Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer :Do you have any London Broils?
Me: I’m sorry, sir. I'm out right now. I’ll have some tomorrow, but I don’t have any right now.
Customer : That's fucking great! What the fuck are we going to eat now?
His wife: Honey, it's okay. Don't talk to him like that.
Customer : Fuck that. If he doesn't want to be talked too like this, he'd have a real job.
Customer: (looking around the meat department) Do you guys have fresh bread around here?
Me: Yeah. We've got a bakery on (I make a gesture indicating the direction) the other side of the store.
Customer: (turning to look directly behind her at the frozen seafood case) Where? Behind me? (She opens a door, revealing frozen shrimp) Where's the bread?
Me: Um... is on the other side of the store. You have to walk down this aisle.
Customer: What do you put on your steaks to make it red?
Me: We don’t put anything on it.
Customer: Why is it so red?
Me: It turns red when it reacts with the air.
Customer: When I get meat in restaurants, it’s brown.
Me: It turns brown when you cook it.
(He looks at me skeptically)
Customer: Are you sure? I don’t think so.
Customer: I want to put these shrimp in an Alfredo sauce. Would they work?
Me: Of course!
Customer: Could I use these clams too? I’ve never cooked clams before.
(I spend a few minutes explaining to him how to cook them, what else to add to the sauce, etc. I take him over to the spice aisle and get him everything he needs)
Customer: Thanks, man!
Me: Have a good day!
(Five minutes later the Customer Service Clerk walks back)
Clerk: Did you help the guy with the seafood and all the sauces and stuff?
Me: I did.
Clerk: He shoved all that stuff into his book bag and left without paying.
Customer: One pound of shrimp, please.
Me: Yes, ma’am!
(I bag up some shrimp. It weighs 1.02 lbs)
Customer: I said a pound. I don’t want more than that.
(I pull out a shrimp. It now weighs .99 lbs)
Customer: Are you deaf?! One pound!
(I try shrimp after shrimp until I get one that brings the total to one pound even)
Customer: It shouldn’t have been that hard.
(A man walks to the counter.)
Me: Can I help you with anything?
Customer: No. I need to wait and check with the boss.
Me: Alright. After you check with the boss, let me know what I can get you.
(I go back to work)
Coworker: How can I help you?
Customer: I’m waiting for my wife.
(He goes back to work. )
(A few seconds later his wife, “The Boss” walks up. She she’s her husband waiting by the counter)
The Boss: (gesturing in disbelief at my coworker and me) Is anybody helping you?!?!
Customer: No. I wanted....
The Boss: Hello!!!! Can we get some damn help here?!?!?!
Me: (running over) I’m sorry, ma’am. I asked your husband if he needed help.
Customer: He asked. I was waiting for you.
Me: What can I get you?
(The Boss then spends 40 seconds looking over the case and talking with her husband. I stand there; I don’t dare walk away)
The Boss: Do you have hamburger that’s leaner than this?
Me: I do in the counter out there. It’s already priced, you can grab whatever you want.
(She storms off with her husband trailing behind. )
Customer: How many shrimp are in a pound?
Me: There's about 30-40 in a pound.
Customer: Okay. I'll take a pound please.
(I start getting the shrimp)
Customer: Wait! Wait! Wait! I haven't told you which shrimp I wanted.
Me: I'm sorry. I thought you were pointing to this shrimp here in the middle.
Customer: That's right. But I haven't told you which shrimp yet. There's one sitting here near the front that I want.
(I try to reach the shrimp she's pointing at. Keep in mind because of the glass, I can't really tell where she is pointing)
Customer: No. Not that one. To the left. No. My left. Yes, that one. Now near the back is another one I want. It's kinda pointed to the left.
(After she hand selects each shrimp, I put the bag on the scale.)
Me: It's a little over a pound.
Customer: Take five shrimp out.
(I reach into the bag.)
Customer: Wait! Wait! dump them out, so I can tell you which five I'd like to lose.
Customer: I’d like a pound and a half of salmon.
Me: Sure thing! Would you like the farm raised or the wild caught?
Customer: Oh god, the wild salmon. Never farm raised. That’s disgusting and wrong.
Me: Anything else?
Customer: Yes. Two pounds of boneless chicken breast.
(I start to fill a tray with the chicken. She stops me.)
Customer: Wait, young man. This is fresh, yes?
Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s fresh, never frozen.
Customer: And its wild caught, hmmmm?
Me: Um...no, ma’am. Its farm raised. All chicken is farm raised.
Customer: That can’t be! Why the hell would that be true?!
Me: I mean, no one is going out and....um...hunting chickens.
