Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I need a fresh Butterball Turkey.
My coworker: I’m sorry. All I have are a couple of our brand of turkeys.
(A couple of minutes later)
Customer: Hi! I’d like to buy a fresh Butterball Turkey.
Me: I’m out right now. I do have two fresh turkeys, but they’re not Butterball.
Customer: That’s not going to work.
(She walks over to a third coworker)
Customer: Do you have any fresh Butterball turkeys?
Customer: Is this “Argentina Pink Shrimp” cooked?
Me: No ma’am. It’s naturally that red color.
Customer: I’ll take a pound.
(I give it to her)
Customer: This is local?
Me: Um...no...it’s from Argentina.
Customer: I thought that was a brand name. Never mind, I don’t want it.
Customer: Do you have sushi grade pork?
Me: What....you can’t eat pork like...what are you trying to make?
Customer: (Eye roll) Sushi, like I said.
Customer: I want a piece of salmon.
Me: Sure! Which piece would you like?
Customer: The one in then back.
(I put that piece in a bag.)
Customer: Wait. Is the $12.99 on the tag the price?
Me: Yes, ma’am.
Customer: Never mind. Too expensive. I’ll take some shrimp.
Me: Okay.
Customer: Is the $9.99 on the tag the price?
Customer: I bought those shrimp two days ago and they tasted funny. Can I try one before I buy them again?
Me: I’m sorry. I can’t let you try them. They’re raw. I can’t sample uncooked product.
Customer: They’re not cooked?
Me: No, sir.
Customer:...well, that explains why they tasted funny.
Customer: Got any perch?
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t carry perch.
Customer: Well what the fuck do you carry?!?!
Me: Um...everything I have is represented here in this counter.
Customer: Well, fucking good for you.
Customer: Can you cut me a sirloin tip, and not dip it in blood?
Me: I’m sorry, what?
Customer: I want a sirloin tip, but with no blood. So please don’t dip it in the blood you normally use.
Me: We don’t dip anything in blood.
Customer: So why does it have blood in it?
Customer: Is there blood in pork?
Me: Oh, is that pack leaking? Let me fix that for you!
Customer: It’s not leaking. But is there blood inside it?
Me: Um...I mean, all meat has blood in it.
Customer: (throwing down pack.) Gross! I’m getting hamburger.
Customer: (looking at empty case) Where the hell is everything? I want seafood.
Me: We’re not open yet, but I can get anything you need. I’m working to get the stuff out so we can open in two hours.
Customer: Salmon.
(I haven’t set up the fish yet, so I have to dig through several bins to find it.)
Customer: Wait. How much is that a pound?
(It’s a new sale, so I dig through the price tags to find the right one.)
Me: It’s....$8.99.
Customer: I’ll take it.
(I hand him his salmon.)
Customer: You know, it would be a lot easier if that stuff was in the case. Don’t want to tell you your job, but all that searching around wastes time.
Me: Here’s your beef tenderloin.
Customer: On senior day I like to buy things young people like you couldn’t possibly afford.
Me: Um...okay. Sounds like a plan.
Customer: That’s the $9.99 /lb one not $10.99 /lb one right? And you’re sure that’s the smallest one you’ve got?
Customer: I want you to pack up seven packs of lobster salad. I want each one to cost $6.50- $7.00
Me: Okay.
(I start doing it. He walks away to select a pack of bacon. He returns)
Customer: What the hell is taking so long?! Hurry up, I have a business to open!!
Customer: Where’s the pimento cheese?
Me: They have it ov— (she jogs away before I can finish)
(The city has been shit down because of a snowstorm.)
Customer: Is that everything you got out there?
Me: Yes, sir. We…..
Customer: What the hell happened? I mean what’s the big deal?!
Me: Well, we haven’t gotten a truck in 3 days. I’ve got a truck coming in today, but I don’t know when to expect it. It could be any minute or it could be tonight.
Customer: That’s shit. The roads are fine, chief!
(He storms away before I can tell him our trucks come from NC)
(The department is closed. I’m leaving to go home)
Customer: What happened to the steaks?
Me: We closed an hour ago. I’ve got a bunch of steaks out here, we’ve just closed down the stuff under the glass.
Customer: These are all two packs. I only want one steak.
Me: I can break one open for you.
(I open the pack and wrap the steaks separately)
Customer: Wow. That’s a good sale. Only $5 a steak! You know what, I’ll take them both.
Me: Great.
Customer: Can you package them together?
Customer: Do you have local shrimp?
Me: Yes ma’am.
Customer: Which one is it? (Reading signs) The Argentina pink shrimp? Or the one with the local flag sticking out of it?
Customer: Your selection sucks today! Where are all the steaks?
Me: We don’t open for another two hours. I can cut you whatever you need.
Customer: (looking at a half empty case with the lights out, below a sign that says “Hours: 9am- 10pm”) How the hell am I supposed to know you’re not open?!
Customer: I want to make beef stew. Is this what I need? The...(reading package label)... beef stew meat? Is that what you use to make beef stew?
(The department has been closed for 30 minutes. I’m cleaning up before I leave)
Customer: Hey man. Where’s the good bacon?!
Me: It’s in the back, I pulled it after I closed. I have hickory smoked and maple chipotle. Which kind did you want?
Customer: Chipotle. Half a pound.
(I go into the back, unwrap the pan, get him half a pound, rewrap the pan.)
(5 mins later, he comes back)
Customer: (handing me the bacon) I don’t want the bacon.
Me: Okay.
(Ten minutes later, he comes back)
Customer: Can I get half a pound of the hickory bacon?
Customer: When did you put this salmon out?
Me: When we opened an hour ago.
Customer: Anything fresher?
Me: I’ve got more, but it’s from the same box.
Customer: But that salmon hasn’t been sitting out.
Me: Um...the case is refrigerated.
Customer: Oh! Okay. I’ll take a pound.
Customer: (pointing to the swordfish that is labeled “swordfish.”) I’ll take the smallest piece of tuna.
Me: That’s swordfish. I’m out of tuna.
Customer: OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, I can’t cook that!! I ruin it every time!!
(He hurriedly walks away)