Show and Smell

Customer: Can I smell the salmon?

Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.

Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.

Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.

Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.

Bag It Up

Customer: I want a pound of shrimp, but I want you to get a new box of bags from the back to put them in.

Me: Um….okay.

(I go to the back and emerge with a new box.)

Customer: No! That box is already open. Go get another. I want to watch you open it.

(I get an unopened box, open it while she stares at me, get a bag and put her shrimp in it. )

Customer: Much better.

Sound Of Silence

Me: Hi! How are you today?

(The Customer looks up at me, says nothing, then looks back down.)

Me: (10 seconds later) Can I get you anything today?

(Customer looks up at me then looks back down.)

Me: (10 seconds later) : Just let me know if you need anything.

(Looks up and down again)

(I walk away)

Customer: Come back! I need help.

Me: What can I get you?

(Customer looks up at me, says nothing, looks back down.)

(I stand there while she shops around. She leaves without saying anything.)

Ice Ice Baby

Customer: I want a bag of ice.

(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)

Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.

(I turn to go get more ice.)

Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.

Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.

Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?

Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.

And…Cut!

Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.

Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.

Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?

Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.

Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.

Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.

(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )

Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.

(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)

Me: Here are your hocks.

Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.

Anything Else?

Me: Here’s your shrimp. Anything else I can get you?

Customer: That’s it.

Me: Have a nice da-

Customer: I want some steaks. Two ribeyes.

Me: Anything else?

Customer: No.

Me: Have a-

Customer: Three pork chops.

Me: Okay. Is that all?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Here you go-

Customer: One salmon fillet.

Me: Sure. Will that complete your order?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Have-

Customer: I want chicken breasts.

(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)

(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )

Me: Um…excuse me.

Customer: Aww man! You saw that?

Me: Yes. I did.

(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )

Me: I don’t want to touch that!

Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.