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!

Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.

Customer: Then what is it?

Me: Um…the spinal cord.

Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?

Irregular Customer

Customer: Do you do rotisserie chickens here?

Me: They do in the deli on the other side of the store.

Customer: We're not familiar with the store. Where is that?

Me: The deli is on the opposite side of the store.

Customer: We. Are. Not. Regular. Customers. Do you have a place with cooked foods like rotisserie chickens?!

Me: Yes, ma'am. The deli does. It is as far as you can walk that way, on the other side of the store from us.

Customer: You should have answered my question the first time.

Wonder What She’s Making

Customer: I was looking for peeled and deveined shrimp. I’m making shrimp creole.

Me: I’ve got some peeled and deveined shrimp right here.

Customer: I don’t want cooked. I want to make shrimp creole.

Me: They’re not cooked. They’re raw.

Customer: (sigh) I’m craving shrimp creole. I was gonna make some.

Me: Um....would you like some of these?

Customer: Show me what half a pound looks like. I want them for shrimp creole.

(I bag up half a pound)

Me: This is half a pound.

Customer: They’re so big. I want them for shrimp creole. How about these smaller ones. Give me half a pound.

(I bag up the smaller shrimp)

Me: Anything else?

Customer: (taking the shrimp) I’m making shrimp creole.

Reading is Fundamental

Customer : Is this the tilapia that's on sale?

Me: Let me check. This is my first day working this sale.

Customer: The sign says it's on sale.

Me: Then yes. That's the tilapia on sale.

Only If The Freezer Is Working

CUSTOMER: Do you have anymore of the salmon?

ME: Yes, I do. In the Freezer.

CUSTOMER: Is it frozen?

Buy Local

Customer: This is crap! Look at this! This is disgraceful!

Me: Um..I’m sorry?

Customer: Look at all this FARM RAISED SHRIMP!!! Imported from Asia! This company should be ashamed of itself. What about wild caught local shrimp. This is disgusting!

Me: I have wild caught shrimp right here. It’s wild caught from Georgia. We haven’t started getting local shrimp yet, but this is fresh and wild caught.

(He stares at the shrimp and the $10.99 price tag.)

Customer: (After a few seconds) I’ll take a pound of the $6.99 shrimp.

Me: Yes sir.

(I get him a pound of the farm raised $6.99lb shrimp from Thailand.)

Fire Sale

 (While working the counter, I smell smoke. I check around and find out that the chicken case has caught on fire.)

(I yell for the guy I'm working with. He grabs a fire extinguisher and I start moving stuff in the case so we can get to the growing electrical fire. )

(A customer approaches. He sees this: I'm holding up a shelf so that my coworker can get the extinguisher close to the VISIBLE FLAMES.)

Customer: Do you guys have anymore hams?

Me: Yeah. I'll get them after we take care of this.

Customer: (agitated) Is there anyone else that can help me?

Me: No. Is just us. I'll get them as soon as the fire is out.

Customer: Could you hurry?

Do You Sell Maps

Customer: Your ALASKAN salmon says its wild caught. But where is it from? Is it American?

Me: Um... its from Alaska.

(Blank stare)

Me: Yes, it's American.

Customer: Great! I'll take a pound.

Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign

 (The Customer Service Clerk walks back with a Customer)

Customer: See. That pack of chicken should be $2.99. Look at the sign.

Customer Service Clerk: That sign means it $2.99 a pound.

Customer: Oh...uh....well...it's not very clear.

Customer Service Clerk: It says per pound. The "lb" is right beside the price.

Customer: Yeah...well....I'm not used to that. That's not the way you guys normally do it.

Customer Service Clerk: Excuse me. Did you guys just start using these signs?

Me: I mean, those are the same type of signs we've had the entire time I've worked here.

Customer: Yeah, but how long has this guy worked here? That's not saying much.

Me: Ive been here for awhile. It will be 19 years in July.

Customer: The sign is dumb.

Glutton for Gluten

Customer: Is there gluten in these crab cakes?

Me: It doesn't say "gluten free," so it's likely.

Customer: Trying to eat gluten free is really hard.

Me: Yeah, my mom had issues with gluten and she says the same thing.

Customer : You know, it's she had issues with gluten, then you probably have issues with gluten too.

Me: Um. .. yeah. It's probably coming...

Customer: You already have it That's where this (pointing at my stomach and indicating the size) comes from.

Me: So anything else I can help you with?

You Are Here

Customer: I'll take a half of pound of shrimp.

Me: Sure!  Here you go!

Customer: The tag says local. (The sign actually says Regional)

Me: Well, it's regional. It's coming out of Georgia.

Customer: (long pause) That's South Carolina, right?

That Was Close

Me: What can I get you?

Customer: One pound of shrimp.

(I give it to him)

Me: Anything else?

Customer: Wait. I'm allergic to shrimp.

(He gives it back to me)