Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: What do you put on your steaks to make it red?
Me: We don’t put anything on it.
Customer: Why is it so red?
Me: It turns red when it reacts with the air.
Customer: When I get meat in restaurants, it’s brown.
Me: It turns brown when you cook it.
(He looks at me skeptically)
Customer: Are you sure? I don’t think so.
Customer: I want to put these shrimp in an Alfredo sauce. Would they work?
Me: Of course!
Customer: Could I use these clams too? I’ve never cooked clams before.
(I spend a few minutes explaining to him how to cook them, what else to add to the sauce, etc. I take him over to the spice aisle and get him everything he needs)
Customer: Thanks, man!
Me: Have a good day!
(Five minutes later the Customer Service Clerk walks back)
Clerk: Did you help the guy with the seafood and all the sauces and stuff?
Me: I did.
Clerk: He shoved all that stuff into his book bag and left without paying.
Customer: One pound of shrimp, please.
Me: Yes, ma’am!
(I bag up some shrimp. It weighs 1.02 lbs)
Customer: I said a pound. I don’t want more than that.
(I pull out a shrimp. It now weighs .99 lbs)
Customer: Are you deaf?! One pound!
(I try shrimp after shrimp until I get one that brings the total to one pound even)
Customer: It shouldn’t have been that hard.
(A man walks to the counter.)
Me: Can I help you with anything?
Customer: No. I need to wait and check with the boss.
Me: Alright. After you check with the boss, let me know what I can get you.
(I go back to work)
Coworker: How can I help you?
Customer: I’m waiting for my wife.
(He goes back to work. )
(A few seconds later his wife, “The Boss” walks up. She she’s her husband waiting by the counter)
The Boss: (gesturing in disbelief at my coworker and me) Is anybody helping you?!?!
Customer: No. I wanted....
The Boss: Hello!!!! Can we get some damn help here?!?!?!
Me: (running over) I’m sorry, ma’am. I asked your husband if he needed help.
Customer: He asked. I was waiting for you.
Me: What can I get you?
(The Boss then spends 40 seconds looking over the case and talking with her husband. I stand there; I don’t dare walk away)
The Boss: Do you have hamburger that’s leaner than this?
Me: I do in the counter out there. It’s already priced, you can grab whatever you want.
(She storms off with her husband trailing behind. )
Customer: How many shrimp are in a pound?
Me: There's about 30-40 in a pound.
Customer: Okay. I'll take a pound please.
(I start getting the shrimp)
Customer: Wait! Wait! Wait! I haven't told you which shrimp I wanted.
Me: I'm sorry. I thought you were pointing to this shrimp here in the middle.
Customer: That's right. But I haven't told you which shrimp yet. There's one sitting here near the front that I want.
(I try to reach the shrimp she's pointing at. Keep in mind because of the glass, I can't really tell where she is pointing)
Customer: No. Not that one. To the left. No. My left. Yes, that one. Now near the back is another one I want. It's kinda pointed to the left.
(After she hand selects each shrimp, I put the bag on the scale.)
Me: It's a little over a pound.
Customer: Take five shrimp out.
(I reach into the bag.)
Customer: Wait! Wait! dump them out, so I can tell you which five I'd like to lose.
Customer: I’d like a pound and a half of salmon.
Me: Sure thing! Would you like the farm raised or the wild caught?
Customer: Oh god, the wild salmon. Never farm raised. That’s disgusting and wrong.
Me: Anything else?
Customer: Yes. Two pounds of boneless chicken breast.
(I start to fill a tray with the chicken. She stops me.)
Customer: Wait, young man. This is fresh, yes?
Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s fresh, never frozen.
Customer: And its wild caught, hmmmm?
Me: Um...no, ma’am. Its farm raised. All chicken is farm raised.
Customer: That can’t be! Why the hell would that be true?!
Me: I mean, no one is going out and....um...hunting chickens.
Customer: Maybe not here!
(She walks away)
Customer: Is this Wreckfish east coast or west coast Wreckfish?
Me: (gesturing to the sign that says “Local Item”) It’s local! We just got it in.
Customer: Sooooooo.....it’s......
Me: It’s east coast Wreckfish.
Customer: You really should put that on the sign. Might sell some more.
Customer : Oh, it is so horrible that we kill Mahi. They are such beautiful fish. Have you ever caught one?
Me: I don’t really do a lot of fishing.
Customer: They’re gorgeous! They turn all sorts of colors. Like a rainbow.
Me: Wow. I didn’t know that.
Customer: And then we kill them. It’s tragic. Disgusting.
Me: Yeah, that’s rough.
Customer: I’ll take two filets of the Mahi.
Me: Yes, sir.
Me: Anything else I can get you?
Customer: Do you have any crab cakes?
Me: I do! I have three varieties. Which one did you want?
Customer: Do you have crab cakes?
Me: (pointing to the three types of crab cakes I have) Right here. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Crab cakes! (Acting like I’m just not getting it) Crab Cakes!
