Real Stories. Real Customers. Real Funny.
Customer: I want those front two porterhouse steaks. Can you slice them in half?
Me: They’re a little to small for me to put back on the saw. I’ve got some thinner ones here or I can cut-
Customer: Somebody doesn’t feel like working today.
Me: I was saying I can cut you some thinner ones off of the loin I’m cutting now.
Customer: Let’s do that.
(The phone rings)
Me: Meat department. How may I hel-
Customer: What’s the type of steak that’s not a fillet mignon?
Me: That can be a lot of things. Ribeyes, porterhouses, T-bone steaks, New York Strips.
Customer: New York strips! That’s it!
(He hangs up)
Customer: Do you have any salmon besides the Alaskan?
Me: I’ve got some farm raised from Chile.
Customer: CHILE IS ON THE PACIFIC COAST!! ITS THE SAME SALMON!!! BUY A MAP!!!
Me: Here's your shrimp.
Customer: Yeah. Thanks. You got any pork chops? All I see is fish.
Me: This is my seafood case. I’ve got a meat case right there.
Customer: Uh...you got steaks too?
Me: Um....yeah...same counter. We've got a full selection of meat. Beef, Pork, chicken, turkey....
Customer: You guys rock.
(A customer is looking intently at the steaks in the counter)
Me: Good morning! How are you doing today?
Customer: Don’t get me started!!!!!
(He walks away)
Customer (on phone): I bought a steak today. I took it home and washed it, but the blood won’t come out.
Me: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.
Customer: It’s still red. No matter what I do. I don’t want it.
Me: I’m sorry. When you come back in the store, we can give you your money back, or give you a new steak, whatever you want!
Customer: Whatever, Asshole!
(They slam the phone down)
Customer: How many shrimp come in a pound?
Me: I can’t see which ones you’re pointing at. Which ones did you mean?
Customer: (reading the sign) Its the 21/30 count Argentinian pink shrimp.
Me: There’s 21 to 30 in a pound.
Customer: Where are they from?
Me: ....Argentina
Customer: Do you have subs?
Me: They do on the other side of the store.
Customer: But....but...but that’s on the other side of the store!
(He rolls his eyes and stomps away)
Customer: How many shrimp come in a pound?
Me: There are roughly 20-30 shrimp in each pound.
Customer: I’ll take 3 pounds.
(I bag it up)
Customer: So how many shrimp are in there?
Me: About 60-90.
Customer: That’s way to many for two people! Take out a pound.
(I rebag them)
Customer: How many shrimp are in the bag?
Customer: I’d like a half a pound of shrimp. Pick me out some nice ones.
(I take a few seconds and grab what, to me, looks like the biggest shrimp)
Me: Here ya go!
Customer: I asked you to hand pick them and you didn’t.
Me: I grabbed the biggest...
(he throws the bag back. It lands on the floor beside me)
Customer: I don’t want them.
Customer: Can you weigh this front flounder?
Me: Sure thing!
(I start walking towards the counter)
Customer: Thank you. I appreciate that.
(He drives away in his motorized shopping cart)
Me: Sir?
(He doesn’t stop. He never comes back. )
Customer: Is this shrimp local?
Me: Are you pointing to the ones on your right? Because those are local.
Customer: I’m pointing at the ones with the little “local flags” on top of them.
Me: ....Yes. Those are local.
Customer: I want 7 containers of your smoked salmon and I want each one to be $6.50.
Me: Okay. It’s gonna take me like 5 or 6 minutes to weigh those out so I get the price right.
(He walks away and returns like 90 seconds later)
Customer: You’re still not done?!??
Me: I’m finishing up the last few right now.
Customer: I can’t believe you’ve been doing this the whole time. I’m the customer! You’re supposed to take care of me! Don’t get distracted by other things, I was here first!!
Customer: I want to return this frozen turkey. I was told it was ready to cook.
Me: You don’t have to do anything. It is ready to cook.
Customer: I took it out of the freezer and put it in the oven. It came out like this.
