Busy Bee

Customer: I want a pound of ground chuck! Wait, where is it?  

Me: We don’t actually open for another two hours so it’s not in the case right now. I was actually getting ready to grind it. If you give me a minute, I can have it ready.  

Customer: I don’t have time to wait.  

Me: It won’t take long; I’m holding the grinder parts right now. Give me literally 60 seconds and I’ll have some done for you.  

Customer: I don’t have time! What does that even mean “you don’t open for another two hours?!” What makes it take so long?! 

Me: It takes time to cut and grind everything fresh every morning. I can get it for you right now  

Customer: I’m busy! 

(She storms off) 

Reading Is Fundamental

Customer: (dropping a bag of half eaten steaks inside a plastic bag on the counter) These were the toughest fillet mignons I’ve ever eaten. You must have cut them wrong. 

Me: (Looking at them)   They’re not fillets. These are eye of round steaks. 

Customer: I don’t know the difference. You idiots should have labeled them better.  

Me: (Looking at the label that clearly says “eye of round steaks.”) Yes sir. Sorry about that. 

HELP!

(I’m filling up the counter in my department)  

Customer: (One aisle over, screaming at the top of her lungs.) HELP!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!! OH GOD, I NEED HELP!!!!

(I run over to the aisle, because it sounds like someone is being attacked or that they fell and seriously hurt themselves.)  

Customer: HELP ME PLEASE.....(seeing me) Oh, good. I can’t reach this can of tomatoes. Can you reach it for me?  

Fork You

Customer: I need a fork.  

Me: I’m sorry. I don’t have any here. They have some forks on the other side of the store in the deli.  

Customer: I only need one.  

Me: The deli has individual forks. They’re free.  

Customer: Well, why don’t you have any?  

Me: Nothing I have here is ready to eat.  

Customer: That’s insane.  

It’s A Long Story

(The Phone rings)  

Me: Meat department. How may I help you?  

Customer: I was in the store yesterday with my nephew. Last week I got some of those snow crab legs. They were so good. I ate them when my sister was over. She was so mad that I wouldn’t give her any, but they were mine! So I was in there yesterday with my nephew. I thought I’d sure like some more of those snow crab. So I had the guy behind the counter bag me up three pounds. Then I thought I should get some more. So I had him throw a few more in. I went home and cooked them. I had some rice with them. It was some of that wild rice. I thought it would match up with the snow crab. Sometimes I do potatoes with crab, but I really wanted rice. The crab turned out so dry.  

Me: I’m sorry—

Customer: Now I know how to cook crab. I’ve been cooking crab since I was a kid. My mother taught me how, I used to help her when I was younger. She’d bring home crab and say, “It’s time to cook up some crab!”, and I’d help her. This crab was so dry. I have never had crab that was this dry.  

Me: I’m sorry that— 

Customer: It was so dry. I want you to know that I cooked it just like I alway do. I didn’t change anything, except for the rice, like I told you. I used some old bay and some lemon like I always do. They were dry. I like crab, but this was dry. The rice was good, but the crab was dry. 

Me: (waiting a second to see if she was done) I’m sorry that happened.  

Customer : What can you do to take care of me? 

Me: I can’t do anything over the phone, but if you want to come in, we can give you a refund or some more crab for free.  

Customer: Normally, I’d take the crab, but it was so dry. I think I’ll wait a little bit before I get anymore. A refund would work. I could buy something else. I was thinking of getting a roast. I could use that money for that. I like a good roast and the weather is perfect for it.  

Me: Great. Well, come on in; we’ll take good care of you.  

Customer: This is the store in Summerville?  

Me: No, ma’am. This is the store downtown.  

Customer: Whoops! Never mind!  

 

Misinformation

Customer: This is disgusting! You support LONG LINE FISHING?!?! 

Me: I’m sorry?  

Customer: This sign says the tuna was long line caught. That’s irresponsible. Do you know what that does to the environment? 

Me: Long line isn’t destructive. They bait individual hooks so they can bring up only what they need. I think you’re thinking of trawling. They drag a net along the ocean floor, it’s the only way to catch shrimp or bottom dwelling fish.  

Customer: That’s what I meant. I thought it was called long line fishing.  

(She looks at the counter for a few seconds.) 

Customer: This sign says the flounder is trawl caught. That’s disgusting. How can you support that?! I’d like to speak to a manager. You need to tell your corporate offices to stop this!  

Me: I’ll get you a manager.  

Where’d I Lose You?

Customer: (staring at an empty counter with the lights turned out) Yo! Where’s your shrimp?  

Me: Well, sir, we don’t actually open for another 3 hours. I haven’t started setting seafood up yet. 

Customer: You got any fresh shrimp; I wanted a pound.  

Me: (Walking towards the back cooler) I haven’t started setting up yet, so I don’t know what I have in the back from last night. Let me go to the back and check for you. I should have some left.  

Customer: Damn, man! You can’t fucking go get me some?!? 

Me: Um...that’s what I’m doing. I just wanted to tell you that I had to check first. I don’t know what’s back there.  

Customer: You should open earlier. 

I’ll Give You A Tip

Customer: I’ll take three of those rib steaks.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. Coming right up!  

Customer: Can you season them?  