Customer: Maybe not here!
(She walks away)
Customer: Is this Wreckfish east coast or west coast Wreckfish?
Me: (gesturing to the sign that says “Local Item”) It’s local! We just got it in.
Customer: Sooooooo.....it’s......
Me: It’s east coast Wreckfish.
Customer: You really should put that on the sign. Might sell some more.
Customer : Oh, it is so horrible that we kill Mahi. They are such beautiful fish. Have you ever caught one?
Me: I don’t really do a lot of fishing.
Customer: They’re gorgeous! They turn all sorts of colors. Like a rainbow.
Me: Wow. I didn’t know that.
Customer: And then we kill them. It’s tragic. Disgusting.
Me: Yeah, that’s rough.
Customer: I’ll take two filets of the Mahi.
Me: Yes, sir.
Me: Anything else I can get you?
Customer: Do you have any crab cakes?
Me: I do! I have three varieties. Which one did you want?
Customer: Do you have crab cakes?
Me: (pointing to the three types of crab cakes I have) Right here. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Crab cakes! (Acting like I’m just not getting it) Crab Cakes!
Me: These are all of the varieties I carry.
Customer: I want the kind in the crab shell.
Me: Oh, the deviled crabs. I don’t have any of them right now.
Customer: I call them crab cakes.
Me: Is there anything else I can get you?
Customer: I’ll take this front piece of tuna.
(I go to get the tuna in the front of the case.)
Customer: Front! Front!
(I move my hand around to all of the tuna steaks in the front of the case.)
Customer: Front! Front!!
(I move my hand to the back of the case)
Customer: Yes, that one. I call that the front.
Customer: Is this company based overseas?
Me: Um....no. Our corporate offices are in North Carolina.
Customer: Man, this company must really hate America.
Me: I'm sorry?
Customer: If they loved America. They wouldn't make you work today.
Me: Well...they just want us to be here for any customers that need something.
Customer: If I owned a company, I wouldn't make my employees work.
Me: That's cool. I'm sure they would appreciate that.
Customer: Yeah......So can I get 3lbs of Chicken.
Me: Yes, Sir.
Customer: How many of these shrimp come in a pound?
Me: There are about 13-15 shrimp in a pound.
Customer: I only want a pound. Don’t go over. I’ll take 15.
(I start to count out 15 shrimp, working to pick ones that will get him close to a pound)
Customer: I don’t want that smaller one! I want this big one!
Me: The bigger shrimp will put it closer to 13 rather than 15.
Customer: Oh I see! You’re trying to short me by giving me the smallest shrimp!
Me: Sir, they’re sold by the pound. A pound will always cost the same no matter how many shrimp.
Customer: Keep them! I don’t want anything from someone trying to cheat me! You do you!
(He storms off)
Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!
Me: How did you cook it?
Customer: Cook it?
Me: Um....yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
(Long pause)
Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?
(She just walks away.)
Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?
Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.
Customer: So it’s not tender?
Me: Not really. I....
Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!
(She turns and walks away)
(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)
Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.
(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)
Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!
Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.
Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.
Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.
Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!
Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.
Customer: Then what is it?
Me: Um…the spinal cord.
Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?
Customer: Do you do rotisserie chickens here?
Me: They do in the deli on the other side of the store.
Customer: We're not familiar with the store. Where is that?
Me: The deli is on the opposite side of the store.
Customer: We. Are. Not. Regular. Customers. Do you have a place with cooked foods like rotisserie chickens?!
Me: Yes, ma'am. The deli does. It is as far as you can walk that way, on the other side of the store from us.
Customer: You should have answered my question the first time.
Customer: I was looking for peeled and deveined shrimp. I’m making shrimp creole.
Me: I’ve got some peeled and deveined shrimp right here.
Customer: I don’t want cooked. I want to make shrimp creole.
Me: They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
Customer: (sigh) I’m craving shrimp creole. I was gonna make some.
Me: Um....would you like some of these?
Customer: Show me what half a pound looks like. I want them for shrimp creole.
(I bag up half a pound)
Me: This is half a pound.
Customer: They’re so big. I want them for shrimp creole. How about these smaller ones. Give me half a pound.
(I bag up the smaller shrimp)
Me: Anything else?
Customer: (taking the shrimp) I’m making shrimp creole.
Customer : Is this the tilapia that's on sale?
Me: Let me check. This is my first day working this sale.
Customer: The sign says it's on sale.
Me: Then yes. That's the tilapia on sale.
CUSTOMER: Do you have anymore of the salmon?
ME: Yes, I do. In the Freezer.
CUSTOMER: Is it frozen?