Me: Well, you have to thaw it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
(I look at the turkey. It’s covered in partially burned paper and melted netting. )
Me: Um....you have to take it out of the packaging before you cook it.
Customer: That’s not oven ready.
Customer: I want a pound of ground chuck! Wait, where is it?
Me: We don’t actually open for another two hours so it’s not in the case right now. I was actually getting ready to grind it. If you give me a minute, I can have it ready.
Customer: I don’t have time to wait.
Me: It won’t take long; I’m holding the grinder parts right now. Give me literally 60 seconds and I’ll have some done for you.
Customer: I don’t have time! What does that even mean “you don’t open for another two hours?!” What makes it take so long?!
Me: It takes time to cut and grind everything fresh every morning. I can get it for you right now
Customer: I’m busy!
(She storms off)
Customer: (dropping a bag of half eaten steaks inside a plastic bag on the counter) These were the toughest fillet mignons I’ve ever eaten. You must have cut them wrong.
Me: (Looking at them) They’re not fillets. These are eye of round steaks.
Customer: I don’t know the difference. You idiots should have labeled them better.
Me: (Looking at the label that clearly says “eye of round steaks.”) Yes sir. Sorry about that.
(I’m filling up the counter in my department)
Customer: (One aisle over, screaming at the top of her lungs.) HELP!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!! OH GOD, I NEED HELP!!!!
(I run over to the aisle, because it sounds like someone is being attacked or that they fell and seriously hurt themselves.)
Customer: HELP ME PLEASE.....(seeing me) Oh, good. I can’t reach this can of tomatoes. Can you reach it for me?
Customer: I need a fork.
Me: I’m sorry. I don’t have any here. They have some forks on the other side of the store in the deli.
Customer: I only need one.
Me: The deli has individual forks. They’re free.
Customer: Well, why don’t you have any?
Me: Nothing I have here is ready to eat.
Customer: That’s insane.
(The Phone rings)
Me: Meat department. How may I help you?
Customer: I was in the store yesterday with my nephew. Last week I got some of those snow crab legs. They were so good. I ate them when my sister was over. She was so mad that I wouldn’t give her any, but they were mine! So I was in there yesterday with my nephew. I thought I’d sure like some more of those snow crab. So I had the guy behind the counter bag me up three pounds. Then I thought I should get some more. So I had him throw a few more in. I went home and cooked them. I had some rice with them. It was some of that wild rice. I thought it would match up with the snow crab. Sometimes I do potatoes with crab, but I really wanted rice. The crab turned out so dry.
Me: I’m sorry—
Customer: Now I know how to cook crab. I’ve been cooking crab since I was a kid. My mother taught me how, I used to help her when I was younger. She’d bring home crab and say, “It’s time to cook up some crab!”, and I’d help her. This crab was so dry. I have never had crab that was this dry.
Me: I’m sorry that—
Customer: It was so dry. I want you to know that I cooked it just like I alway do. I didn’t change anything, except for the rice, like I told you. I used some old bay and some lemon like I always do. They were dry. I like crab, but this was dry. The rice was good, but the crab was dry.
Me: (waiting a second to see if she was done) I’m sorry that happened.
Customer : What can you do to take care of me?
Me: I can’t do anything over the phone, but if you want to come in, we can give you a refund or some more crab for free.
Customer: Normally, I’d take the crab, but it was so dry. I think I’ll wait a little bit before I get anymore. A refund would work. I could buy something else. I was thinking of getting a roast. I could use that money for that. I like a good roast and the weather is perfect for it.
Me: Great. Well, come on in; we’ll take good care of you.
Customer: This is the store in Summerville?
Me: No, ma’am. This is the store downtown.
Customer: Whoops! Never mind!
Customer: How many shrimp come in a pound?
Me: Roughly, 20 to 30.
Customer: I need 150 shrimp.
Me: That’s about 6 or 7lbs.
Customer: I don’t want “about” 150 shrimp. I don’t want “roughly” anything. I’m sure you can count to 150. Just do that.