Real Job

Customer :Do you have any London Broils?

Me: I’m sorry, sir.  I'm out right now. I’ll have some tomorrow, but I don’t have any right now.

Customer : That's fucking great! What the fuck are we going to eat now?

His wife: Honey,  it's okay.  Don't talk to him like that.

Customer : Fuck that.  If he doesn't want to be talked too like this,  he'd have a real job.

Where Am I?

Customer: (looking around the meat department) Do you guys have fresh bread around here?

Me: Yeah. We've got a bakery on (I make a gesture indicating the direction) the other side of the store.

Customer: (turning to look directly behind her at the frozen seafood case) Where? Behind me? (She opens a door, revealing frozen shrimp) Where's the bread?

Me: Um... is on the other side of the store. You have to walk down this aisle.

To Go Order

Customer: I want to put these shrimp in an Alfredo sauce. Would they work?

Me: Of course!

Customer: Could I use these clams too? I’ve never cooked clams before.

(I spend a few minutes explaining to him how to cook them, what else to add to the sauce, etc. I take him over to the spice aisle and get him everything he needs)

Customer: Thanks, man!

Me: Have a good day!

(Five minutes later the Customer Service Clerk walks back)

Clerk: Did you help the guy with the seafood and all the sauces and stuff?

Me: I did.

Clerk: He shoved all that stuff into his book bag and left without paying.

The Boss

 (A man walks to the counter.)

Me: Can I help you with anything?

Customer: No. I need to wait and check with the boss.

Me: Alright. After you check with the boss, let me know what I can get you.

(I go back to work)

Coworker: How can I help you?

Customer: I’m waiting for my wife.

(He goes back to work. )

(A few seconds later his wife, “The Boss” walks up. She she’s her husband waiting by the counter)

The Boss: (gesturing in disbelief at my coworker and me) Is anybody helping you?!?!

Customer: No. I wanted....

The Boss: Hello!!!! Can we get some damn help here?!?!?!

Me: (running over) I’m sorry, ma’am. I asked your husband if he needed help.

Customer: He asked. I was waiting for you.

Me: What can I get you?

(The Boss then spends 40 seconds looking over the case and talking with her husband. I stand there; I don’t dare walk away)

The Boss: Do you have hamburger that’s leaner than this?

Me: I do in the counter out there. It’s already priced, you can grab whatever you want.

(She storms off with her husband trailing behind. )

Eenie Meenie Miney Mo

Customer: How many shrimp are in a pound?

Me: There's about 30-40 in a pound.

Customer: Okay. I'll take a pound please.

(I start getting the shrimp)

Customer: Wait! Wait! Wait! I haven't told you which shrimp I wanted.

Me: I'm sorry. I thought you were pointing to this shrimp here in the middle.

Customer: That's right. But I haven't told you which shrimp yet. There's one sitting here near the front that I want.

(I try to reach the shrimp she's pointing at. Keep in mind because of the glass, I can't really tell where she is pointing)

Customer: No. Not that one. To the left. No. My left. Yes, that one. Now near the back is another one I want. It's kinda pointed to the left.

(After she hand selects each shrimp, I put the bag on the scale.)

Me: It's a little over a pound.

Customer: Take five shrimp out.

(I reach into the bag.)

Customer: Wait! Wait! dump them out, so I can tell you which five I'd like to lose.

Chicken Season

Customer: I’d like a pound and a half of salmon.

Me: Sure thing! Would you like the farm raised or the wild caught?

Customer: Oh god, the wild salmon. Never farm raised. That’s disgusting and wrong.

Me: Anything else?

Customer: Yes. Two pounds of boneless chicken breast.

(I start to fill a tray with the chicken. She stops me.)

Customer: Wait, young man. This is fresh, yes?

Me: Yes, ma’am. It’s fresh, never frozen.

Customer: And its wild caught, hmmmm?

Me: Um...no, ma’am. Its farm raised. All chicken is farm raised.

Customer: That can’t be! Why the hell would that be true?!

Me: I mean, no one is going out and....um...hunting chickens.

Customer: Maybe not here!

(She walks away)

They’re Tragic and Delicious!

Customer : Oh, it is so horrible that we kill Mahi. They are such beautiful fish. Have you ever caught one?

Me: I don’t really do a lot of fishing.

Customer: They’re gorgeous! They turn all sorts of colors. Like a rainbow.

Me: Wow. I didn’t know that.

Customer: And then we kill them. It’s tragic. Disgusting.

