Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: Any bigger turkeys?
Me: No ma’am. That one turkey is the only turkey I have. Someone ordered it and then didn’t want it.
Customer: Nothing in the back?
Me: No.
Customer: could you check?
(I go back into the empty cooler. Wait. And come back out)
Me: That’s all I have.
Customer: (points at me) You’re shitty
Customer: Happy Thanksgiving.
Me: You too!
Customer: Thank you for working today.
Me: Oh, thanks. It’s not a bad shift to work.
Customer: I want to cook a pheasant for thanksgiving.
Me: I actually have some left. They’re frozen over here.
Customer: Oh, no sir. Frozen won’t work.
Me: I don’t carry them fresh. If you ran water on it, if could be thawed in a couple of hours.
Customer: No good! I’ve got people coming over now!
Me: Um....I do have a fresh duck, if you wanted something you could cook right now.
Customer: Young man, a duck is NOT a pheasant.
Customer: Do you have any bigger turkeys?
Me: No, sir. That’s all I have.
(A few minutes later)
Customer: I screwed that up. I’m supposed to pick up a turkey we ordered.
Me: Sure. What’s the name?
Customer: Johnson.
(I go look in the back. I don’t see a Turkey for Johnson. I look at the order book; still no order for Johnson.)
Me: (fully ready to get yelled at) Um....I don’t see your name in the orders. Do you know who you spoke to?
Customer: (creepy smile) I was hoping that was a common enough name that there would be one in the back.
Me: So you didn’t order a turkey?
Customer: (bigger smile) Happy Thanksgiving.
Customer: Yesterday, you had a ton of turkey legs over here. Where are they today.
Me: I’m all out, I’m afraid. Sorry.
Customer: You has so many yesterday!
Me: Yes, sir. But that was all I had. Once they sold, that was it.
Customer: I wish I had known that!!!! I didn’t buy them yesterday because I wanted my 5% senior citizen’s discount. That’s only on Thursday!!!!
Me: I’m really sorry.
Customer: (walking away) Fuuuuuuuuck.
Customer: Where’s your fresh tuna?
Me: I don’t have any tuna today. I’ve got some salmon and cod left, if you want it.
Customer: But it’s thanksgiving!
Me: I’m sorry. There’s some frozen tuna down here in my freezer.
Customer: Fuck that. Thanksgiving is ruined.....you ruined thanksgiving.
Customer: This is bullshit!
Me: I'm sorry?
Customer: They make you work on Thanksgiving! You got family in town.
Me: I do.
Customer: That's fucked up. You should be there! Corporations have too much power. They shouldn't get in between you and your family.
Me: Thanks. It's not that bad. I get off around 2. Then I get to go to my family's place.
Customer: Fucked up, man.
(We stand in silence for a few seconds)
Me: Um....anything else?
Customer: Yeah. Can I get half a pound of salmon?
Customer: Oysters?
Me: Hi! I’m unfortunately, out of oysters.
Customer: How is that possible.
Me: Well, we only get so many in.
Customer: You’re a goddamn grocery store.
Me: I’m really sorry, sir.
Customer: that’s false advertising!
Me: I’m very sorry.
Customer: Don’t be sorry. Fix it!
Me: There’s nothing I can do.
Customer: I can’t wait to call Live 5 and tell them about your bait and switch! You’re gonna be famous! FALSE ADVERTISING!!!!
Customer: Where are your turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry, sir. I’m all out.
Customer: Gotta have turkey st thanksgiving, son.
Me: I’m really very sorry.
Customer: I’ve got some Wild Turkey at home. Guess that will have to suffice. Happy Thanksgiving, son.
Customer: All of these oysters are half pint containers. Do you sell pints?
Me: I do, but I’m all out. All I have are those half pints.
Customers: Will you be getting anymore tomorrow?
Me: No, ma’am. I don’t get a delivery tomorrow.
Customers: Are you serious?!? It’s like you guys have never heard of Thanksgiving!
Customer: I can’t find the turkey drumsticks.
Me: I’m sorry. I ran out yesterday. I still have some wings, if that helps at all.
