Too Much Power

Customer: This is bullshit!

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: They make you work on Thanksgiving! You got family in town.

Me: I do.

Customer: That's fucked up. You should be there! Corporations have too much power. They shouldn't get in between you and your family.

Me: Thanks. It's not that bad. I get off around 2. Then I get to go to my family's place.

Customer: Fucked up, man.

(We stand in silence for a few seconds)

Me: Um....anything else?

Customer: Yeah. Can I get half a pound of salmon?

Newsworthy

Customer: Oysters?

Me: Hi! I’m unfortunately, out of oysters.

Customer: How is that possible.

Me: Well, we only get so many in.

Customer: You’re a goddamn grocery store.

Me: I’m really sorry, sir.

Customer: that’s false advertising!

Me: I’m very sorry.

Customer: Don’t be sorry. Fix it!

Me: There’s nothing I can do.

Customer: I can’t wait to call Live 5 and tell them about your bait and switch! You’re gonna be famous! FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!

What’s Thanksgiving?

Customer: All of these oysters are half pint containers. Do you sell pints?

Me: I do, but I’m all out. All I have are those half pints.

Customers: Will you be getting anymore tomorrow?

Me: No, ma’am. I don’t get a delivery tomorrow.

Customers: Are you serious?!? It’s like you guys have never heard of Thanksgiving!

These Legs Were Made For Walking

Customer: I can’t find the turkey drumsticks.

Me: I’m sorry. I ran out yesterday. I still have some wings, if that helps at all.

Customer: I didn’t say I wanted wings.

Me: I’m sorry. I’m out of turkey drumsticks.

Customer: How the hell are you out? Every turkey I’ve ever seen has legs. Where’d they go?!?

Me: I had a bunch. I just ran out of them with it being Thanksgiving.

Customer: That’s mighty shitty, son.

Frankenbird

Customer: Hey! I don't need anything, but can I ask you a question?

Me: of course! What can I help you with?

Customer : My wife is making something called a turduckin. How do they do that?

Me: you mean how do they make a turduckin?

Customer: yeah.

Me: They take the bones out of a chicken, duck, and turkey. Then they stuff the chicken in the duck and the duck in the turkey.

Customer: Well, now I feel like an idiot. I thought they had created a duck/turkey/chicken hybrid. I was wondering how they got those animals to breed.

Me: No, it's just a stuffed meal.

Customer : That would be some real Dr. Moreau type shit.

I’m Thankful For Pans

 (A customer slams a half wrapped turkey hanging out of a pan on the counter)

Customer: The turkey you sold me is to big to fit in my fucking pan!

Me: I'm sorry ma'am. What size did you ask for?

Customer: I don't know!

(I look it up in our order book)

Me: Ma'am, you ordered a 14lb turkey. This one is only 12 3/4. I'm really sorry.

Customer: Fuck your sorry. What are you going to do about it.

Me: I've only got one turkey left. It was from an order that someone didn't pick up. Problem is it's a 20lb turkey.

Customer: Well that's not going to fit in my pan.

Me: We do sell those foil disposable pans.

Customer: I don't do disposable pans. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving !

(She storms off)

Turkey Class

Customer: (On phone) I need to get a cooked turkey to take to a kid’s class.

Me: I don’t really have cooked turkey. Other than lunch meat.

Customer: I don’t want lunch meat! I need it for a children’s classroom.

Me: Everything I have is raw. The deli might....

Customer: I already spoke to the deli. They only have turkey breasts. I need a whole cooked turkey. For a class.

Me: I don’t really have anything like that. I’m sorry....

Customer: You just ruined a bunch of kids’ day! (She hangs up)

The Cut-o-matic

Customer: Can I get this chicken cut up?

Me: Sure! How do you want it cut?

Customer: What’s my option other than with a knife?

Me: Uh..I meant, eight pieces or four pieces.

Customer: That makes way more sense. I’m kinda disappointed. I thought for a second you had some awesome chicken cutting machine.

Me: Now I’m disappointed. I want a chicken machine.

Mind Reading

Me: How can I help you?

Customer: I want a large one.

(I look to see if she’s pointing to something in the case and I just can’t see it. She is not.)

Me: What kind of steak?

Customer: Like not a small one.

Me: I don’t know what kind of steak you want.

Customer: A large one.

Me: No. I mean do you want a strip steak, ribeye, sirloin fillet, or tenderloin.

Customer: Sirloin, obviously.

Me: Coming right up!

Stake Out

 (The phone rings)

Me: Meat Department. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early 50s with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?

Me: Um....I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.

Customer: I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s real tall and good looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?

Me: I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?

Customer: No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week, he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?

Me: That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.

Customer: Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.

Do You Eat Meat?

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

(I wait for her to finish what she was saying. She stops talking and looks at me)

Me: Okay. Is there something I can help you with?

Customer: I need to get a steak for my husband. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Sure. Do you know what kind of steak he likes. 

Customer: He said he likes fillets. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Okay. I’ve got sirloin fillets and tenderloin fillets. Probably....

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Both are good steaks. The tenderloin is going to be better. It’s kinda the top level for steaks.

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

Me: Let’s go with the tenderloin fillet.

(I wrap up the steak. She holds it with two fingers, like it’s a dirty diaper.)

(She starts to walk away with a look of disgust on her face. She stops, and turns back to me)

Customer: I don’t eat meat.

The Real Housewives Of The Butcher’s Counter

Customer: I want a pound of shrimp!

Me: Yes, sir.

Customer: And hurry up! I'm not one of those housewives with all the time in the world.

Me: Um...yes, sir.

(meanwhile this tiny older woman walked up behind him)

Woman: Excuse me?!?! I have all the time in the world?!?!? Let me tell you about my day! I have to wake up at five to make sure my boys get up for school...

(I keep getting his shrimp, while he stands there not making eye contact with her. It is VERY CLEAR he is uncomfortable.)

Woman: ...then I have to run my errands. I went to the dry cleaner cause my husband needs a suit for a wedding cleaned...

Me: Here's your shrimp.

(He takes it and walks away. The woman follows behind him, continuing to yell at him.)

Woman: I'm at the store because its my turn to cook dinner for a family at our church who just suffered a loss. Then I have to....

(A little while later, I walk up front to by a drink on my break. At the register is the Customer...and the woman. He is turning red and is still silent.)

Woman: I have to make dinner tonight! Ain't nobody gonna help me! So you listen to me..

(She kept going, but I went back to my department with my water.)

All Gown Up

CUSTOMER: (holding a package of ground veal) Is this pork?

ME: It's veal.

CUSTOMER: So.....lamb?

ME: Um...no. It's calf.

(Blank stare from the Customer)

ME: It's....ah....very young cow.

CUSTOMER: So like a baby.....cow?!

ME: Basically.

(She gives me a look of disgust and throws the veal down)

CUSTOMER: How can you be part of an industry that would do that to a baby?! I’ll just take ground beef.