Fuckin Perch
Customer: Got any perch?
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t carry perch.
Customer: Well what the fuck do you carry?!?!
Me: Um...everything I have is represented here in this counter.
Customer: Well, fucking good for you.
Hold The Blood
Customer: Can you cut me a sirloin tip, and not dip it in blood?
Me: I’m sorry, what?
Customer: I want a sirloin tip, but with no blood. So please don’t dip it in the blood you normally use.
Me: We don’t dip anything in blood.
Customer: So why does it have blood in it?
Bloody Hell
Customer: Is there blood in pork?
Me: Oh, is that pack leaking? Let me fix that for you!
Customer: It’s not leaking. But is there blood inside it?
Me: Um...I mean, all meat has blood in it.
Customer: (throwing down pack.) Gross! I’m getting hamburger.
Keep Digging
Customer: (looking at empty case) Where the hell is everything? I want seafood.
Me: We’re not open yet, but I can get anything you need. I’m working to get the stuff out so we can open in two hours.
Customer: Salmon.
(I haven’t set up the fish yet, so I have to dig through several bins to find it.)
Customer: Wait. How much is that a pound?
(It’s a new sale, so I dig through the price tags to find the right one.)
Me: It’s....$8.99.
Customer: I’ll take it.
(I hand him his salmon.)
Customer: You know, it would be a lot easier if that stuff was in the case. Don’t want to tell you your job, but all that searching around wastes time.
Senior Discount
Me: Here’s your beef tenderloin.
Customer: On senior day I like to buy things young people like you couldn’t possibly afford.
Me: Um...okay. Sounds like a plan.
Customer: That’s the $9.99 /lb one not $10.99 /lb one right? And you’re sure that’s the smallest one you’ve got?
What’s taking so Long
Customer: I want you to pack up seven packs of lobster salad. I want each one to cost $6.50- $7.00
Me: Okay.
(I start doing it. He walks away to select a pack of bacon. He returns)
Customer: What the hell is taking so long?! Hurry up, I have a business to open!!
Come Back
Customer: Where’s the pimento cheese?
Me: They have it ov— (she jogs away before I can finish)
Chief
(The city has been shit down because of a snowstorm.)
Customer: Is that everything you got out there?
Me: Yes, sir. We…..
Customer: What the hell happened? I mean what’s the big deal?!
Me: Well, we haven’t gotten a truck in 3 days. I’ve got a truck coming in today, but I don’t know when to expect it. It could be any minute or it could be tonight.
Customer: That’s shit. The roads are fine, chief!
(He storms away before I can tell him our trucks come from NC)
Re-repack
(The department is closed. I’m leaving to go home)
Customer: What happened to the steaks?
Me: We closed an hour ago. I’ve got a bunch of steaks out here, we’ve just closed down the stuff under the glass.
Customer: These are all two packs. I only want one steak.
Me: I can break one open for you.
(I open the pack and wrap the steaks separately)
Customer: Wow. That’s a good sale. Only $5 a steak! You know what, I’ll take them both.
Me: Great.
Customer: Can you package them together?
So Confusing
Customer: Do you have local shrimp?
Me: Yes ma’am.
Customer: Which one is it? (Reading signs) The Argentina pink shrimp? Or the one with the local flag sticking out of it?
Give Me A Sign
Customer: Your selection sucks today! Where are all the steaks?
Me: We don’t open for another two hours. I can cut you whatever you need.
Customer: (looking at a half empty case with the lights out, below a sign that says “Hours: 9am- 10pm”) How the hell am I supposed to know you’re not open?!
Let Them Stew
Customer: I want to make beef stew. Is this what I need? The...(reading package label)... beef stew meat? Is that what you use to make beef stew?
To Bacon, or Not To Bacon
(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)
Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!
Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound.
(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.)
(5 mins later, he comes back)
Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.
Me: Okay.
(Ten minutes later, he comes back)
Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon?
Keep Your Cool
Customer: When did you put this salmon out?
Me: When we opened an hour ago.
Customer: Anything fresher?
Me: I’ve got more, but it’s from the same box.
Customer: But that salmon hasn’t been sitting out.
Me: Um...the case is refrigerated.
Customer: Oh! Okay. I’ll take a pound.
Dear God
Customer: (pointing to the swordfish that is labeled “swordfish.”) I’ll take the smallest piece of tuna.
Me: That’s swordfish. I’m out of tuna.
Customer: OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, I can’t cook that!! I ruin it every time!!
(He hurriedly walks away)
Cheaters Never Prosper
Customer: I don’t need anything. My husband has been stealing steaks from you guys for awhile. I just found out he’s cheating on me. Here’s his Facebook. This is what he looks like. I want you guys to arrest him next time he comes in.
Be Careful
(I am frantically cutting meat trying to fill a counter after 3 days of snow, no trucks, and tons of business. )
Me: Can I help you?
Customer: Yeah. You’re cutting what I need.
Me: Top sirloin?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was fillet mignon.
Me: It’ll take me 10 minutes, but I can cut you a few.
Customer: I’ll wait.
Me: Okay.
Customer: You know, I went to my office on Broad Street this morning. The sidewalks are so icy.
Me: Yeah. It’s pretty rough out there.
Customer: It’s really dangerous. There is no reason that anyone should be out on the roads.
Me: Yeah….um….here’s your steak. Be safe out there.
What ‘cha doing?
(I’m cutting on the saw. A customer comes up and rings the bell. I turn off the saw, wash my hands, and walk over)
Me: How can in help you?
Customer: What ya doing back there?Cutting meat?
Me: Um...yes sir. What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t need anything.
(He walks away)
And Another Thing
Customer: I want this chicken breast.
Me: Yes, sir!
(I bag it up.)
Customer: And this one. And this one. And this one.
(I undo the bag and grab the other chicken breasts)
Customer: That’s all.
(I print out the label.)
Customer: I want this one too.
(I throw away the label, undo the bag, and get the other breast.)
Me: Anything else?
Customer: No.
Me: Here you go!
Customer: Bag then 2 in one bag, 3 in another.
(I throw away the new label, undo the bag, and separate them)
Things’ll be great when you’re downtown
Customer: Do you have more fresh shrimp?
Me: No, sir. We just started getting the fresh shrimp back in. This was the only box since the storm. We’ll start getting them regularly in a day or so.
Customer: That’s terrible! You can’t treat me like this; I own a business downtown!!