Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: You closing for the storm?
Me: Eventually.
Customer: (Eye roll)
Me: It floods real badly here. Employees won’t want to battle that to get to work.
Customer: (Eye roll). Can you see if there’s more water in the back? I don’t want to come back out in the storm.
Customer: What type of meat should I use to make brisket?
Me: I sell briskets right here.
Customer: And that’s what you use to make brisket?
Me: Yes.
Customer: You’re sure?
Customer: I want four steaks. I want them wrapped individually.
Me: Okay. Here you go!
Customer: Wait. Why are there four packages? I wanted them two to a pack!
Me: I’m sorry, sir. I thought you said you wanted them individually.
Customer: I do. I just want two packages total.
Customer: Can I smell the salmon?
Me: Sure! We just got it in yesterday.
Customer: (smelling it) Nope. I don’t want it. I got fish from another store last week and I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Me: I’m sorry to hear that.
Customer: I bought shrimp off of a shrimp boat the other day. I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Me: I would think the shrimp off the boat would be fresh.
Customer: They has just caught it. I didn’t like the way it smelled.
Customer: I want a pound of shrimp, but I want you to get a new box of bags from the back to put them in.
Me: Um….okay.
(I go to the back and emerge with a new box.)
Customer: No! That box is already open. Go get another. I want to watch you open it.
(I get an unopened box, open it while she stares at me, get a bag and put her shrimp in it. )
Customer: Much better.
Customer: This chicken is priced wrong! The sign says $2.99.
Me: Sorry about that. I’ll reprice it for you!
Customer: You damn right you’ll reprice it, or you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of a libel lawsuit!
Me: Hi! How are you today?
(The Customer looks up at me, says nothing, then looks back down.)
Me: (10 seconds later) Can I get you anything today?
(Customer looks up at me then looks back down.)
Me: (10 seconds later) : Just let me know if you need anything.
(Looks up and down again)
(I walk away)
Customer: Come back! I need help.
Me: What can I get you?
(Customer looks up at me, says nothing, looks back down.)
(I stand there while she shops around. She leaves without saying anything.)
Customer: I bought some tilapia on July 10. Is it still good?
Customer: I want a bag of ice.
(I go in the back and come out with a bag of ice.)
Customer: No. I want a bigger bag.
(I turn to go get more ice.)
Customer: Wait. I eat this ice. I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.
Me: Okay, but I never touch the ice. I just pull the lever on the machine.
Customer: I want you to wash your hands and put on gloves.
Me: (Handing her the ice) Here you go. Can I get you anything out of the case?
Customer: Nope. Just the free ice! Next time use the bigger bag.
Customer: Can I get these hocks sliced.
Me: Um….we can’t really do that. They’re so small, there’s no leverage on the saw. They can flip. It’s not very safe.
Customer: (Eye roll) So you won’t cut them on your saw?
Me: (to coworker) You want to cut these hocks? I’m uncomfortable doing it.
Coworker: I’m not either. They’re too small. They’ll roll on the saw.
Customer: Just do it. Do I need to get a manager.
(We stand in silence for a little. It’s clear she’s not taking no for an answer. It’s uncomfortable. )
Me: Um….it’s gonna take a little time . Swing back by in five minutes.
(I cut them on the saw. They predictably roll and flip. I nick myself on the saw blade. -it’s not bad. I’ve had worse.)
Me: Here are your hocks.
Customer: And see you didn’t cut yourself. (Seeing the bandaid in my hand) Oh….you did cut yourself…..uh…..um….well, we’ll think of you when we eat these.
Me: Here’s your shrimp. Anything else I can get you?
Customer: That’s it.
Me: Have a nice da-
Customer: I want some steaks. Two ribeyes.
Me: Anything else?
Customer: No.
Me: Have a-
Customer: Three pork chops.
Me: Okay. Is that all?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Here you go-
Customer: One salmon fillet.
Me: Sure. Will that complete your order?
Customer: Yes.
Me: Have-
Customer: I want chicken breasts.
Customer: $16.99 a pound is too expensive for this shrimp.
Me: You’re not paying full price, it’s on sale for $11.99.
Customer: Why are they $16.99?
Me: It costs more when they are peeled and deveined. Also they’re on sale for $11.99.
Customer: I don’t want them. That’s not market price.
(A little old lady comes to the counter)
Me: Hi! How can I…
Customer: There are my goddamned steaks! Two of those babies!
Me: Have a great day!
Customer: It is now that I have my damned steaks!
(Customer looks to the left and right, and doesn’t see me standing behind him.)
(Customer lifts shirt, and drops a tenderloin steak into his pants. )
Me: Um…excuse me.
Customer: Aww man! You saw that?
Me: Yes. I did.
(He pulls the steak out of his pants and tries to hand it to me. )
Me: I don’t want to touch that!
Customer: It’s okay. It didn’t touch anything. I have a real small penis.
Customer: I want some haddock.
Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m all sold out of the haddock.
Customer: Can’t you go in the back and make me a haddock?
Me: Haddock is a fish.
Customer: Yeah. Can you make me one?
Customer: It’s downright un-American to make you work today.
Me: Well, as long as people are shopping, we need to be here.
Customer: I don’t believe in that. So I won’t be buying any meat today.
Me: Um…thanks.
Customer: What aisle are chips on? I’m supposed to pick some up.
Customer: Where’s the tuna?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m all out.
Customer: How the hell can you be out?! Your app says you have it. Right here; “While supplies last: Fresh tuna.”
Me: I’m really sorry, but I’ve sold out.
Customer: You shouldn’t guarantee you’ll have it then!
Me: Are you ready?
Customer: Yes!
Me: (walking over) What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t know yet.
Me: Oh....uh...that’s cool. Just let me know when you’re ready.
(I turn to walk away)
Customer: I’m ready.
Me: What can I get you?
Customer: I don’t know yet.
Customer: You got any mayo packets?
Me: No, Sir. They do in the deli on the other side of the store.
Customer: You should have them over here too!
Me: I don’t have ready to eat stuff over here.
Customer: Yeah…well…. I don’t want to walk around for stuff. You should have saved me a trip.
Customer: How can you be out of the fresh shrimp?!?! I just got some yesterday!
Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. The shrimp runs “while supply last.” I’m all out right now.
Customer: This is bullshit!!!! I wanted more!!! Even though I have a sore throat and it hurts to yell, I’m still yelling at you!!! That’s how angry I am!!!