Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I’d like 28 shrimp, please.
(I start counting them out)
Customer: What’s the difference between these crab cakes?
Me: Just a second.
Customer: Excuse me! What is the difference between these crab cakes?
(I stop counting)
Me: The ones on the left use all jumbo lump crab meat.
Customer: Why aren’t you done with my shrimp?
Me: Sorry.
(I start counting again)
Customer: How do I cook the monk fish?
Customer: Oh my god! Those crawfish are crawling around!
Me: Yes, ma’am! Fresh live crawfish! Do you want some?
Customer: Oh god, no! I don’t want to eat anything that was alive. I’ll take a pound of the shrimp.
Customer: Are you guys gonna make down this ham?
Me: No, sir. It’s not going out of date for a while.
Customer: But yesterday was Easter! They’re marking down all the Easter candy!
Me: Yes, sir. But hams generally are good for a few months!
(He scoffs and walks away)
Me: Which steak would you like?
Customer: (pointing) That one.
Me: I can’t really see through the case. Which one are you talking about.
Customer: (tapping the glass) That one!
Me: The glass distorts the image on my side. Do you mean the front one? Or the one behind it? Or..?
Customer: (tapping harder and faster on the glass) That one.
Customer: I guess someone forgot to set their alarm.
Me: What?
Customer: Aww....somebody overslept.
Me: I still don’t understand.
Customer: Where is everything? You just get here?
Me: The department doesn’t open for another 3 hours. We’re setting up now.
Customer: Well.....you should have a sign.
(I point to the sign, that is directly in front of her)
Customer: Could you please get me some salmon out of the back...please.
Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?
Me: No, ma’am. Those are all I have. We don’t get in many for Easter.
Customer: You must not be a Christian.
Me: Wait. What?!
Customer: If you served a risen savior, you’d be more upset that you ruined my Easter. I’ll be praying for you.
Customer: I want those front two porterhouse steaks. Can you slice them in half?
Me: They’re a little to small for me to put back on the saw. I’ve got some thinner ones here or I can cut-
Customer: Somebody doesn’t feel like working today.
Me: I was saying I can cut you some thinner ones off of the loin I’m cutting now.
Customer: Let’s do that.
(The phone rings)
Me: Meat department. How may I hel-
Customer: What’s the type of steak that’s not a fillet mignon?
Me: That can be a lot of things. Ribeyes, porterhouses, T-bone steaks, New York Strips.
Customer: New York strips! That’s it!
(He hangs up)
Customer: Do you have any salmon besides the Alaskan?
Me: I’ve got some farm raised from Chile.
Customer: CHILE IS ON THE PACIFIC COAST!! ITS THE SAME SALMON!!! BUY A MAP!!!
Me: Here's your shrimp.
Customer: Yeah. Thanks. You got any pork chops? All I see is fish.
Me: This is my seafood case. I’ve got a meat case right there.
Customer: Uh...you got steaks too?
Me: Um....yeah...same counter. We've got a full selection of meat. Beef, Pork, chicken, turkey....
Customer: You guys rock.
(A customer is looking intently at the steaks in the counter)
Me: Good morning! How are you doing today?
Customer: Don’t get me started!!!!!
(He walks away)
Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.
Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.
Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.
Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!
Customer: Whatever, Asshole!
(They slam the phone down)
Customer: How many shrimp come in a pound?
Me: I can’t see which ones you’re pointing at. Which ones did you mean?
Customer: (reading the sign) Its the 21/30 count Argentinian pink shrimp.
Me: There’s 21 to 30 in a pound.
Customer: Where are they from?
Me: ....Argentina
Customer: Do you have subs?
Me: They do on the other side of the store.
Customer: But....but...but that’s on the other side of the store!
(He rolls his eyes and stomps away)
Customer: How many shrimp come in a pound?
Me: There are roughly 20-30 shrimp in each pound.
Customer: I’ll take 3 pounds.
(I bag it up)
Customer: So how many shrimp are in there?
Me: About 60-90.
Customer: That’s way to many for two people! Take out a pound.
(I rebag them)
Customer: How many shrimp are in the bag?
Customer: I’d like a half a pound of shrimp. Pick me out some nice ones.
(I take a few seconds and grab what, to me, looks like the biggest shrimp)
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I asked you to hand pick them and you didn’t.
Me: I grabbed the biggest...
(he throws the bag back. It lands on the floor beside me)
Customer: I don’t want them.
Customer: Can you weigh this front flounder?
Me: Sure thing!
(I start walking towards the counter)
Customer: Thank you. I appreciate that.
(He drives away in his motorized shopping cart)
Me: Sir?
(He doesn’t stop. He never comes back. )
Customer: Is this shrimp local?
Me: Are you pointing to the ones on your right? Because those are local.
Customer: I’m pointing at the ones with the little “local flags” on top of them.
Me: ....Yes. Those are local.
Customer: I want 7 containers of your smoked salmon and I want each one to be $6.50.
Me: Okay. It’s gonna take me like 5 or 6 minutes to weigh those out so I get the price right.
(He walks away and returns like 90 seconds later)
Customer: You’re still not done?!??
Me: I’m finishing up the last few right now.
Customer: I can’t believe you’ve been doing this the whole time. I’m the customer! You’re supposed to take care of me! Don’t get distracted by other things, I was here first!!
Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.
Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.
Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.
Me: Well, you have to thaw it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. )
Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.