Me: Yeah, that’s rough.

Customer: I’ll take two filets of the Mahi.

Me: Yes, sir.

A Crab By Any Other Name

Me: Anything else I can get you?

Customer: Do you have any crab cakes?

Me: I do! I have three varieties.  Which one did you want?

Customer: Do you have crab cakes?

Me: (pointing to the three types of crab cakes I have) Right here. Which kind did you want?

Customer: Crab cakes! (Acting like I’m just not getting it) Crab Cakes!

Me: These are all of the varieties I carry.

Customer: I want the kind in the crab shell.

Me: Oh, the deviled crabs. I don’t have any of them right now.

Customer: I call them crab cakes.

Me: Is there anything else I can get you?

Customer: I’ll take this front piece of tuna.

(I go to get the tuna in the front of the case.)

Customer: Front! Front!

(I move my hand around to all of the tuna steaks in the front of the case.)

Customer: Front! Front!!

(I move my hand to the back of the case)

Customer: Yes, that one. I call that the front.

Happy 4th of July

Customer: Is this company based overseas?

Me: Um....no. Our corporate offices are in North Carolina.

Customer: Man, this company must really hate America.

Me: I'm sorry?

Customer: If they loved America. They wouldn't make you work today.

Me: Well...they just want us to be here for any customers that need something.

Customer: If I owned a company, I wouldn't make my employees work.

Me: That's cool. I'm sure they would appreciate that.

Customer: Yeah......So can I get 3lbs of Chicken.

Me: Yes, Sir.

Give Or Take

Customer: How many of these shrimp come in a pound?

Me: There are about 13-15 shrimp in a pound.

Customer:  I only want a pound.  Don’t go over. I’ll take 15.

(I start to count out 15 shrimp, working to pick ones that will get him close to a pound)

Customer: I don’t want that smaller one! I want this big one!

Me: The bigger shrimp will put it closer to 13 rather than 15.

Customer: Oh I see! You’re trying to short me by giving me the smallest shrimp!

Me: Sir, they’re sold by the pound. A pound will always cost the same no matter how many shrimp. 

Customer: Keep them! I don’t want anything from someone trying to cheat me! You do you!

(He storms off)

Tenderness

Customer: Is this whole eye of round going to be real tender when I grill it?

Me: Well, eye rounds aren’t known to be tender. It’s better suited for roasting.

Customer: So it’s not tender?

Me: Not really. I....

Customer: Well, it’s tender enough for me!

(She turns and walks away)

(Two hours later, the customer service clerk comes back with something in a bag.)

Customer Service Clerk: A customer brought this back. They said it was tough.

(I look in the bag. It’s a grilled, partially eaten eye of round)

Marrow Removal Service

Customer: Why do you take the marrow out of your pork chops?! I can’t believe you do that!!

Me: Marrow? We don’t take the marrow out. That’s almost impossible to do.

Customer: Yes you do. When I get pork chops from Bi Lo they have the marrow in them. I buy them here, no marrow.

Me: I promise you, we don’t remove any marrow.

Customer: (pointing to the chop) Right here. No marrow!

Me: Um…we remove that, but that’s not bone marrow.

Customer: Then what is it?

Me: Um…the spinal cord.

Customer: (looking disgusted) Am I gonna get sick?

Irregular Customer

Customer: Do you do rotisserie chickens here?

Me: They do in the deli on the other side of the store.

Customer: We're not familiar with the store. Where is that?

Me: The deli is on the opposite side of the store.

Customer: We. Are. Not. Regular. Customers. Do you have a place with cooked foods like rotisserie chickens?!

Me: Yes, ma'am. The deli does. It is as far as you can walk that way, on the other side of the store from us.

Customer: You should have answered my question the first time.

Wonder What She’s Making

Customer: I was looking for peeled and deveined shrimp. I’m making shrimp creole.

Me: I’ve got some peeled and deveined shrimp right here.

Customer: I don’t want cooked. I want to make shrimp creole.

Me: They’re not cooked. They’re raw.

Customer: (sigh) I’m craving shrimp creole. I was gonna make some.

Me: Um....would you like some of these?

Customer: Show me what half a pound looks like. I want them for shrimp creole.

(I bag up half a pound)

Me: This is half a pound.

Customer: They’re so big. I want them for shrimp creole. How about these smaller ones. Give me half a pound.

(I bag up the smaller shrimp)

Me: Anything else?

Customer: (taking the shrimp) I’m making shrimp creole.