That’s Weirdly Specific
Customer : Can you cut up this sirloin for me?
Me: Absolutely. How big do you want it?
Customer: Can you cut out to the size of cat food?
Me: ......yes. Yes I can.
Please Try Your Call Again
Me: Hi! How can I help you?
Customer: I’M ON THE PHONE!!
Me: Sorry.
(I go back to work )
Customer: (As soon as he hangs up) CAN I GET SOME SERVICE HERE?!?
The One
Me: Anything else?
Customer: No.
Me: Great. Have a good one!
Customer: What is it with you Charleston people. That is offensive, but I like it.
Me: I'm sorry.
Customer: You overuse "one" One can be anything. I could go home and eat a sandwich. I could eat one sandwich. Is that the "one" you mean?!?!
Me: Um...day. I meant day.
Customer: (She walks away in a huff) Really! You southerners are sooo weird.
Me: Have a good DAY!
I’ve Got Some Bad News
Intercom: ATTENTION CUSTOMERS! WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 20 MINUTES! PLEASE MAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS AND COME UP FRONT!
Customer: Wait. This store is 24 hours!
Me: Yes sir, but we close early on Thanksgiving.
Customer: Oh, god. I have to go get a turkey, some oysters, and some smoked neck bones!
Me: Um...Yeah. About that.
Why Are We Here
Customer: What type of heartless corporation would make you work on Thanksgiving?
Me: Well, they want us to be here if someone needs to buy something.
Customer: What's this country coming to?
(After looking at the counter for a few seconds)
Customer: Can I have half a pound of this shrimp?
Me: Yes, sir.
Now I’m An Asshole
Customer: Last year we bought 43 hams from you. I'd like to do that again.
Me: when did you want to pick them up?
Customer: Right now.
Me: Um.... did you place an order?
Customer: no.
Me: I have like 6 hams in the entire store.
Customer: What? !?! How is that possible? !
Me: We're almost sold out this year.
Customer: Well what the hell am I supposed to give my employees? I'm going to look like an asshole. Thanks a lot!
24/7
Intercom: Attention Customers, we will be closing in 30 minutes.
Customer: This store is 24 hours.
Me: We close at 2 today.
Customer: The sign out front says 24 hours.
Me: we close early on Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve.
Customer: If the sign says 24 hours, you’re 24 hours. I won’t leave.
(She walks away)
Not Thankful
Customer : Do you have any bigger turkeys in the back?
Me: literally every turkey I have is in that counter right now.
Customer: Damn it! I'm not thankful for you this year.
Shady Oysters
Customer: Oysters?
Me: No ma'am. I don't have any oysters.
Customer: What about any in the shell? I can just shuck them.
Me : Sorry. I don't have any oysters.
Customer : How does that happen? I mean it's not like the oyster has gone extinct.
Me: I've just sold out. They're very popular this time of year.
Customer: That's shady practices. You engage in shady practices!
Another Ruined Thanksgiving
Customer: Are you out of oysters?
Me: Yes, sir. I'm sorry.
Customer: (to his wife) Great. Thanksgiving is ruined.
(They leave Thier shopping cart and walk away)
Last Thanksgiving
Customer: Do you have any turkey wings?
Me: no, sir. I'm sold out. I'm sorry.
Customer: That's fucking great! (To wife, but clearly loud enough that he wants me to hear it) sorry honey. It's possibly your father's last thanksgiving and he won't have any turkey wings!
Wife: Dad's not dying. He’s not even eating with us.
Me : Um.... anything else I can help you with?
Customer: no. You've done enough.
Bribery
Customer: Hey, dude. I don't see any fresh turkeys. What do you have in the back?
Me: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have anything in the back. I'm all sold out.
Customer: Look, man. I get it. I used to work at Walmart when I was in high school. What do you really have in the back?
Me: I promise you, there's nothing in the back. I'm sold completely out.
Customer: ( gives me a wink) Alright. Alright. I get it. (He pulls out a $20 bill and does that snap thing with it) What do you have in the back now?
Me: Still nothing.
Customer: Oh, you're good. ( he pulls out a $10 bill and adds it to the $20) Eh?
Me: I'd love to take your money, but I really don't have anything to sell you.
Customer: Really?
Me: Really.
Customer: Damn. I really thought that would work.
About Those Nevkbones...
Customer: Where are your roasts? And do you have any neckbones ?
Me: I'm out of neckbones. What type of roast did you want?
Customer: I don't know. Any neckbones?
Me: No neckbones. Everything from here to here is a roast.
Customer: Cool. What about the neckbones?
Me: I'm out of neckbones.
Nothing Makes Sense
Customer: You sell gizzards.
Me: I do. I'm out right now. All I've got are chicken livers.
Customer: WHAT KIND OF STORE IS THIS!?!?
Just Like The First Thanksgiving
Customer: Is it possible for me to thaw this turkey quickly.
Me: Not that big one. You could do a smaller one in maybe 2 hours. You have to put it in water and completely change out the water every 15 minutes.
Customer: (Throwing a peace sign) Forget that! I don't have that kind of time! We getting pizza today
Shitty Thanksgiving
Customer: Any bigger turkeys?
Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.
Customer: Nothing in the back?
Me: No.
Customer: could you check?
(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)
Me: That’s all I have.
Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty
Duck Is Not. Pheasant
Customer: Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: You too!
Customer: Thank you for working today.
Me: Oh, thanks. It’s not a bad shift to work.
Customer: I want to cook a pheasant for thanksgiving.
Me: I actually have some left. They’re frozen over here.
Customer: Oh, no sir. Frozen won’t work.
Me: I don’t carry them fresh. If you ran water on it, if could be thawed in a couple of hours.
Customer: No good! I’ve got people coming over now!
Me: Um....I do have a fresh duck, if you wanted something you could cook right now.
Customer: Young man, a duck is NOT a pheasant.
Mistaken Identity
Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?
Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.
(A few minutes later)
Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.
Me: Sure. What’s the name?
Customer: Johnson.
(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)
Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?
Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.
Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?
Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.
Discount
Customer: Yesterday, you had a ton of turkey legs over here. Where are they today.
Me: I’m all out, I’m afraid. Sorry.
Customer: You has so many yesterday!
Me: Yes, sir. But that was all I had. Once they sold, that was it.
Customer: I wish I had known that!!!! I didn’t buy them yesterday because I wanted my 5% senior citizen’s discount. That’s only on Thursday!!!!
Me: I’m really sorry.
Customer: (walking away) Fuuuuuuuuck.
Thanksgiving Is Ruined
Customer: Where’s your fresh tuna?
Me: I don’t have any tuna today. I’ve got some salmon and cod left, if you want it.
Customer: But it’s thanksgiving!
Me: I’m sorry. There’s some frozen tuna down here in my freezer.
Customer: Fuck that. Thanksgiving is ruined.....you ruined thanksgiving.