Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: $16.99 a pound is too expensive for this shrimp.
Me: You’re not paying full price, it’s on sale for $11.99.
Customer: Why are they $16.99?
Me: It costs more when they are peeled and deveined. Also they’re on sale for $11.99.
Customer: I don’t want them. That’s not market price.
(A little old lady comes to the counter)
Me: Hi! How can I…
Customer: There are my goddamned steaks! Two of those babies!
Me: Have a great day!
Customer: It is now that I have my damned steaks!
(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)
(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )
Me: Um…excuse me.
Customer: Aww man! You saw that?
Me: Yes. I did.
(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )
Me: I don’t want to touch that!
Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.
Customer: I want some haddock.
Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m all sold out of the haddock.
Customer: Can’t you go in the back and make me a haddock?
Me: Haddock is a fish.
Customer: Yeah. Can you make me one?
Customer: It’s downright un-American to make you work today.
Me: Well, as long as people are shopping, we need to be here.
Customer: I don’t believe in that. So I won’t be buying any meat today.
Me: Um…thanks.
Customer: What aisle are chips on? I’m supposed to pick some up.
Customer: Where’s the tuna?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: How the hell can you be out?! Your app says you have it. Right here; “While supplies last: Fresh tuna.”
Me: I’m really sorry, but I’ve sold out.
Customer: You shouldn’t guarantee you’ll have it then!
Me: Are you ready?
Customer: Yes!
Me: (walking over) What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t know yet.
Me: Oh....uh...that’s cool. Just let me know when you’re ready.
(I turn to walk away)
Customer: I’m ready.
Me: What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t know yet.
Customer: You got any mayo packets?
Me: No, Sir. They do in the deli on the other side of the store.
Customer: You should have them over here too!
Me: I don’t have ready to eat stuff over here.
Customer: Yeah…well…. I don’t want to walk around for stuff. You should have saved me a trip.
Customer: How can you be out of the fresh shrimp?!?! I just got some yesterday!
Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. The shrimp runs “while supply last.” I’m all out right now.
Customer: This is bullshit!!!! I wanted more!!! Even though I have a sore throat and it hurts to yell, I’m still yelling at you!!! That’s how angry I am!!!
Customer: (ringing the bell on my counter)This song is from Shrek.
Me: I’m sorry?
Customer: The song playing was in Shrek.
Me: Oh, yeah. It was. What can I get you?
Customer: Nothing. I just wanted to tell you about the song.
Customer: All this meat looks raw.
Me: Um…it is raw.
Customer: Can you cook it?
Me: I don’t really have a way to do that.
Customer: What type of restaurant is this?!
Me: It’s a grocery store.
Customer: Still. Come on!
Customer: Two pounds of flounder.
Me: Two pounds?
Customer: Yes. (Holding up two fingers) Two pounds.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: How much is that?
Me: Two pounds on the dot.
Customer: I can’t eat all that. I didn’t want two pounds. I said a pound and a quarter. You should listen better!
Customer: One pound of swordfish.
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I read the sign wrong. I thought it was $5.99 not $15.99. Can I switch it out for the snapper?
Me: Sure. Here ya go.
Customer: I said snapper.
Me: That’s what I gave you.
Customer: (pointing) Snapper.
Me: That’s flounder. The signs are in front of the fish; that’s snapper behind the flounder.
Customer: I’ll do the flounder.
Me: Here ya go.
Customer: Wait. The flounder is way more expensive. I’ll take the snapper.
Me: Here ya go.
Customer: Why are the T-bones so cheap?
Me: They’re just the sale item this week.
Customer: What’s wrong with them? Are they old?
Me: No. I just got them in. They’re just on sale.
Customer: No way. I know how you operate. You put old stuff on sale. I’m not falling for that!
(She proceeds to buy a fillet mignon, the sale item from last week)
Me: Can I get you anything?
Customer: The shrimp looks great, but I can’t afford it. I spent all my money on beer and hookers.
Me: (laughing) I hear ya!
Customer: No! I’m serious, kid.
Customer: Four tenderloin steaks. I want good ones.
Me: Sure thing!
(I pick out four steaks)
Customer: I said good ones!!
Me: I’m sorry. Which ones would you like?
Customer: (after looking for a minute) I guess the four you picked.
Customer: When were these steaks cut?
Me: We cut this case fresh every morning.
Customer: How long have they been out here?
Me: I cut them 1 hour ago.
Customer: Anything fresher?
Me: Here are your crab legs. Careful they’re hot. I just took them out of the steamer.
Customer: Can you steam a pound of shrimp too?
Me: Sure.
(She opens the bag and starts eating the crab. )
Customer: You want one?
Me: No thanks.
(I give her the shrimp and notice she’s cracked open a beer and is drinking it)
Customer: You want anything from the store?
Me: Um....I’m good.
Customer: Where’s the deli?
Me: On the other side of the store.
Customer: Jesus. Why?!?!
Customer: There’s so many types of Salmon. Why is that? What’s the difference between Farm Raised Salmon and Wild Caught Salmon?
(I go into all of the differences between the types of salmon. Dietary differences, environmental differences, etc)
Customer: (blank stare)
Me: The Farm Raised Salmon is…raised on a farm. The Wild Caught is..um…caught in the wild.
Customer: Okay. I’ll take the farm raised.