Allstar
Customer: (ringing the bell on my counter)This song is from Shrek.
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: The song playing was in Shrek.
Me: Oh, yeah. It was. What can I get you?
Customer: Nothing. I just wanted to tell you about the song.
Order Up
Customer: All this meat looks raw.
Me: Um…it is raw.
Customer: Can you cook it?
Me: I don’t really have a way to do that.
Customer: What type of restaurant is this?!
Me: It’s a grocery store.
Customer: Still. Come on!
listen Carefully
Customer: Two pounds of flounder.
Me: Two pounds?
Customer: Yes. (Holding up two fingers) Two pounds.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: How much is that?
Me: Two pounds on the dot.
Customer: I can’t eat all that. I didn’t want two pounds. I said a pound and a quarter. You should listen better!
Change My Mind
Customer: One pound of swordfish.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I read the sign wrong. I thought it was $5.99 not $15.99. Can I switch it out for the snapper?
Me: Sure. Here ya go.
Customer: I said snapper.
Me: That’s what I gave you.
Customer: (pointing) Snapper.
Me: That’s flounder. The signs are in front of the fish; that’s snapper behind the flounder.
Customer: I’ll do the flounder.
Me: Here ya go.
Customer: Wait. The flounder is way more expensive. I’ll take the snapper.
Me: Here ya go.
Feeling Old
Customer: Why are the T-bones so cheap?
Me: They’re just the sale item this week.
Customer: What’s wrong with them? Are they old?
Me: No. I just got them in. They’re just on sale.
Customer: No way. I know how you operate. You put old stuff on sale. I’m not falling for that!
(She proceeds to buy a fillet mignon, the sale item from last week)
Budgeting
Me: Can I get you anything?
Customer: The shrimp looks great, but I can’t afford it. I spent all my money on beer and hookers.
Me: (laughing) I hear ya!
Customer: No! I’m serious, kid.
Good One
Customer: Four tenderloin steaks. I want good ones.
Me: Sure thing!
(I pick out four steaks)
Customer: I said good ones!!
Me: I’m sorry. Which ones would you like?
Customer: (after looking for a minute) I guess the four you picked.
Time Is Of The Essence
Customer: When were these steaks cut?
Me: We cut this case fresh every morning.
Customer: How long have they been out here?
Me: I cut them 1 hour ago.
Customer: Anything fresher?
Dinner Time
Me: Here are your crab legs. Careful they’re hot. I just took them out of the steamer.
Customer: Can you steam a pound of shrimp too?
Me: Sure.
(She opens the bag and starts eating the crab. )
Customer: You want one?
Me: No thanks.
(I give her the shrimp and notice she’s cracked open a beer and is drinking it)
Customer: You want anything from the store?
Me: Um....I’m good.
So Far Away
Customer: Where’s the deli?
Me: On the other side of the store.
Customer: Jesus. Why?!?!
Down On The Farm
Customer: There’s so many types of Salmon. Why is that? What’s the difference between Farm Raised Salmon and Wild Caught Salmon?
(I go into all of the differences between the types of salmon. Dietary differences, environmental differences, etc)
Customer: (blank stare)
Me: The Farm Raised Salmon is…raised on a farm. The Wild Caught is..um…caught in the wild.
Customer: Okay. I’ll take the farm raised.
Warm It Up
Me: Here are your crab legs.
Customer: Can you fill the bag with hot water? I want to eat them in my car.
Me: I have a steamer I can throw them in, if you want.
Customer: What?!? That’s crazy!!!! Just fill the bag with warm water. I’ll dump it outside.
Don’t Get Fresh
Customer: What do you mean the Alaskan Salmon is previously frozen?!?
Me: The season hasn’t opened in Alaska yet. We’ll get the fresh stuff in a few more weeks.
Customer: You shouldn’t label it wild then. Wild means not frozen.
Me: Um...:Wild means it isn’t farm raised.
Customer: Suuure....then what do you label it when it’s fresh?!?
Me: Um.....well.....it will be labeled fresh.
Focus
Customer: Can I have a little over a pound and a half of hamburger?
Me: Sure thing.
Customer: How much was that?
Me: 1.65 lbs.
Customer: That’s a lot. Take out a pound. I just want a little over half a pound.
Me: Okay.
Customer: You need to focus a bit more. There’s no way I could eat that by myself.
Me: I didn’t know you wanted one serving.
Customer: First day?
Armistice
Me: Here you go! Have a good day!
Customer: Truce!!
How Much Is That Shrimp In The Window
Customer: One pound of shrimp.
Me: Sure thing!
(I start putting shrimp in a bag. I stop to throw it on the scale to see where I’m at)
Customer: Can I look at that?
(I show him how much is in the bag)
Customer: How much is that?
Me: (putting it back on the scale) 3/4 of a pound.
Customer: I wanted a pound.
Me: I wasn’t finished yet.
(I put some more shrimp in the bag)
Customer:Okay. That’s fine right there.
(I put in on the scale to print a price)
Customer: How much was it?
Me: .87 of a pound.
Customer: ONE POUND!! How hard is that?!
Easy Come Easy Go
Customer: One pound of crab legs.
Me: Yes sir. (I start to sort through the crab legs for good looking ones)
Customer: Not that one. I want that one in front.
Me: (reaching towards the front) I can’t really see in the counter. This one?
Customer: NO! The front one. Damn.
(I get the crab legs priced. He takes them and throws a bill on the counter.)
Customer: Thanks.
(I pick up the HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL he left me.)
(He runs back over.)
Customer: Give that back!
(I hand him the hundred. He hands me a one dollar bill.)
Me: Have a nice day.
I See You
Customer: I want this crab leg.
Me: You have to help me out a little. I can’t see through the case from back here.
Customer: It’s right here. Where my hand is.
Me: This one? I can’t see your hand.
Customer: I don’t know how else to describe it, dude. Better figure it out.
Me: The one to the left? Or the right?
Customer: Left. Sorry. I should have just said that.
Southern Salmon
Customer: Where’s your local salmon?
Me: We don’t get salmon from around here.
Customer: Why the hell not?!
Me: There isn’t salmon that comes from Charleston.
Customer: You don’t know what you’re talking about!! I’ve gotten Cooper River Salmon here before. The Cooper River is right out back! I mean, hello?
Me: We get Copper River Salmon from the Copper River in Alaska. The season opens up next month.
Customer: You guys should label it better.
Like A Lamb to Slaughter
Customer: Where’s your lamb?
Me: Right here!
Customer: I’m not Jewish.
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: I want normal lamb. I’m not Jewish.
Me: I’m still not following.
Customer: (Holding up package) “Seder farms.” I’m not Jewish! I want normal lamb!
Me: That’s pronounced “Cedar Farms”. It’s the brand name.
Customer: Ah.