Customer: I didn’t say I wanted wings.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m out of turkey drumsticks.
Customer: How the hell are you out? Every turkey I’ve ever seen has legs. Where’d they go?!?
Me: I had a bunch. I just ran out of them with it being Thanksgiving.
Customer: That’s mighty shitty, son.
Customer: Hey, chief. Where are your fresh turkeys?
Me: I'm all out. I'm sorry, sir.
Customer: Did you idiots forget Thanksgiving is tomorrow?
Customer: Hey! I don't need anything, but can I ask you a question?
Me: of course! What can I help you with?
Customer : My wife is making something called a turduckin. How do they do that?
Me: you mean how do they make a turduckin?
Customer: yeah.
Me: They take the bones out of a chicken, duck, and turkey. Then they stuff the chicken in the duck and the duck in the turkey.
Customer: Well, now I feel like an idiot. I thought they had created a duck/turkey/chicken hybrid. I was wondering how they got those animals to breed.
Me: No, it's just a stuffed meal.
Customer : That would be some real Dr. Moreau type shit.
Customer: This turkey you sold me has no arms or legs.
Me: Ma'am, that's a turkey breast. Not a whole turkey.
Customer: Are you sure? I thought this was just a small turkey.
Me: I'm positive. That is a turkey breast.
Customer: Why are the holidays so hard?
Me: Happy Thanksgiving.
Customer: Do you have any more Bell & Evans turkeys?
Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. We only got a few of them in.
Customer: I saw them the other day, but I figured you would get more.
Me: I’m sorry. I do have plenty of butterball and our brand of turkeys left.
Customer: I’m having people over. I’d kill myself if I had to serve...Butterball.
(A customer slams a half wrapped turkey hanging out of a pan on the counter)
Customer: The turkey you sold me is to big to fit in my fucking pan!
Me: I'm sorry ma'am. What size did you ask for?
Customer: I don't know!
(I look it up in our order book)
Me: Ma'am, you ordered a 14lb turkey. This one is only 12 3/4. I'm really sorry.
Customer: Fuck your sorry. What are you going to do about it.
Me: I've only got one turkey left. It was from an order that someone didn't pick up. Problem is it's a 20lb turkey.
Customer: Well that's not going to fit in my pan.
Me: We do sell those foil disposable pans.
Customer: I don't do disposable pans. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving !
(She storms off)
Customer: Yo! Turkeys!
Me: Sorry. I'm all out.
Customer: Yo! For real?
Me: Yeah. Sorry.
Customer: (sadly almost to himself) Yo.
Customer: (On phone) I need to get a cooked turkey to take to a kid’s class.
Me: I don’t really have cooked turkey. Other than lunch meat.
Customer: I don’t want lunch meat! I need it for a children’s classroom.
Me: Everything I have is raw. The deli might....
Customer: I already spoke to the deli. They only have turkey breasts. I need a whole cooked turkey. For a class.
Me: I don’t really have anything like that. I’m sorry....
Customer: You just ruined a bunch of kids’ day! (She hangs up)
Me: Hi! How can I help you?
Customer: Is this shrimp raw?
Me: Yes, Ma'am. I have some cooked over here, if that was what you wanted.
(She looks at the cooked shrimp)
Customer: Welcome to Charleston!!!!!!
(She walks away)
Customer: Can I get this chicken cut up?
Me: Sure! How do you want it cut?
Customer: What’s my option other than with a knife?
Me: Uh..I meant, eight pieces or four pieces.
Customer: That makes way more sense. I’m kinda disappointed. I thought for a second you had some awesome chicken cutting machine.
Me: Now I’m disappointed. I want a chicken machine.
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: I want a large one.
(I look to see if she’s pointing to something in the case and I just can’t see it. She is not.)
Me: What kind of steak?
Customer: Like not a small one.
Me: I don’t know what kind of steak you want.
Customer: A large one.
Me: No. I mean do you want a strip steak, ribeye, sirloin fillet, or tenderloin.
Customer: Sirloin, obviously.
Me: Coming right up!