Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: This turkey you sold me has no arms or legs.
Me: Ma'am, that's a turkey breast. Not a whole turkey.
Customer: Are you sure? I thought this was just a small turkey.
Me: I'm positive. That is a turkey breast.
Customer: Why are the holidays so hard?
Me: Happy Thanksgiving.
Customer: Do you have any more Bell & Evans turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. We only got a few of them in.
Customer: I saw them the other day, but I figured you would get more.
Me: I’m sorry. I do have plenty of butterball and our brand of turkeys left.
Customer: I’m having people over. I’d kill myself if I had to serve...Butterball.
(A customer slams a half wrapped turkey hanging out of a pan on the counter)
Customer: The turkey you sold me is to big to fit in my fucking pan!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am. What size did you ask for?
Customer: I don't know!
(I look it up in our order book)
Me: Ma'am, you ordered a 14lb turkey. This one is only 12 3/4. I'm really sorry.
Customer: Fuck your sorry. What are you going to do about it.
Me: I've only got one turkey left. It was from an order that someone didn't pick up. Problem is it's a 20lb turkey.
Customer: Well that's not going to fit in my pan.
Me: We do sell those foil disposable pans.
Customer: I don't do disposable pans. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving !
(She storms off)
Customer: Yo! Turkeys!
Me: Sorry. I'm all out.
Customer: Yo! For real?
Me: Yeah. Sorry.
Customer: (sadly almost to himself) Yo.
Customer: (On phone) I need to get a cooked turkey to take to a kid’s class.
Me: I don’t really have cooked turkey. Other than lunch meat.
Customer: I don’t want lunch meat! I need it for a children’s classroom.
Me: Everything I have is raw. The deli might....
Customer: I already spoke to the deli. They only have turkey breasts. I need a whole cooked turkey. For a class.
Me: I don’t really have anything like that. I’m sorry....
Customer: You just ruined a bunch of kids’ day! (She hangs up)
Me: Hi! How can I help you?
Customer: Is this shrimp raw?
Me: Yes, Ma'am. I have some cooked over here, if that was what you wanted.
(She looks at the cooked shrimp)
Customer: Welcome to Charleston!!!!!!
(She walks away)
Customer: Can I get this chicken cut up?
Me: Sure! How do you want it cut?
Customer: What’s my option other than with a knife?
Me: Uh..I meant, eight pieces or four pieces.
Customer: That makes way more sense. I’m kinda disappointed. I thought for a second you had some awesome chicken cutting machine.
Me: Now I’m disappointed. I want a chicken machine.
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I want a large one.
(I look to see if she’s pointing to something in the case and I just can’t see it. She is not.)
Me: What kind of steak?
Customer: Like not a small one.
Me: I don’t know what kind of steak you want.
Customer: A large one.
Me: No. I mean do you want a strip steak, ribeye, sirloin fillet, or tenderloin.
Customer: Sirloin, obviously.
Me: Coming right up!
(The phone rings)
Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?
Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?
Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.
Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?
Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?
Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?
Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.
Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
(I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me)
Me: Okay. Is there something I can help you with?
Customer: I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.
Me: Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes.
Customer: He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.
Me: Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably....
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
Me: Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
Me: Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.
(I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper.)
(She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me)
Customer: I don’t eat meat.
(The phone rings.)
Me: Meat department. How may I help you?
Customer: Lobster Tails!
Me: Um...yes....we have lobster tails.
Customer: Price!
Me: $2.97 each.
(They hang up)
Customer: I want a pound of shrimp!
Me: Yes, sir.
Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.
Me: Um...yes, sir.
(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)
Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...
(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)
Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned...
Me: Here's your shrimp.
(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)
Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....
(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)
Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..
(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)
CUSTOMER: (holding a package of ground veal) Is this pork?
ME: It's veal.
CUSTOMER: So.....lamb?
ME: Um...no. It's calf.
(Blank stare from the Customer)
ME: It's....ah....very young cow.
CUSTOMER: So like a baby.....cow?!
ME: Basically.
(She gives me a look of disgust and throws the veal down)
CUSTOMER: How can you be part of an industry that would do that to a baby?! I’ll just take ground beef.
Customer: Are these shrimp cooked?
Me: No, ma'am. They're completely raw.
Customer: Okay......do I need to cook them?
Me: I'd recommend it.
Customer: I bought a turkey a couple of days ago. I'm looking at your thermometer it says like 33. Does it have to stay at that temp?
Me: My cases run really cold. You don't have to do that; you just need to keep it refrigerated.
Customer: Crap. Really?
Me: Um....yes. It needs to be kept under refrigeration.
Customer: I've just had it sitting on my kitchen table.
Me: For two days!?
Customer: I put it in a freezer bag.
Customer: Give me the third one from the top.
Me: Which fish are you wanting. I can’t see where you’re pointing from here.
Customer: Salmon!
(I grab the third salmon from the top)
Customer: TOP!
(I reach down at the bottom of the case)
Me: You mean this one at the bottom?
Customer: I guess you would call that the bottom.
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I want a large one.
Me: A large what?
Customer: (Eye roll) Not. A. Small. Sized. One.
Me: I meant what did you want? You haven’t told me what type of fish.
Customer: (2nd eye roll) Jesus. Salmon!
Customer: You got any fresh swordfish?
Me: No, sir. We haven’t gotten a fresh seafood shipment since the storm. I’ll be getting fresh stuff in tomorrow. I do have some frozen swordfish right here.
Customer: I don’t do frozen.
Me: I’m sorry. That’s all I have.
Customer: Jeez! (Eye roll)
Customer: (looking at the near empty case) What happened? You guys waiting on a truck?
Me: Yes, sir. It’s on its way, but we don’t know when it’s going to get here.
Customer: That’s really unprofessional.
Customer: What happened out here? It looks like Russia.
Me: We haven’t had a truck in 3 days and…..
(She shakes her head and walks away.)