Me: All I’ve got is Montreal seasoning. That okay?  

Customer: Yes please!  

(I season then and pack them up )  

Me: Here you go!  

Customer: (Forcing a $10 bill into my hand) Thanks. Merry Christmas!  

Me: Oh, you don’t have to do that. All I did was put some seasoning on it.  

Customer: It’s Christmas Eve. If I can’t tip you now, when can I. You can either take it, or I’m dropping it on the floor and some random person is getting it.  

Me: (accepting the tip) Thank you. Merry Christmas.  

Customer: That’s more like it. Merry Christmas!  

Annie, Are You Okay

Customer: (on phone) So if you could hold that turkey for me, I’ll be in the store in a few hours. 

Me: Sure thing, ma’am. I just need your name.  

Customer: It’s Annie.  Spelled A-N-N-I-E

Me: I’ll have it waiting for you.  

Customer: Great. The name is Annie.  

Me: Got it. That’s actually my niece’s name- 

Customer: A-N-N-I-E

Me: I’ll see you when you get here. 

Customer: Make sure you hold it in the back. Name’s Annie. A-N-N-I-E 

Where The Roasts Have No Names

Customer: I’m here to pick up a rib roast for Hoffman.

(I go to the back, but I don’t see a roast for Hoffman. I check our order book, there isn’t even an order for Hoffman. )

Me: I’m sorry. It looks like they didn’t write it down. I’ve got plenty, and they’re real quick to cut. Just give me like 5 mins. How big did you want?

Customer: Unbelievable! I don’t know how much we need. My daughter made the order! Hold on!

(He pulls out his phone and dials. )

Customer: (loud enough for me to hear) Yeah, honey? These MORONS didn’t save a roast for us. How big did we need? (To me)She says she spoke to Trevor.

Me: I’m sorry. I didn’t see an order for Hoffman.

Customer: Thy don’t even have an order for Hoffman......oh.....I didn’t.....(to me) It’s under her name; McClure.

(I go into the back and give him the roast we had saved for McClure. )

Customer:  Um....thanks. Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Last Minute Shopping

Customer : Andy, I think it's bullshit that you're closed tomorrow.

Me: Why is that, Joe?

Customer : You got to think about tourists. They would come in here looking for food. If you're closed, they'll have to go to a restaurant. Then they're pissed and they won't spend money at my store.

Me: What is it you sell again?

Customer : I sell toys at the market.

Me: you expecting a lot of toy business on Christmas day?

Customer : Well, now I'm not.

Ground Beef

Customer: I’d like a rib roast with out any bones.  

Me: So a bone in rib roast with the bones cut off.  

Customer: No. I don’t want there to be any bones.  

Me: Well, I can give you a bones ribeye roast, but it’s more expensive that way. It works out to be cheaper if you buy the bone in one and I cut it off. Plus you can keep the back ribs I cut off.  

Customer: I don’t want there to have been any bones....like ever. 

Me: I don’t understand.  

Customer: I read that up north they’re raising cattle with no bones.  

Me: I don’t think I’ve heard of that.  

Customer: I read an internet article.  

Can You Be More Specific

Customer: I need to put in an order for some fondue meat. 

Me: Sure thing! How much are you looking to get?  

Customer: A lot!  

Me: Um...okay. How much is that?  

(Blank Stare)  

Me: How many people are you  serving?  

Customer: A bunch!  

Me: If you tell me a rough estimate, I can figure out how much you need. Roughly, 8oz is a serving size.  

(Blank Stare)  

Customer’s Wife: Jesus, Ed. It’s not that hard. We’re serving 7 people for Christmas.  

Me: Okay. I can do that! When would you like to pick it up?  

Customer: The 21st, the 22nd, or the 23rd. Or maybe I’ll come in on the 24th! I’ll let you know when I show up!! 

 

 

No Strings Attached

Me: Here’s your tenderloin!  

Customer: Can I get some more string? 

Me: Sure. It is already tied though.  

Customer: Yeah, but it tapers off on this side.  

Me: Yes, ma’am. All tenderloins do. they’re not an even piece of meat. We tie this part under, so it’s as close to the same size as it can be. 

Customer:  You might need more practice. I asked this man (points to other customer) he said one side is bigger. 

Customer 2: I....well....it is.....but that’s how they come.  

Customer: Well, what do you guys know?  

Customer 2: I’m a chef; he’s a butcher. 

Customer: (rolls her eyes and walks away)  

 

The Tenderloin of Christmas Past

Coworker: This customer brought this tenderloin back for us to trim.  

Me: We’re really not supposed to do that once it’s left the store.  

Coworker: I already told her yes.  

Me: Okay.  

(I open the tenderloin and start trying to trim it. It starts  disintegrating in my hands; practically turning into water)  

(I look at the date on the wrapper. I can barely make out 1/12) 

Me: Um....there’s something wrong with your tenderloin.  

Customer: I bought it here!  

Me: When did you buy it?  

Customer: Last January.  

Me: So like a year ago?!?! 

Customer: I put in the freezer. I took it out three weeks ago to thaw out.  

Me: Ma’am, you can’t serve this tenderloin. You’ll make someone sick.  

Customer: But it’s Christmas!