Me: These are all of the varieties I carry.
Customer: I want the kind in the crab shell.
Me: Oh, the deviled crabs. I don’t have any of them right now.
Customer: I call them crab cakes.
Me: Is there anything else I can get you?
Customer: I’ll take this front piece of tuna.
(I go to get the tuna in the front of the case.)
Customer: Front! Front!
(I move my hand around to all of the tuna steaks in the front of the case.)
Customer: Front! Front!!
(I move my hand to the back of the case)
Customer: Yes, that one. I call that the front.
Customer: Is this company based overseas?
Me: Um....no. Our corporate offices are in North Carolina.
Customer: Man, this company must really hate America.
Me: I'm sorry?
Customer: If they loved America. They wouldn't make you work today.
Me: Well...they just want us to be here for any customers that need something.
Customer: If I owned a company, I wouldn't make my employees work.
Me: That's cool. I'm sure they would appreciate that.
Customer: Yeah......So can I get 3lbs of Chicken.
Me: Yes, Sir.
Customer: How many of these shrimp come in a pound?
Me: There are about 13-15 shrimp in a pound.
Customer: I only want a pound. Don’t go over. I’ll take 15.
(I start to count out 15 shrimp, working to pick ones that will get him close to a pound)
Customer: I don’t want that smaller one! I want this big one!
Me: The bigger shrimp will put it closer to 13 rather than 15.
Customer: Oh I see! You’re trying to short me by giving me the smallest shrimp!
Me: Sir, they’re sold by the pound. A pound will always cost the same no matter how many shrimp.
Customer: Keep them! I don’t want anything from someone trying to cheat me! You do you!
(He storms off)
Customer: I just want you to know, that lobster tail I bought from you was the toughest thing I’ve ever eaten!
Me: How did you cook it?
Customer: Cook it?
Me: Um....yeah. They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
(Long pause)
Customer: ….Oh Lord Jesus, what did I do?
(She just walks away.)
Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?
Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.
Customer: So it’s not tender?
Me: Not really. I....
Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!
(She turns and walks away)
(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)
Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.
(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)
Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!
Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.
Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.
Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.
Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!
Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.
Customer: Then what is it?
Me: Um…the spinal cord.
Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?
Customer: Do you do rotisserie chickens here?
Me: They do in the deli on the other side of the store.
Customer: We're not familiar with the store. Where is that?
Me: The deli is on the opposite side of the store.
Customer: We. Are. Not. Regular. Customers. Do you have a place with cooked foods like rotisserie chickens?!
Me: Yes, ma'am. The deli does. It is as far as you can walk that way, on the other side of the store from us.
Customer: You should have answered my question the first time.
Customer: I was looking for peeled and deveined shrimp. I’m making shrimp creole.
Me: I’ve got some peeled and deveined shrimp right here.
Customer: I don’t want cooked. I want to make shrimp creole.
Me: They’re not cooked. They’re raw.
Customer: (sigh) I’m craving shrimp creole. I was gonna make some.
Me: Um....would you like some of these?
Customer: Show me what half a pound looks like. I want them for shrimp creole.
(I bag up half a pound)
Me: This is half a pound.
Customer: They’re so big. I want them for shrimp creole. How about these smaller ones. Give me half a pound.
(I bag up the smaller shrimp)
Me: Anything else?
Customer: (taking the shrimp) I’m making shrimp creole.
Customer : Is this the tilapia that's on sale?
Me: Let me check. This is my first day working this sale.
Customer: The sign says it's on sale.
Me: Then yes. That's the tilapia on sale.
CUSTOMER: Do you have anymore of the salmon?
ME: Yes, I do. In the Freezer.
CUSTOMER: Is it frozen?
Customer: This is crap! Look at this! This is disgraceful!
Me: Um..I’m sorry?
Customer: Look at all this FARM RAISED SHRIMP!!! Imported from Asia! This company should be ashamed of itself. What about wild caught local shrimp. This is disgusting!
Me: I have wild caught shrimp right here. It’s wild caught from Georgia. We haven’t started getting local shrimp yet, but this is fresh and wild caught.
(He stares at the shrimp and the $10.99 price tag.)
Customer: (After a few seconds) I’ll take a pound of the $6.99 shrimp.
Me: Yes sir.
(I get him a pound of the farm raised $6.99lb shrimp from Thailand.)
(While working the counter, I smell smoke. I check around and find out that the chicken case has caught on fire.)
(I yell for the guy I'm working with. He grabs a fire extinguisher and I start moving stuff in the case so we can get to the growing electrical fire. )
(A customer approaches. He sees this: I'm holding up a shelf so that my coworker can get the extinguisher close to the VISIBLE FLAMES.)
Customer: Do you guys have anymore hams?
Me: Yeah. I'll get them after we take care of this.
Customer: (agitated) Is there anyone else that can help me?
Me: No. Is just us. I'll get them as soon as the fire is out.
Customer: Could you hurry?